


miracles are closer than they appear

by Pastelpop



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, But also it's not actually that angsty because I'm a wimp, Cliche, Fluff, Hyunjin is an actor, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Light Angst, Mentioned Seo Changbin, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, One of them is a bakery lol, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Seungmin has a lot of jobs, Seungmin is just trying to survive lmao, Slow Build, Strangers to Lovers, a small but bad attempt at momentary humour oh god what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 58,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25781677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastelpop/pseuds/Pastelpop
Summary: It was strange to him.He was an actor after all. Whether he memorized lines or played it up on the spot, there was always something for him to say as long as there was a pretty lady beside him or a camera in his face.Because the story they played was meant to go one way and one way only: He was the love interest. The one with the hair that looked good no matter the way it was styled. The CEO. The one in the soft trench coat that looked as if it was made for cuddling.And yet here he was, the pining idiot and completely head over heels. He doesn't know how to respond to whatever is being asked of him and yet he's completely content with listening to the boy sitting beside him rattle on and on with a voice that was raw from the cold yet so beautiful to hear. He's dressed in a sweater that he had worn the day before, and he was beautiful.It was strange to him.But it was exhilarating at the same time.(Alternatively: Hyunjin, while searching for a miracle in his acting career, runs into a brown haired boy that makes him think of shooting stars)
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 41
Kudos: 166





	1. Storyboarding

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> I never really understood how people do these intro's, so let's just cut to the fun stuff. Here's a fic! And I hope you like it :)

_____

It’s currently twelve in the morning. Hyunjin has barely been out for an hour or two, and he’s already starting to black out from the sheer concentration of alcohol that’s swimming in his veins.

So yeah, _maybe_ this was not the greatest decision to choose once operation “sneak out of the apartment while stupidly making as much noise as humanly possible” was successful. Historically speaking though, Hyunjin isn’t exactly the most judicious person (his career choices for one, attest to this).

But he doesn’t really HAVE a choice, does he? Life is shit right now. He just lost a role that could’ve been his big break as an actor, and it’s highly unlikely that another opportunity like that one will come waltzing into his lap. 

So sometimes bad decisions are the most satisfying remedies to bad situations in life. They aren’t the most sustainable in the long term and are likely to be incredibly shitty for both his physical and mental fortitude, but _god_ are they effective.

Like right now: He’s out by himself at some sketchy bar that he frequents. It’s risky business; he’s not wearing a mask and anyone with a flashlight from their phone could probably decipher the lines on his face or maybe take a picture of him, but he trusts the night and the dim lights of the place. In the dark, he’s just like the other drunken and maybe lost souls in this spinning room. No one can recognize him because they literally can’t see him, so he’s free to do whatever the hell he pleases to his heart’s content with (hopefully) little to no repercussions. 

And so if he wants to drink until the room starts to spin, well then he’s gonna do it. If he wants to complain to the bartender over the noise of the other lifeless bodies that are also droning on and on about their own life problems, well then… he’s gonna do it.

To be fair, the morning afterwards is predictably hellish, and pretending like you aren’t hungover so your manager doesn’t lock you inside of your apartment is one of the least entertaining forms of the olympics. No regrets though, Hyunjin tells himself. It lets him enjoy these friday nights (technically saturday mornings now) with an easier soul, lets him pretend like maybe for once in his life he isn’t making the worst choice.

That being said, in the moment? He’s more than happy to drop kick himself in the stomach. Except he wouldn’t, because he’d probably vomit. He’s had a little TOO much this one time (which is saying a lot because while Hyunjin is not exactly a master of the kidneys, he wouldn’t say he’s a lightweight either), and he’s leaving the club way earlier than he had anticipated. 

At least, he THINKS he’s gone earlier. He can’t really see his phone. Or his watch. Or... even the few steps in front of him, honestly. The entire world feels like a pair of dirty glasses, oily and blurry as he staggers out into the empty streets, illuminated by lonely street lights.

It’s actually kind of nice though, Hyunjin tries to think, before grumbling after failing to convince himself. He tries to say that there’s something enjoyable about this delirium, about this quiet form of chaos, when really it feels like a gremlin is clawing out his insides (which is, you know, not enjoyable). 

But it’s different, at the very least, from the monochromatic and repetitive day to day schedule he follows normally. It’s a breath of fresh air that reeks of booze, and even though it’s pungent, at the very least the scent is new.

He finds a new bus stop when everything around him feels like he’s never seen it before. He completely misses the seat, and Hyunjin finds himself sitting lazily on the cold concrete below him with his head resting mindlessly on the bench behind him. His stomach is doing weird things in his gut, and not the fun fluttering kind that happens when you see someone pretty.

It’s not even a minute later when he feels the bile begin to rise dangerously close to the top of his throat, and he doubles over and crawls to the edge of the sidewalk, not far away from the bus stop. He’s emptying out the entirety of his digestive tract now, and it’s both satisfying yet excruciatingly painful at the same time.

Sitting back on the bench with vomit drenching the front of his shirt, he stares dazedly at the roof of the bus stop on top of him. The grey and scratched plastic tiling is enough to cover his vision. It’s almost enough to trick him into thinking the sky is just cloudy instead of dark, and Hyunjin finds himself wondering what his life has come to; the not-quite-starving but also not-quite-fulfilled actor that is on the cusp of starting a drinking problem and hoping for a miracle to drop out of the sky.

“Holy shit, you look like shit.”

The voice is there with impeccable comedic timing, and Hyunjin looks up expecting to see some deity or maybe an angel falling from the clouds, ready to solve all of his life issues.

Except it isn’t any of those things. It’s a boy instead, with fluffy light brown hair that has a tinge of silver to it instead of white feathery wings. 

And instead of solving his problems, this boy is judging them. 

Asshole.

The repetition, in his horrendous state, sounds funny for some reason, like yes, he IS the shit that this guy is talking about, except he realizes the boy means it in the not-really-a-compliment way. He thinks that now is a good time to get angry, but he’s pretty sure the emotional range he has available right now doesn’t encompass that particular feeling.

“Fuck off, you pieze of shet.” Hyunjin slurs, because obviously his voice is coherent enough for the other to understand him and threatening enough in his ridiculous state to make the boy leave him alone (Hyunjin will realize embarrassingly later that he’s actually quite pathetic when he’s drunk, but in the moment he makes sure to tell himself that yes, he IS terrifying, and that yes, his presence is menacing enough to make any mortal do as he pleases).

And yet even with his attempt at being threatening, the boy stays instead of gladly taking the offer and walking away from the mess that is Hwang Hyunjin. There’s an odd pause in time where they stare at each other, and it’s like this boy is debriefing with himself on how he should react in this situation. It’s exceedingly chilly, not just because the air around them is cold, but also because he really can’t tell what the fluffy haired boy is thinking either. It’s kind of unnerving, yet also oddly refreshing. Hyunjin is used to people being over expressive or playing up fake feelings rather than hiding their true ones.

There’s an arm laced gingerly around his a few seconds later, and the boy is keeping his face as politely inexpressive as possible as he helps Hyunjin sit down on the bus stop bench with himself sat an arm’s length away, his shorter stature wobbling back and forth as he tries to maintain their balance. His vision is still blurry, but he feels someone nudge something like a soft handkerchief into his barely responsive hands. There's something mildly scratchy yet warm press gently against his chest. He looks down, and the boy is hurriedly mopping up some of the fluid on his shirt with paper towels, keeping his eyes focused on his two hands. Even in his intoxicated state, Hyunjin registers their teddy bear brown color, how he squints as he’s concentrating. It’s somewhat akin to a dog burying a toy, he thinks comically to himself, with the way he’s pushing against Hyunjin’s ribcage.

“Oh my god, you smell like shit too.” The boy gags slightly and ducks away, and Hyunjin has half the mind to be offended. He doesn’t have it in himself though; the boy said it with little conviction, his tone flat and purely observatory despite the bite behind his words. 

“Please do the global community a favour and take a shower once you have the chance, I bet people overseas can smell you.”

Actually, scratch that, Hyunjin IS offended.

Except again, when he’s looking up at the boy, he catches his eyes again, and they’re curving ever so slightly around the edges into an eye smile, as if happiness reaches his gaze before his mouth. It’s contagious in a way, gentle and slightly teasing. Hyunjin feels himself soften.

“Hey, rezpec’ yur elders…” He drawls, pointing a finger at the boy and wagging it more violently than he intends. The boy doesn’t flinch, tilting his head again. The puppy imagery is becoming more and more vivid.

“You barely look older than me.” The boy deadpans, staring quizzically at the other’s face. “What year are you?”

“Pisces~” Hyunjin replies, giggling delusionally. The other rolls his eyes, pulling out what looks like a student ID while pointing at a number somewhere near the middle. They look familiar, so he makes as coherent of a noise of recognition as he can and flashes a thumbs up. The boy looks satisfied with his answer, and nods.

“I think that means we’re the same age.” The boy muses before his mouth presses together into a thin line curiously. “Ah, but you’re a pisces. I guess that makes you older than me. I’m a virgo myself, see.” 

Hyunjin looks up at him, his eyes squinted.

“A virgin?”

“Well no, but technically that’s correct too.”

And if he was thinking straight, Hyunjin would probably notice that what he just said was offensive, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyways because the only response that comes from the boy is his eyebrows raising slightly, and it’s almost as if a ghost of a smile is about to come onto his face. It’s not there, but it’s coming.

The younger boy (if this guy is telling the truth) shuffles slightly closer on the bench despite his previous claims about the stench, looking up at the dark sky. He leans over until he almost fallls from the seat, peeking out from the roof of the bus stop. For some reason, Hyunjin finds himself following the motion naturally.

“A virgo. That constellation. You know, like the stars?” The boy questions, looking at Hyunjin meaningfully. He keeps his gaze following the direction of the other’s finger, which is pointing at…

“Are you drunk? there’s nothin’ there.” Hyunjin replies, as if it’s the other boy who needs to sober up. The boy nods, his brows furrowing, and he starts biting the inner part of his cheek thoughtfully.

“Hm, you’re right. I don’t know what the hell I’m looking at. It’s the gesture that counts, I guess.” He says ruefully, his eyes narrowed at the stars that they can’t see. The streetlights are too bright. He’s got his eyes on Hyunjin the next second, and there’s this deepness and stillness in his gaze that makes Hyunjin feel more conscious than he did a minute ago. It’s like the boy’s eyes are keeping him grounded to reality in this weird divide in time where the world stops spinning around the sun because it’s had too much to drink tonight.

“Why are you out here? And why are you, you know, so blackout drunk? Are you...okay?” The boy asks. 

Hyunjin is looking elsewhere now, but he can still feel the boy’s pair of eyes on him. He isn’t sure if it’s the alcohol or if it’s the pure tranquility and almost whimsy-like aura that the boy exudes, but for some reason Hyunjin finds himself spilling everything like a filled-to the-brim bucket.

“I lost a biggh fucken deal. I was gunna be rich, was gunna succeed. But everything fucken got swept unthder the rug by some fuckin pretty boy with more to his name, and m’ back to square one.” Hyunjin mumbles, and immediately the boy beside him wilts slightly.

“Oh… I’m… sorry to hear that. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.” Hesitantly, the other boy places a hand gingerly on his shoulder, but still gently, like he’s trying to avoid getting the reeking stench of barf on himself but still genuinely hoping that putting his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder will somehow soothe his worries. It probably works, because Hyunjin keeps going.

“Yeah, and it’s gunna take a miracle for that to happen again. And knowin’ my luck, I’m gunna get brainfucked by lightning before another one of those miracle’s happen again. I’m the whole fucken taboo on my own.” Hyunjin chuckles drunkenly, his laugh sounding like helium.

“I mean, I’m sure you’re pretty appealing when you aren’t… covered in vomit. Also, just so you know, if it makes you feel any better, it’s statistically not that unlikely to get struck by lightning. Or at least, not as unlikely as you might think.” The boy muses.

“Shut it, smartass.”

“Hey, thanks for the compliment.” 

“Whatheva” Hyunjin grumbles, crossing his arms and pouting like a petulant toddler. The boy is giggling now, and he gently takes the handkerchief out of the older’s hands and wipes at a drop of a strange vomit/spit hybrid that’s begun to fall off the side of Hyunjin’s lips. It should be embarrassing, but he can’t think straight enough to care, and the boy’s presence is mellow and tame enough for Hyunjin to pretend like he isn’t there.

Except he is there. He’s raw and real and _weirdly overwhelming_. The majority of his brain isn’t really working right now, but the parts that are still alive and functioning despite the alcohol poisoning are hyperfocusing on the way the boy is so close to his face, his features serene and detached. He’s studying how there’s so little purpose behind the way he’s dabbing the cloth against his face, and yet everything feels so precise and calculated. He feels too perceptive in the moment, and he’s finding himself only analyzing the aspects of this random boy on this random night by some random bus stop. There’s a streetlight above them, and for a few seconds Hyunjin tricks himself into thinking that there are only two people alive on earth.

It’s weird, and yet the entire experience is calming, like a good bowl of hangover soup.

“I mean, don’t get too discouraged, I guess? Epiphanies and surprises don’t just have to happen by chance.” The boy says. 

He’s pointing excitedly outside at the empty sky again, his face lighting up. It’s addicting. Hyunjin’s lips turn upwards as well, and he leans over in the seat to look up. It's as if the boy's eagerness is contagious. “Look! There’s a shooting star.” Hyunjin laughs.

“There’s nothing there.” He replies. The boy shrugs.

“You don’t know that. Sure, it looks like there’s nothing there, but that’s just because we’re choked up with smoke and fog. You can’t tell me for sure that Virgo isn’t actually there, or that a shooting star didn’t just pass by. Maybe you can’t see a miracle because you’re too blinded by your own judgement. Maybe you ran by a few because you weren’t looking close enough. Maybe there’s a miracle waiting just around the corner, waiting for you and you only.” He murmurs, his eyes still curved mischievously upwards as he grins up at the night sky.

There’s a comfortable silence that follows his words, but before Hyunjin can open his mouth to respond, a bus is pulling around the corner. 

This must have been the miracle the boy was talking about, because he’s standing up slowly as he heaves a sigh of relief, like he’s glad to finally get away from the mess of a human that Hyunjin has become. 

The boy is nudging the handkerchief back into Hyunjin’s hands, fumbling with his wallet to get his pass out once the bus stops in front of them. Hyunjin can only stare in wonder at this person who had left as quickly as he had come as he steps onto the vehicle.

And Hyunjin wonders if an angel DID actually fall down to earth this evening as he watches the boy look back at him, a softly mild yet genuine smile falling onto his face and reaching his eyes, like it did before. There’s a dull greenish light from the bus that is glowing dimly behind him, and Hyunjin thinks amusedly to himself that the boy is only missing the wings.

“Miracles are closer than you might think, mister. Maybe you’ll finally see one for once.”

Hyunjin’s gaze follows the light as it turns the corner, and for the first time this evening he feels truly sober.

_______

It’s eight in the morning, far earlier than Hyunjin would like, and he’s trying desperately to not vomit at the thought of the alcohol that’s swimming around annoyingly in his head.

His mind also keeps flashing blankly back to the boy from yesterday. And it’s weird, because _logically_ (as an actor, Hyunjin is CLEARLY a VERY logical person), most people don’t think much about someone you don’t even know the name of, yet here he is.

Strange.

But it turns out that it might actually make sense for Hyunjin to reminisce about the previous night because,

“Good news, Hyunjin: the previous actor dropped out. The role is back in our hands.”

Turns out miracles are closer than they appear, like in a car’s rear view mirror.

Like that boy had said.

He’s been able to stay afloat in this industry, thankfully. He’s gotten a few small roles in some well performing films and series here and there, and he even got to play one of the more significant characters in a small web series that aired a few months back. The reception was overwhelmingly positive, and it gave him the attention that he needed to reel in the biggest catch.

That being said, THIS opportunity was one that he and his company just couldn’t pass up on. To not only act in a drama written by a relatively well known writer and star alongside some shining names in the spotlight right now, but to even land the lead male role? Just saying that this drama would his big break would be a criminal understatement. 

If he’s being honest, he’s still got a long way to go as an actor. He’s not quite as emotive and expressive as some of his peers, but at the end of the day that’s not something that’s terribly uncommon in the industry (he means that in both the most polite yet petty way possible). 

But he’s improving rapidly, and hey, Hyunjin’s got a pretty face with a tall and lean stature. While he definitely isn’t going to egg himself on, from what everyone he meets keeps telling him, he’s pretty ideal. He takes his friends comments of “the most cliche kdrama boyfriend” as complimentary objective observations, and while his acting isn’t the strongest, he knows how to act sincere; how to curve his eyes and his mouth at the perfect angle to make it seem like the only two people in the world are him and the person he’s gazing at with stars in his eyes. 

It’s not even that he’s good at faking it, he’s just an embarrassingly genuine person. He’s the visionary type, the whimsy eyed idiot that likes to get caught up in fantasies and songs and video games and movies and _anything_ that lets him escape the unsatisfactory parts of reality. 

Sometimes when he’s on set, he lets himself believe for a few seconds that he really is some badly written, dirt rich Uni kid that somehow has his life together despite juggling a job, an academic career, and a relationship that was thrown halfway into the fifth episode for no apparent reason, all of which is happening while he's sitting in an expensive coffee shop as he pretends to listen to the lead actor talk about his problems. He thinks that he likes the ease, the simplicity that comes with not having to explain where his income comes from; how he doesn’t need to worry about being able to afford the clothes from the stylist that he’s wearing on camera.

Things might change fast though, and who knows, maybe this dreamlike role that he plays on camera will become reality in short time. Maybe this miracle that he’s been picturing is actually going to happen, and very very soon.

(Hyunjin doesn’t know it, but he doesn’t have to be excited because his miracle has already happened).

_______

He spots the strange boy again after his first day of attending some meeting for the board of directors. There’s a bunch of complicated production jargon that gets thrown around, and in all honesty, while Hyunjin tries to convince himself that the stuff that’s happening in front of him is interesting because _has he mentioned that this is his big break as an actor,_

It’s pretty boring. 

The people around him are boring as well, nowhere near as interesting as the boy with the deep brown eyes and the poofy brown hair that had helped him clean up his mess a few days ago, which might he had he knew no better. 

In hindsight, Hyunjin is probably selling himself just as bland and polite as always, so maybe he’s not too different from the rest of these stone faced assholes who think that having a recognizable face is a personality trait.

But it’s weird because immediately when he meets these people, he starts to compare them to the boy he had met barely a week or so ago. It’s like he wants to gravitate naturally to him, because something about that boy is so intriguing and surreal and he’s not really sure if the boy exists at all. He might’ve been a hallucination, a projection of the devil, a ghost of some kid that had died in that alleyway, or any other theory that Hyunjin could’ve used to distract himself from this god awful meeting.

Or maybe he's just really, really lonely. 

And yet his face is oddly clear in his memory, his voice is still breathing softly against his ear, and he can’t forget the feeling of soft fabric rubbing against his cheek. 

He has to shake his head; question why he’s thinking so vividly of a night he can barely remember.

He lets out a sigh of relief when the meeting is finally over, practically sprinting towards the car the moment he leaves the suffocating silence of the production room. The driving sounds are therapeutic to him, calming and desolate in comparison to the constant buzz and droning that he had to listen to for the past few hours.

A few minutes away from home, Hyunjin’s manager is rounding a corner into a familiar alleyway, and for the smallest increment of a second, he gets deja vu.

There’s a familiar looking boy sitting at the same bus stop, his eyes half lidded like he’s about to fall asleep. Except he won’t, because his posture is inhumanely put together, the sleeves of the hoodie that's probably a bit too big for him clutched tightly by peeking fingers on top of his thighs. His head is just high enough for his hair to catch the wind blowing through the streets at just the right angle, his fluffy brown bangs swaying gently in the breeze. He has a pair of cheap earbuds in, and he’s staring at the stars in the sky that are just beginning to appear against the violeting sky. 

And it’s almost like Hyunjin is staring at his own version of a star on earth because he finds himself following the boy as his manager drives by too quickly, his face pressed unnecessarily close to the window. He doesn’t move even as they round a corner onto their apartment’s street, as if there’s still some enamouring mirage of this boy dancing in the rear view mirror of their car. 

It’s why he finds himself standing in front of his washing machine at some ungodly hour in the morning staring at the handkerchief the boy had given him that day, as if this little piece of cloth has the answers to a question that Hyunjin doesn’t know he’s asking. A bit of residual vomit is still near the center of it (Hyunjin resists the urge to gag), but he can still make out the designs of the soft square of fabric. There’s a small pattern of daisies laced around the edges of the handkerchief, and the face of what looks like a small dog is stitched to one of the corners. He can’t help but think back to the boy, and how similar he had looked when his eyes twisted upwards when he smiled.

He shakes his head and frowns to himself, wondering why he’s thinking the way he is. There’s a plan formulating unconsciously in the back of his head. 

There’s no clothes that he needs to wash, but he throws the handkerchief into the machine alone anyways. 

_________

It’s friday again, except this time he’s not so drunk.

He’d like to think that he doesn’t look as much of a mess as he normally does as well. He’s donning a plain white button up coupled with a puffy black jacket, tucked neatly into a pair of jeans and a classy but not douchebag-like belt. 

It's a pretty simple outfit, and yet it’s a bit ridiculous to think about how much thought he put into what he was going to wear this particular evening. It’s an uneventful night with an uneventful atmosphere, but even then he found himself worrying in front of a mirror for a solid hour or so, wondering if the jeans with or without the belt made him look like less of an entitled asshole. He obviously needed the element of haughty assholery to not seem like a piece of trash with a lack of care for personal hygiene in comparison to THAT night, but he worried that if he took it too far he’d scare the poor kid off. 

It’s all leading to where he finds himself now, at the same bus stop as last week, except hopefully this time he doesn’t vomit all over the place (he’s feeling slightly nervous for the same reason). The clock has reset, hitting the first hour of the next day, and he’s waiting for another miracle to walk into this street again.

“Oh!”

A small gasp comes from behind him, and Hyunjin has to stifle a laugh because lady luck really has been spoiling him these past few days.

There’s a familiar brown haired boy standing a few arms lengths away from him. A bit more darkness has begun to pool underneath his eyes, but his face is mildly surprised nonetheless. He rubs his cheeks with the sleeves of the large vest he’s wearing, as if he’s trying to wipe the fatigue from his expression.

“Ah yes, barf boy , the most threatening of all the superheroes. I take it you aren’t blackout drunk this time? I appreciate the thought and concern, maybe I won’t have to sacrifice more of my personal belongings this time.” The boy smiles lightheartedly, shuffling closer to Hyunjin underneath the roof of the bus stop. Hyunjin rolls his eyes, but he can’t stop himself from returning the grin.

“That nickname is not charming, unoriginal, and overall lacks flair. Please never become a poet.”

“I mean, barf boy is purely objective. Do you WANT an affectionate nickname? It’d be pretty difficult, since my first impression of you was similar to that of a homeless man.” He teases. Hyunjin cringes internally, looking down at the ground as he scratches the back of his head sheepishly.

“That… that probably wasn’t the best way to introduce myself? I’m actually really sorry for my behaviour, I really appreciated your help that night, or I guess morning? And I feel really bad for putting all of that responsibility on you, that was overall just a dick move, and I don’t know how I’d make it up to you-” Hyunjin rambles nervously. The boy’s eyes widen ever so slightly in surprise, and he raises his hands in panic.

“Woah, woah, hey it’s okay, it’s okay. It wasn’t really your fault, it was probably just the whole wrong-place-wrong-time kind of situation. Yeah, it was kind of weird on my part, but I really didn’t mind. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were a burden.” The boy says gently. He stays a few steps away from Hyunjin, but his arm raises briefly as if he wants to put it on the other’s shoulder to calm him down. Hyunjin breathes a sigh of relief.

“Yeah… um, let’s start fresh? You’ve never met me before, and I look nothing like some homeless man that you saw a week ago. I’m Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin. Nice to meet you because this is the FIRST time that we’re seeing each other.” He edges, offering a tentative smile and a palm that he really hopes isn’t sweaty because he forgot to wipe it on the sides of his jeans like he normally does.

“Kim Seungmin, and it’s nice to meet you too. And yes, you don’t look homeless. Actually, who wears a dress shirt on a Friday if it isn’t for a date?” Seungmin asks. His voice is purely curious despite the accusatory choice of words. 

“You’re one to talk, it's not like you're any different.” Hyunjin frowns, staring pointedly at the dress shirt underneath the other’s vest. He looks down at himself and grins, shaking his head.

“Touché.” 

“Is this our first date then?” Hyunjin quips, leaning in teasingly. Seungmin giggles, catching Hyunjin off guard. He crosses his arms in front of him and leans forward as well.

“You say that like it’s a joke, but I think you’re blushing.”

Shit, he is.

Hyunjin steps back immediately, flustered at the shorter boy’s nonchalant observation. He slaps a cold and clammy hand over his cheek, feeling the heat rush to his face.

“That was an exaggeration.” Hyunjin coughs awkwardly. Seungmin rolls his eyes, still smiling.

“What are you doing here anyways? This is a pretty niche time to be coincidentally standing at the same bus stop you blacked out at last week, also at the same time might I add.” He asks. He’s tilting his head again, and Hyunjin thinks of the puppy embroidered onto the handkerchief the boy had given to him before. The color pooling in Hyunjin’s cheeks doesn’t stop, so he tries focusing on his original task to hopefully change that.

“You wouldn’t….are you…?” Seungmin is frowning ever so slightly now, taking a large step backwards. Confusion spills over Hyunjin’s face before he begins panicking.

“I’m NOT stalking you.” He blurts hurriedly, raising his arms harmlessly and moving backwards as well. “I don’t even know where you live- WHICH I SWEAR I’M NOT PLANNING ON CHANGING, I promise. I uh, I don’t care about your STUPIDLY boring chosen place of residence.”

“Convincing.” 

“Stop, you’re making me feel like a creepy old person.”

“I mean I’m just saying, there’s a lot of coincidences happening right now, so if you were stalking me, I wouldn’t be surpri-”

“Seungmin, I’m BEGGING you.” Hyunjin whines, and the other boy starts laughing freely, settling his nerves. He stares at the younger awkwardly before remembering what he came here for. 

“Oh, right. This is, um, this is what I actually needed to do.” He exclaimed, reaching into his back pocket.

“If you pull out a gun-”

“SEUNGMIN-”

“I’M SORRY, I’ll shut up now.” He giggles, stepping back underneath the same roof as the other. Hyunjin pulls the handkerchief out and offers it to the younger with both hands, and for some reason his eyes begin darting around nervously to anywhere that isn’t Seungmin, as if he’s embarrassed to look the other in the eye. He tells himself that it’s just because he’s meeting someone new.

(He won’t admit it to himself just yet, but there’s more to it than just that.)

Seungmin’s tilting his head curiously again, and his body is completely still as he just… looks at the square of cloth. If Hyunjin were looking up, he’d wager that Seungmin was looking at him too, but he can’t get himself to meet the younger’s gaze.

“You… you came back here to give this back to me?” He asks, his voice unreadable. 

“...Yes?” Hyunjin replies, almost questioningly, as if he isn’t quite sure himself. What did he come here for? To return some stranger’s insignificant belongings? He’s starting to doubt himself too.

Seungmin stays silent.

“The stalker alternative is honestly more convincing.”

“Aish, come on.” Hyunjin’s head falls backward as he groans. The younger one is giggling again, light and nasally. 

It’s charming.

“Alright, alright, that’s the last one.” He grins. 

“Rude, I even washed it for you and everything.” Hyunjin pouts, his arms falling slightly. The other’s smile grows even more, reaching his eyes this time, and his gaze shifts from a mischievous glint to something that’s warmer and more genuine.

“I know, I can tell. You’re too kind, Hyunjin.” Seungmin replies quietly.

There’s something about the way the boy says his name, the sound milky, soft, comfortable, and barely more than a whisper, that sends chills down Hyunjin’s spine. He steps towards him and reaches forwards,

But instead of taking the handkerchief out of Hyunjin’s hands like he had expected, Seungmin gently pushes them backwards, and it’s like for a short second his brain puts the world in slow motion to let the feeling of the younger’s fingers against his linger for a bit longer. 

“Do you… do you not want it back?” Hyunjin blinks in confusion. Seungmin shakes his head.

“It’s okay, keep it. It just feels right. You know, it's like a piece of historical evidence to commemorate the reunion that no one asked for. Also, your bodily fluids were on that thing, which is, you know,” He halfheartedly gags. Hyunjin looks down, suddenly overcome with nervousness.

“I mean, I asked for it. To meet you, I mean...” He murmurs quietly, and now Seungmin is the one that’s blushing. It’s barely noticeable, the color painfully unsaturated, but maybe Seungmin’s better at hiding things than he lets on, or maybe the magnitude of Hyunjin’s observation just isn’t that large and he’s just mildly taken aback. His mouth is curved into a surprised “o” and Hyunjin can’t help but think that the bewildered and dazed look on Seungmin’s face is stupidly adorable.

And also, since when did he start thinking strangers were adorable? Was this a common trend or an isolated incident? 

He doesn’t know which alternative is better (or worse).

Their awkward silence is interrupted by the sudden sound of passive and shy pitter pattering that begins around them. It’s starting to rain, not heavy but also not light enough to be considered a drizzle, filling the previously empty ambience with the sound of water droplets hitting dry pavement. The wind has picked up slightly as well, and Hyunjin finds himself moving unconsciously to help cover Seungmin from the piercing gusts, who’s wearing far fewer layers than him.

But he’s taken by surprise again when instead, the biggest smile stretches across the younger’s face, making the small grin from before pale in comparison. For a small eternity Hyunjin stops breathing normally because Seungmin is practically glowing, staring excitedly at the world outside of the roof of the bus stop. He leaves his backpack behind and rushes onto the pavement, looking at the sky as if it’s a familiar friend. His bangs start to stick to his forehead and his clothes are getting wet, but he looks too elated to care. There’s an ethereal glow that’s cast onto his pale and glistening skin from the yellow streetlight above, and Hyunjin puts aside his pressing concern for Seungmin’s health to just pause and stare at him instead.

The world around them is so active and in motion. The air looks like it’s moving, packed with speeding water droplets, and from the corner of his eye he can see a few cars running up and down the street.

And yet this moment feels so still; locked in time and space. He wants to immortalize it, maybe keep it in his pocket to look back at when he feels down.

“We haven’t had weather like this since Autumn. It’s been forever.” The younger breathes, staring back at him. Hyunjin shakes his head at the sound of his voice, falling back to reality.

“Get back in here!” Hyunjin presses, waving towards himself once he comes out of his trance. “You’re wearing nothing, you’ll catch a cold!” 

Seungmin ignores him. He only lowers his head when another light comes into the scene a block or so away. He hurries back to the bus stop to get his transport pass out, throwing his backpack carelessly over his shoulder and turning to face Hyunjin again.

It takes a moment for him to realize just how close they are to each other underneath this claustrophobic space, except for some reason, with Seungmin, he doesn’t mind the lack of distance. Hyunjin finds himself doing mundane things as the younger boy mumbles in a hushed voice about things that go straight through his head, like tracing the wispy shapes of Seungmin’s bouncy hair; noticing more features of his face than what he thinks is respectful, like how the twinkling in Seungmin’s eyes can replace the stars that they can’t see.

“I’ll… see you some other time, maybe? Hopefully. You’re funny, Mr. Hwang. Oh! And I hope you found your miracle.” Seungmin sends him one final smile, hopping cheerfully onto the bus despite the wetness of his clothes weighing him down.

As the vehicle turns around the corner, Hyunjin can’t bring himself to worry about how he doesn’t have a way to get back home because there’s too much on his mind.

Like how he did get his miracle. Like how he can’t take his mind off of the patch of concrete where Seungmin was standing just a second ago, or whatever that odd boy was, whether it be a miracle, an alien, or something else.

It’s the last time he sees Seungmin for a year.

But it isn’t the last time he thinks about him.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always wondered what it would be like to sit in one of those big board meetings at some big production. I think storyboarding would be fun. It's like vomiting all of your ideas out onto a canvas but never having to commit to them. It's kinda like writing fanfic. You get all of these really cool ideas but you never really finish writing them.
> 
> I've finished the bulk of this one though, so hopefully it gets completed (?) I'm totally kidding, dw I'll do my best lol.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chelyabinsk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty good development in Hyunjin's life. It's unexpected, but it's good, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whY is tHIS sO LONG i didn't even reaLiZE IT UNTIL NOW WHAT

The first time Hyunjin ever saw a shooting star was on his ninth birthday.

His mother had suddenly shouted to him from across the room, ripping his and his elementary school friends away from the cake they were devouring to instead focus on the streak of light against the night sky. It looked as though it was painted by some deity's thin brush, luminous and enamoring against a canvas of darkness. The moment was brief, measurable by a few seconds, and yet the excitement and emotion in the air spiked to its highest that evening when everyone looked up to gaze at the celestial show above them.

Everyone turned back inside once the sky was empty again, but Hyunjin stayed still on the balcony of their tiny and cramped apartment staring at the expanse of space above him as if the shooting star really DID leave a streak of paint instead of a temporary amusement for him and his birthday guests. The feeling was vivid and enigmatic as if the brevity of the phenomenon was what was keeping him in such a daze. The first moment in your life when you see a shooting star, to Hyunjin, is a short moment. Even then, it leaves its mark on you nonetheless, both in the moment and in the long term, like a nostalgic box of fond feelings and memories that are stored in such a short moment.

Apparently, the feeling stays even after eleven years. He finds himself staring at a familiar square of fabric resting at the bottom of one of his kitchen cabinets (don’t ask why it’s in there, because honestly, he doesn’t know either) as he’s busy finalizing the preparations for moving day.

And as he thumbs over the corners of the handkerchief, he thinks that Seungmin is a bit like a shooting star in his own right. The younger boy was perhaps barely even a temporary fixture in his life. He sped over the surface of Hyunjin’s planet in the blink of an eye; easy to miss if he blinked and so far away from the center of Hyunjin’s life. They knew nothing of each other, and they couldn’t help it because they barely had the time.

But there’s still this twinkle from the boy, from his eyes, from his smile and from his words that seem to conveniently appear in the strangest corners of his mind here and there. His laugh replays like a broken record whenever Hyunjin sees a bus stop, and sometimes when it rains he can almost envision a brown-haired boy smiling up at the sky, twirling around in the empty streets. Even if Seungmin was only there for a few seconds in the documentary that is the life of Hwang Hyunjin, there are meaningful little pieces of the younger boy scattered here and there when he looks closely.

Or whenever he looks AT ALL, because he thinks about Seungmin more than he expects (or notices).

He stares at the handkerchief for a few more seconds before folding it neatly and placing it into a moving box nearby.

______

“...Sir? Your...your purchase?”

Hyunjin is staring blankly at the bag that the cashier is holding out to him, and while the other boy likely can’t see his face from behind the mask and massive sunglasses that he's wearing, he’s pretty sure that he’d laugh after seeing how far Hyunjin's jaw is dropping.

His manager normally would make a pit stop at this convenience store in the morning on days of the week where he was filming to grab breakfast since Hyunjin always slept late. There’s normally always a cranky middle-aged woman sitting at the cash register, greeting them with a gruff “good morning” as she scans the canned americano he always ends up picking no matter how hard his manager tries to convince him to go with something more “nutritional” each time.

Today’s a bit different. He’s sneaking out again (no surprise there), but he’s trying to dial back on his habit of gravitating naturally towards the bar he familiarized himself with.

Because at this point in his career, it’d be seriously inconvenient to turn into an alcoholic.

He’s been trying out late-night cafes and more food-oriented bars instead of the ones that you go to purely to get hammered. They don’t quite do the same thing for him; if anything it’s just been making him grumpier since the evening caffeine always keeps him up until the early hours of the morning, but he likes to think that it’s just an adjusting period that he’ll get over once he becomes accustomed to it.

He’s been trying out convenience stores too, mainly the ones within walking distance to the new place he’s moving to soon. So far he’s liking them the most. The selection is wide and this particular night he figured he might as well try the store that he goes to the most during the morning, wondering why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

It’s nearing midnight. Hyunjin is tired from shooting all day, and his shoulder is acting up after a stunt he had to pull over and over again because the director (read: entitled brat) insisted on having multiple cuts. He’s tired, needless to say, and kind of feeling like an asshole. He haphazardly chucks the first two cups of ramen onto the checkout table before feeling like a shitty celebrity and carefully placing the bottles of banana milk with as little noise as possible. He barely has the energy to look up, and honestly, it’s probably not helping his image because he looks like a criminal right now, his face completely covered and his body decked out in black attire.

The cashier either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, greeting him with a predictably cheerful “good evening!” that goes straight through his head because _who’s this happy at eleven pm, on a Saturday of all days when most people should be at home?_

It’s not until he looks up do his ears and his eyes open up again, a rush of adrenaline injecting itself violently into his veins to chase away any trace of fatigue or lethargy in his body. The boy behind the register doesn’t seem to notice until he’s holding a small plastic bag out to him that Hyunjin can’t grab onto, his hands levitating pathetically in between the two of them.

It’s been a long and packed year since Hyunjin last saw him, but he recognizes the features of Seungmin’s face just as easily as he did before.

“Your purchase? Is… there something wrong?” The younger boy asks. He starts blinking awkwardly as he lifts the bag, touching it to Hyunjin’s unmoving fingers. There’s a bit of fear that’s starting to break into the other’s face, probably wondering why some freaky weirdo is staying chillingly silent as they stare at each other. Understandably, it's probably somewhat unsettling, and it doesn't take long before Hyunjin snaps back into reality.

“S-Seungmin?” His voice cracks a little near the end, and he clears his voice hurriedly as he finally takes the bag, apologizing profusely. Seungmin’s eyes widen despite the under-eye bags before squinting as if he’s trying to see the other’s face through the frightening amount of cloth over his face. There’s a suspenseful pause as he watches Seungmin mentally rewind the inhuman noise he had made just a second ago before his entire face lights up with both confusion and mild delight.

“...Hyunjin? Is that you? I thought you were a burglar or something!” He exclaims disbelievingly. Hyunjin laughs, pulling the mask down to his chin and taking his sunglasses off clumsily.

“Why is it that every time you see me, you think I’m doing something illegal?” He asks incredulously to hide his matching skepticism. Small amounts of uncontrollable joy begin seeping into his voice. It’s a bit embarrassing, but at the same time he can’t bring himself to care.

“Firstly, I’ve literally only met you two times before this. Secondly, uh, have you looked at yourself?”

“Hey, I look exceedingly ordinary compared to the average dude.” He replies almost defensively, pouting sullenly. Seungmin rolls his eyes, a hesitant smile on his face, and his eyes curve upwards before his lips like Hyunjin remembers. It’s an oddly warm memory, and he doesn’t question it.

“It’s literally dark out, why are you wearing sunglasses? And also, the facemask? So celebrity-like.” He jokes.

Hyunjin winces internally. It’s been a while since they last saw each other, and while they’ve remained virtually the same people, at least around each other, a lot has changed in Hyunjin’s life. His unrealistic dream of making it big as an actor is finally happening. The series he acted in around the last time he and Seungmin last met was a massive hit with great reception, and ever since then he’s been getting offers more and more frequently every single day for another upcoming drama, show, and so on. He’s appearing on his first radio show tomorrow in preparation for something big that he’s filming next month, and he’s even been in an advertisement or two.

His life is finally getting hectic in the best way possible, but it means that people are starting to know about him too. He can’t really go out into public barefaced anymore without getting recognized once or twice a day, and he definitely can’t risk getting caught being out this late since he’s way past curfew.

Hence, the excessive (somewhat criminal inspired) disguise.

And he doesn’t want to sound egotistic, but there’s something that’s so relieving, and admittedly, exciting about Seungmin not knowing that there’s a lot more to Hyunjin’s name ever since the last time they had seen each other where he had practically mopped the vomit off the front of his shirt. Because hey, getting jokingly called a criminal by someone who has both no idea who you are and has seen you at your worst is weirdly refreshing.

But also, seeing Seungmin at all is a welcome surprise.

“I’ve uh, I’ve got a cold. I look like shit right now as well, so consider yourself lucky.” He edges (which isn’t technically a lie, seeing as he’s been averaging at around three hours of sleep for the past week. naturally, he isn’t exactly feeling the greatest)

“That would explain why your face is so red. Do you need an icepack? I think we have some peas in the back as well.” Seungmin asks innocently. Hyunjin declines as politely as he can. He doesn’t want the other to find out how honest his face can be.

Also, why does it feel like his ears are on fire?

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Can I get your number though? Not talking to you for a year was kind of a freak accident. Not like we talked a lot before, but uh... more friends? Friends are a good thing?” He tries instead, his voice pinching awkwardly near the end. Seungmin doesn’t seem to notice, nodding eagerly.

“Good initiative, I like it.” The younger replies. He starts squinting to something in the corner of the roof on the other side of the store. Hyunjin follows his gaze, wondering why Seungmin hasn’t said or done anything yet until he sees a security camera staring directly back at them. He spins back around and glares at the counter in panic, because if Seungmin was looking there too then that DEFINITELY means he should be worried about being watched.

“Holy shit, AM I doing something illegal?! Why are you staring at the camera?” He asks anxiously. Seungmin chuckles, shaking his head.

“Nah, you’re good, you’re probably just channeling your thief outfit or something. Anyways, employees are supposed to leave their phones in the back. It’s bad for our work ethic or whatever. Just give me a bit before I run back and get it. It’s a Friday, so it should begin turning the other way in…” Seungmin pauses to glare at his watch. “About… seventy-three seconds from here?” He finishes. Hyunjin stares at him in wonder.

“Huh, precise. That’s actually… really cool. How’d you figure that out?” He asks curiously, his voice awestruck. Seungmin shrugs, as if he’s trying to downplay himself.

“The routine for that thing changes pretty predictably depending on the day. I guess you naturally pick up on some stuff after working here for so long.”

But there’s a ghost of a blush that sneakily begins to color the younger’s cheeks despite how nonchalant his words are. It’s subtle, and if Hyunjin was any more tired than he already was, he probably wouldn’t have noticed.

Except he does, and he’s painfully aware of it.

“Anyways, keep me company for like, a minute? I’ll pretend to be intensely interested in your inspiring speech about the power of friendship.” Seungmin drawls, his eyes half-lidded as he leans against the counter.

And so he does stay, longer than he probably should have because they keep accidentally missing the one minute mark, talking for longer than he should. Seungmin rolls his eyes after the fifth time it happens, but the smile on his face never falls off, and Hyunjin hopes that maybe it stays there because he’s happy and not because he’s polite.

After almost ten minutes, Seungmin caves and ends up just staring at the camera while trying to ignore the other as best as he can. Hyunjin, being the incredibly mature and sophisticated adult that he is, makes this ridiculously difficult by standing in front of Seungmin while trying to get the younger boy to look him by making the most ridiculous faces that his body can conjure. Seungmin eventually just throws his hands up in the air and storms to the back after they miss two more cues ( _“honestly, if he ever looks at this footage, I’m getting fired either way.”_ ).

When the younger leaves his vision, Hyunjin lets out a content sigh, a metaphorical load falling off his shoulders. Completely removing his sunglasses and the mask, he smiles to himself while staring at the roof, as if he’s accomplished something in this technically meaningless but emotionally important evening (Achievement Unlocked: Unleash the Kraken! [Annoy Kim Seungmin long enough for him to lose his job])

The world is finally regaining its quietness, the calming silence of the night permeating into the still atmosphere, and it seems like it would stay that way until he hears a high pitched gasp come from the door.

There’s a girl, probably a year or two younger than him, staring at him in shock and excitement as she energetically slaps a hand over her mouth before rushing over to him. Cursing under his breath, he smiles and greets her, his response polite and short before he practically sprints out of the store as he hurriedly puts his disguise back on.

He knew he shouldn’t have come out this late without his manager’s permission.

What’s surprising though, is that the only thing he feels guilty about is leaving Seungmin behind alone and without a clue for why he had to run away.

_____

As he finally returns to the counter, Seungmin only finds himself staring confusedly at the empty store around him. He’s more excited than he expected, the contact list already pulled up on his phone as he’s barely made it out of the backroom, but he’s left just feeling a little disappointed (and more sad than he’s willing to admit).

_____

It’s currently two in the morning, and instead of going back home like he should have, he’s standing outside of an apartment a few minutes away from his place. The door opens painfully slowly, revealing a messy haired and sleep deprived male. Neither of them bother to say a word, the other simply grunting something incoherent as Hyunjin meanders into the room.

“Did you get anything to eat?” He asks, heading straight for the fridge.

“You never call me when you want something to eat, fuckface. I’m not psychic, I can’t just predict when you’re coming over or when you’re hungry.” Chan deadpans, flopping lazily back onto the old leather couch in the living room before continuing to tap away at his laptop. Hyunjin pointedly ignores him, rummaging through the extensive collections of the older’s food stash.

“Oooh, takeout.”

“HEY, that’s MINE!”

“Well, that just sounds like a you problem.”

“YES. YES, it is a me problem because that’s MINE. It’s breakfast.”

“Well your things are my things, so suck it up buddy.” Hyunjin drawls loudly, poking his head out from the kitchen. He haphazardly throws the meal into a microwave for a minute before setting it unceremoniously on the coffee table in front of Chan. The older male doesn’t even divert his eyes from his laptop, sliding it onto the table with his eyes glued to the screen as he feels around blindly for the food.

“Ever heard of utensils?” Hyunjin jokes, handing him a fork.

“Shush. Anyways, if I die of starvation tomorrow, I WILL reincarnate and mess your shit up.”

“I know for a fact that you have several boxes of cheerios underneath your bed. I highly doubt that food is your largest problem right now. Also, you won’t be able to fuck with me any more than you already do, so keep dreaming.”

“Touche. My biggest problem is today, actually. I haven’t even finished my mix for the evaluation.” Chan mutters, defeatedly pressing a key on his laptop with more force than necessary. “How’s this sound?”

A simple but addicting electronic pattern fills the small room for a few seconds as Chan stares at him expectantly with curious eyes. It’s choppy and energetic in an aesthetically pleasing kind of way, and Hyunjin doesn’t have to try too hard to make it look like he’s paying attention to the beat.

“I like it. It’s uh, it’s super…” Hyunjin tries to muster any musical terminology he can remember from the middle school band class that nobody remembered. “Super legato. Yeah.”

“Legato?”

“Legato.”

“That’s, like, the literal opposite of what I’m trying to go for.” Chan deadpans. Hyunjin rolls his eyes.

“Eh, I don’t know your producing jargon. It sounds good, that’s all you need to know. You’ll do great at evals, stop worrying so much.”

“Fuck, I hate this. I forgot how shitty being at square one was. I don’t wanna have to do this for forever again just for them to give me another two seconds in the spotlight before they kick me out.” Chan sighs. His head settles on the couch behind him, and he shrugs around for a few seconds before closing his eyes restlessly. Hyunjin knows better than anyone to shut up whenever Chan starts brainstorming like this, and he can’t help but smile.

There’s a lot that he’s learned from the older boy, and even then, he’s still jealous of the attributes from Chan that he hasn’t picked up yet. For someone who's been accepted into so many large and menacing entertainment labels, the guy sure has a terrible track record with debuting. Plans always seem to fall through, as if a bad omen follows Chan around like a tail would a dog. The older male has to keep leaving for reasons that he isn’t willing to disclose, always touchy with details about his career with anyone other than Hyunjin. He remembered how both crushed yet relieved Chan had been when he left his previous company, the one that he had stayed at for the longest. It's as if there was a burdensome weight pressing down on his chest that was finally lifted away, like a row of shackles that left deep bruises across the skin to breathe against open air. Perhaps some small part of Chan content with going under the public eye under his previous label, but Hyunjin couldn’t tell if it was because he was finally doing what he wanted to do or if it was the promise of a massive spotlight that gave him the illusion of satisfaction. Either way, when he was forced to leave the group, he was depressed, and it pushed him into an all-time low that he had never seen Chan venture into before.

But if there’s one thing that he knows Chan will never be, it’s a quitter. There’s too much for Hyunjin to admire when it comes to the sheer determination and resilience that powers the older boy, and the only things in the world that can stop his rampage are food and maybe a few select hours of sleep on days where his self-control isn’t as strong. It took barely a month for Chan to find another company, a smaller one this time, one where he feels like he’s working towards a goal that’ll actually recognize and celebrate his talents and his interests. He might not be treated as a top tier trainee anymore, and he might not be any different from any first stage trainee in this new home that he's found, but even someone who isn’t best friends with Chan like Hyunjin is can probably tell that he won’t be backing down anytime soon.

It’s why Hyunjin trusts the older boy so much, like a brother. Even after the two have seen the worst of each other, their mutual trust has stayed the same after so many years of struggling.

“I made a new friend today.” Hyunjin mutters, hours later as he’s staring listlessly at the sleeping city outside of Chan's balcony. For once, the other looks away from his laptop.

“Mmm, this is interesting. Am I experiencing the rare phenomenon where Hyunjin actually interacts with people?” Chan asks dryly, yelping after Hyunjin pinches his arm.

“At least I hope he’s a friend.” Hyunjin says, ignoring the older. “After today though, he either thinks I’m really weird or an asshole.”

“I mean… both of those aren’t necessarily inaccurate.”

“Hey dickhead, you’re supposed to comfort me right now.”

“Right. Because I'm a good person. Anyways, this is the part where I ask what happened, right?” Chan drawls, sliding his torso downwards until he’s practically hanging upside down off the side of the couch beside Hyunjin.

“I met this guy who helped clean me up after I got blackout drunk one night a year ago, and I ran into him again today at this convenience store he works at.” He replies nervously, playing absentmindedly with his hoodie strings. “He’s just… weird in such a good way, Hyung. He’s cool and he's funny and he's mean in the best way possible? If that makes sense? Does that make sense?” Hyunjin asks deliriously.

“I mean, have you met yourself? _'Mean in the best way possible_ ' could be the name of your autobiography.”

“Shush. So I asked for his number, right? But before I could get it, someone recognized me and I had to bolt.”

“Ah yes, the difficult life of being famous, how melancholic. Side note: I have to say, I watched an episode of that drama you just finished filming, and while I’m proud of you or whatever for making it big, which trust me I SERIOUSLY am, if I ever have to watch you confess to a girl on a school rooftop again with all of those ridiculous zooms and transitions, I WILL throw MYSELF off of a roof.”

“I mean… unrelated… but okay?”

“Just go talk to him again.” Chan says straightforwardly, grunting slightly as he lifts himself back onto the couch. He ruffles the younger’s hair and smiles when Hyunjin looks up uncertainly at him. “It’s a one-time coincidence. I don’t think any logical person can stay mad at you if you explain it well enough. You weren't given any other good options, so you picked your battles, and I'd wager that you picked them pretty smartly. Plus, you're too much of a goof to dislike.”

“But I don’t want him to know why I left! I like having him not know about what I do for a living. I’m starting to get popular now, and even if someone doesn’t know who I am initially, they start getting all excited and polite when they figure out I’m in some big show. It doesn’t even matter if they’ve never seen it, people just look and speak to me differently if they know that my lifestyle barely resembles that of a celebrity. I don’t know, it’s just… it’s just nice? He’s just nice, Hyung. I don't really know him but I like the way we are now… and what if that changes if I tell him?” Hyunjin murmurs anxiously. God, he hates the way he sounds right now, as if the problem he's trying to solve is some mid-life crisis that is intertwined with his final thread of existence; like this one choice that he's making will implode into some massive butterfly effect that changes the direction of his life. He's trying to make a new friend, not prevent nuclear warfare; It's NOT THAT DEEP.

Chan sits up and frowns.

“Wellll, I still don’t think that’s good enough of a reason to not go back.” Chan replies. “It’s like you said, you’re getting big now. People are recognizing you when you go out in public. It’s not gonna be long- assuming you DO go back- before he realizes that you’re famous or whatever, and you’re not gonna have to tell that to him. Is it really that terrible of a thing to tell him beforehand, to get the deed done before you end up disappointed? Besides, he seems like an okay guy, from what you’re saying at least. He’d probably understand.”

“Things would be different though.” Hyunjin mutters petulantly.

“You don’t know that. Look at us.” Chan gestures vaguely to the two of them, sipping from a canned beer. “I still steal from you, you still steal from me, and it’s not like I only let you come over because you’re mildly famous.”

“You’re a celebrity though.”

“See, us refined folks with the semi-functional vocabulary consider that a 'hyperbole'. I’m somewhere in the same bracket as you at best. Besides, you’re like my alcoholic and emotionally unavailable son, and your career sure as hell won’t change that. Seriously though, I think you’re turning into me. Are you wearing my hoodie? That looks like my hoodie.”

“Yeah, and?”

“I’m a GENIUS.”

“This is different though. Maybe I just shouldn’t go back.” Hyunjin huffs, trying to shift the conversation back to its original topic as he settles roughly against the couch with his arms crossed. “It’s not like I’m not used to having no new friends.”

“You’re allowed to meet new people, you know.” Chan says, his voice suddenly quiet and filled with all of the warmth that just sounds so fitting for the older boy. “You’re allowed to be happy, Hyunjin. If you don’t know that by now, either the world has done a massive injustice to you, or you’re just ignorant.”

____

And so naturally, following those inspiring words for Chan (and also because Hyunjin has zero self-control), he’s standing nervously outside of the same convenience store again a week later. He’s got his phone at the ready in his hand as if it’s a weapon, and he’s determined to get Seungmin’s number this time.

(Replying that phrase in his head, Hyunjin realizes that it can be wildly taken out of context and could ACTUALLY make him look like the stalker that Seungmin is convinced he is, but also at the same time, Hyunjin can’t really blame him. Hey, he's a desperate man, and desperate people will do desperate things)

He’s also still debating on whether or not he should tell Seungmin why he ran away. He came here with the intention of doing so and explaining himself, but suddenly he’s having second thoughts. It’s difficult to be so brave, or at least to not be such a coward, he thinks.

From the windows, he can see Seungmin. The younger boy is staring at the security camera again, one hand placed precariously on a textbook that’s hidden behind the cash register, and he turns abruptly to the pages once the camera looks away.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath, preparing to enter the store. His feet won’t budge, and he finds himself stuck as he watches Seungmin repeat the same cycle a few more times, zoning in on the way his nose scrunches funnily after a while of reading. An old man enters the store a few minutes later. The younger stands up suddenly.

Seungmin smiles politely and bows.

He fidgets with something under the desk as he waits for him to make his purchase, bowing again when he leaves.

God, he really IS acting like a creep, Hyunjin thinks to himself.

So finally, he garners the courage to march into the store after collecting himself.

Except all of that temporary confidence dissolves so easily once Seungmin calmly looks turns towards him as the glass doors slide open so nonchalantly, as if they’re mocking how awkward and out of place Hyunjin suddenly feels.

Seungmin smiles politely and bows.

And for some reason Hyunjin feels hurt, almost distressed in a guilty kind of way. There’s no familiar flash of recognition in his eyes, like when he first realized that it was Hyunjin who had sauntered into the store. His shoulders stay deflated at his sides, and the dark circles underneath his eyes look even worse than last time. It’s not until the precautionary smile slips off of Seungmin’s face does Hyunjin realize that his nervousness has instead morphed into concern for the younger boy.

It’s also when Seungmin’s stops smiling does he realize he’s been standing in the doorway for the past thirty seconds, staring awkwardly at the younger. He yelps when the automatic doors try to close on him, sputtering incoherent nonsense as he shuffles to one of the shelves far, far away from the boy at the cash register.

As he’s pretending to decide on a brand of iced coffee, it starts to make sense as to why Seungmin wouldn’t recognize him the more Hyunjin thinks about it. His face is covered up like before, and he’s wearing completely different clothes.

Still, it’s painful.

He places his final choices onto the counter in front of the younger boy, far more careful than last time. His mouth opens and closes behind his face mask, debating if he should say anything at all. Seungmin stays silent, scanning all of Hyunjin’s items while seemingly paying no attention to the person in front of him.

“...Seungmin, I-”

“You don’t need to tell me why you left.” The younger boy replies quietly, continuing to look down while failing to notice how Hyunjin deflates slightly. It’s relieving in a strange way. Seungmin’s tone is indiscernible, but at the very least he doesn't sound angry. His tone is overwhelmingly timid, laced with fatigue, and Hyunjin gets the sudden urge to hug him, maybe give him a little bit of refuge on the hypothetical problems in his head that Hyunjin can’t confirm he needs closure on. There’s a cloud that’s settling on Seungmin, thunderous and hailing, and Hyunjin can’t help but feel like he needs to give the younger boy something to brave the storm. Except he can’t, because that’d be weird.

“I’m sorry…” He mutters instead, his head bowed sheepishly.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad at you if that’s what you’re wondering.” Seungmin doesn’t even look up to reply, but his voice is so soft and understanding and _gentle_ that Hyunjin would have believed anything that the younger boy had said. He’s intuitive and perceptive like that, as if he knows what Hyunjin needs to do but can’t bring himself to. It makes him appreciate the younger boy even more, but it makes him feel guilty as well. Seungmin deserves an apology, or at least an explanation. Yet here he is: acting like a coward.

“Could we try this again? You know, exchanging numbers? I promise I won’t run away like last time.” Hyunjin says half jokingly, but also with all of the seriousness he can muster.

And maybe it's because he’s too much of an idealist or maybe it’s because he’s too used to people saying yes to him, but he expects Seungmin to look up and smile, maybe give him some kind of confirmation other than just comfortable words that yes, things are actually totally cool and nothing is wrong, and that yes, we can actually exchange numbers this time without one of us ditching the other halfway through the affair.

He knows that nothing important is happening right now and that there shouldn’t be any animosity brewing in the air. But even then, the air between the two of them is crackling with uncertainty, and Hyunjin finds himself helplessly playing up the intensity of the situation to a place where it obviously isn’t. He’s not a nervous person, but this scenario, or maybe the boy IN this scenario, makes him anxious (and yet it's not the worst kind of nervousness?).

So when Seungmin does look up, and when he does smile to build up the expectation in Hyunjin’s gut, only to shake his head and say,

“No.”

He feels the lens of his world crack a bit. Maybe out of confusion, maybe out of shock, or maybe out of the disappointment that’s more overwhelming than he thinks it should be.

“But… if you’re willing to wait maybe… ten more minutes?” Seungmin adds quickly after seeing the way Hyunjin’s face goes blank. “Um, my boss is in the back, so I can’t really, you know…” He whispers timidly.

______

So Hyunjin does wait. He waits far longer than ten minutes, but every second passing feels both ridiculously drawn out yet too fast for comfort. Each unit of time is distinctly dissected into its constituent pieces for him to examine and panic over because a) he’s waiting restlessly for Seungmin to get off of his shift, and b) what’s he supposed to do once they DO get each other’s contact information? Sit there and stare at each other?

(After spending one of the thirty minutes used waiting for Seungmin to contemplate a future where they DO just look at each other, Hyunjin concludes that maybe staring at the younger boy isn’t the worst possible outcome. How he came to that conclusion is beyond him, so he embarrassingly shoves that thought down the rabbit hole of his brain and resolves to never consider that possibility because AGAIN, he’s not a total creep (hopefully).

It’s concerning as to how many times Hyunjin has to remind himself that he’s not a creep, and at this point, he’s not completely sure as to why Seungmin is still willing to spend time with him.

 _“Gee Golly, is his personality truly that magnetic?”_ His brain echoes helpfully in a familiarly sarcastic tone that sounds suspiciously like Chan. The wonders of Hwang Hyunjin, an immature and ambiguously perplexing psychological phenomenon: a creep that isn’t… creepy?)

Shaking his head as if he’s trying to refresh his brain, he takes in the scene around him. The moon is ever so slightly visible behind layers of smoke and dense clouds, shining the area around him with barely visible pale moonlight. He’s picked a small alleyway in one of the turns on the side of the convenience store, squatting on the ground with his head against the cold brick behind him.

The alleyway goes on seemingly forever, and if he squints, he can see the towering and glittering lights of downtown shining like stars on earth. There’s no streetlights in just the entryway of the alley where Hyunjin is though, and it’s almost as if this little piece of the street is its own pocket of dimension. A gust of oddly warm wind blows across the alleway, and he closes his eyes.

“Hi?”

A soft voice causes him to force himself to stand up. Seungmin is staring at him curiously, two bars of ice cream in his hand.

“Hey, fancy meeting you here.” Hyunjin replies cheekily. The younger rolls his eyes, walking over to him.

“Interesting choice of location for a rendezvous. It’s smart though. I stood outside the store for a solid five minutes wondering where you were and if you bailed on me again before realizing it would probably be a better idea to do our sneaky suspicious business in a place where my boss can’t see us, so I appreciate the effort.” Seungmin muses.

“Fun fact, I actually did stand outside of the store for a solid hour before walking in.”

“I’d make the stalker joke again, but at this point I think it’s getting old.”

“Does that mean I’ll finally get to stop hearing about it?” Hyunjin asks excitedly. Seungmin smirks.

“I mean I still think you are, but if it’s better for your conscience then I’ll stop talking about it. Next time I’ll just call the police.” He replies teasingly. He holds out one of the two wrappers in his hand. “Oh yeah, also I got you something. It’s not the greatest source of nutrition, but it somewhat resembles a food item, right?”

“Ice cream. On a day like this?” Hyunjin asks, gesturing vaguely to the space around them before taking Seungmin’s offer gratefully. Seungmin bobs his head.

“That’s what I thought too. My boss wouldn’t let me take any of the ramen or onigiri because of capitalism or whatever.” Seungmin frowns to himself, opening his own bar after Hyunjin’s already halfway done his. He’s the type of person that bites his ice cream, or a psychopath as Chan likes to call them. He didn’t do it originally, but recently he’s adopted the habit just to spite the older male. He’s regretting it now though because from the way Seungmin is looking at him funny, the younger probably thinks the same.

“I’m not an economist but I don’t think that’s how it works.” Hyunjin replies, trying to cover his ice cream filled mouth. Seungmin hums, slumping down against the wall.

“What, capitalism? You’d be right, but none of us have been able to take as much free stuff as we used to be able to cause our boss just keeps getting more and more greedy. You call it business logic, I call it a monetary scheme that’s working against my rights as a worker.” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin almost chokes on his ice cream.

They stay in both awkward yet comfortable silence for a while, eating to the sound of passing cars and whistling wind. An atmosphere as uneventful as this one should feel turbulent, suffocating even. But with Seungmin beside him, the air feels still despite the whirlwinds that blow through the alleyway. There’s a calming aura of milky softness that seems to follow the younger boy wherever he goes, and it makes Hyunjin feel all drowsy and sluggish, forgetting what he came here for in the first place.

“Oh! Right.” Hyunjin exclaims, pulling out his phone. Seungmin watches confusedly for a second before making a similar noise of realization, pulling out his own as well. “This is what we were supposed to do.”

Quickly after saving each other in their phones (Seungmin affectionately has Hyunjin named “criminal” with a lock emoji), they turn quiet again, except unlike before the stillness is deafening and difficult to navigate.

“Soo… do I leave? Should we go home now? Have a good evening?” Hyunjin asks awkwardly. Seungmin shrugs, crumpling the ice cream wrapper before tossing it into a nearby trash can.

“I guess so? I have no idea what normal people do when they meet someone new. I haven’t made a new friend in years.” Seungmin muses, looking down nervously. “I mean, assuming that we’re friends. Also, does that make me lame?”

“Hey, I haven’t made a new friend in, like, five years as well! It’s like we’re meant for each other.” Hyunjin cheers jokingly. Seungmin squints his eyes.

“The fact that both of us are equally undesirable as potential friends makes it seem like we’re settling for each other as a last resort.” The younger one observes flatly. Hyunjin gasps and dramatically places a hand on his chest.

“I can’t believe you’d sink so low to make friends with a mess like me!” He exclaims sarcastically. Seungmin giggles, the sound delicately tinkling in his ear.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. You wouldn’t be like someone I’d settle for.” He replies mildly.

And there’s a brief moment where Hyunjin has to pause after the warm and squishy feeling in his stomach has resurfaced again as he stares at Seungmin with wide eyes, the latter purposefully looking elsewhere. He finds himself unconsciously narrowing in on the way the younger boy messes around with the bottom of his worker’s vest, notices the way his delicate fingers toy with the inexpensive cloth.

He has to wonder to himself why he focuses on such mundane things.

There’s no conviction in Seungmin’s words, no weight in his tone as he says those words. He’s back to staring at the sky again, like he doesn’t even know how much that one sentence is unintentionally affecting Hyunjin.

But there isn’t that familiar lighthearted sound to Seungmin’s voice either; the sound is different this time. The teasing drawl is completely missing from the way he speaks, and Hyunjin has to question just how much the younger boy means those words.

_____

It’s probably a coincidence that Hyunjin is up this early again (or however early ten in the morning is for most people). He’s staring at an intimidatingly large stack of cardboard boxes of various sizes sprawled out over his floor. Warm yet unsaturated sunlight filters through the glass doors of his new balcony, and he has utterly no idea where to start.

Here’s the thing: Hyunjin doesn’t necessarily have the worst eye for these types of “moving”-esque tasks. Actually, before he got into the acting business, he wanted to become an interior designer, and he likes to think that some of those interests have helped nurture a weird internal mental inclination towards orienting furniture in an aesthetically pleasing manner.

He’s already packed his belongings fairly well, spending more time than necessary throwing things neatly into his moving boxes back at his old place. Hyunjin would like to think that he’s set himself up for a pretty good day of settling into this new place, and he pretends that said 'new' place is also metaphorically representative of a new start for him (No more rooftop apartment! No more fruit flies! No more indecisive and bipolar heating system! The possibilities are endless, truly!).

That being said, the actual organizing part? Like, putting dishes into cupboards, filing photos, DVD’s, important documents, and all that other boring stuff? And also, actually MOVING this gargantuan couch? THAT stuff is all disgusting, and for the past few minutes he’s been sitting on the floor staring mindlessly at all of his luggage because _what the hell is he supposed to DO with it?_

So he decisively decides that situations like these can’t be handled by just one person, and admittedly he just doesn’t really want to be alone either. Who knows, maybe this whole moving experience could be even more fun and meaningful with more people involved?

He opens up his phone, scrolling through the contact list looking for candidates, and his finger almost immediately falls on Seungmin. It’s fast, almost as if he’s acting on instinct (or maybe it’s just because he’s his most recent contact. Yeah, that's what it was).

He’s halfway to pressing the call icon before stopping reluctantly. Hyunjin closes his eyes and sighs. This isn’t right; they aren’t close, and they’ve barely spent any time together, it’d be weird to invite someone you barely know to your house, let alone force them to help him move in of all things.

Defeatedly, he goes back to scrolling, trying to ignore the disappointment swelling in his gut. In all honesty, there aren’t really many people he trusts enough to handle his belongings, maybe six or seven at most. CHan does pick up (expectedly) and agrees to come over (expectedly), but he only gets rejections in the next hour that he spends calling people.

So because he doesn’t have any more options (and maybe this is what he was hoping for all along), he graciously sends a text to Seungmin.

**[Hey, wanna help me move?]**

When he gets an almost instant reply, he can’t stop the smile that grows across his face, nor can he press down the pure excitement that he’s feeling.

_______

“Welcome to the Hwang compound!”

Hyunjin exclaims, bowing excitedly and thanking Seungmin profusely as he takes the plastic bags the younger is holding off of his hands. There’s a box of rice cakes and a few large bottles of the espresso that Hyunjin always gets when he goes to the convenience store (he starts feeling funny when he realizes Seungmin probably noticed). He sets them down in the kitchen.

“I’m honored. This is a nice place.” The younger boy muses. Hyunjin nods, grinning proudly. He has to agree. This new apartment complex is a massive upgrade in comparison to his previous living arrangement, and knowing that he’s finally got the money to actually afford this place is doing some good things for his psyche.

“Thanks for coming by the way. Sorry for the short notice, but I seriously needed the extra manpower. You’ll see, it’s a mess.” Hyunjin says, leading Seungmin out of the entranceway.

“No problem, I didn’t really have much to do today anyway. I should probably warn you now though that I have the physical strength of a handicapped dog, so I won’t be that helpful.” He replies dryly.

“You do look like a puppy.” Hyunjin chuckles. His hand is raised before he can stop himself, ruffling the younger boys hair playfully. He winces backwards after a second, worrying if he’s overstepped a boundary, but Seungmin either doesn’t notice or doesn’t mind, the other simply rolling his eyes with a ghost of a smile creeping onto his face.

He misses the blush that also starts to color his cheeks.

“I don’t look like a puppy...” Seungmin mutters, staring at the ground as he tries to poke the older in the side. Hyunjin whines dramatically, prompting a laugh from him.

____

“Holy crap, you really weren’t lying about the mess.” The younger says surprisingly once they walk into the main room. Hyunjin frowns and nods in agreement.

“Yeah, not my proudest achievement. That couch is giving me anxiety, it took me and the moving people a solid three hours to get that thing up here and it’s just been exuding chaotic energy while standing there menacingly ever since I woke up. These boxes too. I mean, it’s horrifying.” He frowns, crossing his arms.

“You should do theatre or something, I’ve never met someone so… emotionally volatile?” Seungmin offers jokingly.

Hyunjin laughs as naturally as he can, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

“Heh, yeah... Anyways, don’t worry about the two pieces of furniture I have. If you could help me with unpacking the stuff in these moving boxes and maybe organizing the stuff inside, that’d be great.” He motions vaguely to a few of the packages on the floor. Seungmin sits down almost immediately, already reaching greedily for the nearest box.

“YES, give me all of the boring organizing thingies. Your lack of attention to detail is no match for my intense thirst for uniformity.” Seungmin replies, taking the scissors Hyunjin’s holding out excitedly. The older chuckles, joining him on the ground.

“Loser.” He teases, yelping loudly when Seungmin swats at his head lightly. He starts to get up before Hyunjin stops him, whining as he clings to his leg. The younger falls to the floor, the two of them laughing when they amalgamate into a tangle of limbs. It's a bit awkward, but it's nice.

______

Chan shows up about half an hour later. His initial surprise when he first sees Seungmin turns into realization and mischief once Hyunjin tries to tell him as discreetly as possible that this was the boy Hyunjin had complained to him about a few nights ago.

He can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing that the two of them click together so easily, and if the two are a match made in heaven or a pair formed in the pits of hell. It's funny, because someone who talks a mile a minute like Chan paired with someone who speaks in one-liners like Seungmin, by logic, shouldn't have the great social chemistry.

But he seriously miscalculated

On one hand, they get stuff done of course, and he blows through the moving process at godspeed.

On the other hand, the teasing is relentless, and it’s even worse because the two can bounce off of each other’s remarks.

_(“This is for clothes.” Hyunjin notes absentmindedly, pulling another box between the three of them._

_“And THESE,” Chan says pointedly as he pulls out multiple garments of clothing. “Literally all belong to me._

_“Dude, are you sure you don’t have a stealing problem?” Seungmin says, feigning concern as he stares at Hyunjin. “I think calling you a thief wasn't inaccurate.”_

_“Oh I LIKE this one.” There’s a devious undertone to Chan's voice, and Hyunjin starts to worry for his personal safety when Seungmin starts laughing too.)_

______

The moment where the final cardboard box is thrown into the industrial-sized trash by the doorway is a euphoric one, the three of them flopping onto their backs against the cold hardwood flooring with impeccable comedic timing.

“This was the most disgustingly overzealous and physically draining thing I’ve done since the moment I was ripped from the womb.” Chan groaned, dragging a hand down his face. Hyunjin grunts in a vague noise of agreement.

“There was just… so much stuff.” Seungmin deadpanned, staring at the ceiling as if he was traumatized. “I know I said I love organizing things, but do you really need THAT many old DVDs of historical dramas that nobody watches anymore? Like, I don’t think even an elderly person would recognize any of these.”

“Hey, I’m a hoarder, and also, you signed up for this.”

“I looked at photos of pretty people in unconvincing wigs and historically inaccurate pieces of traditional clothing for TWO HOURS, HYUNJIN-”

“Okay, basically, we’re never helping Hyunjin in any of his future endeavours,” Chan declares, clapping his hands as he stands up. “And in the meantime, papa wants dinner. It’s eight, so we better order fast, no tardiness.”

“You sound like a war general.” Hyunjin jokes.

“Oh, when it comes to ordering the rations, battlefield planning must be handled with the utmost caution and precision.” Chan says with authority.

“Wanna stay for some food? My treat, for helping me move and stuff.” Hyunjin asks Seungmin, nudging the younger boy that’s lying lifelessly beside him. He raises his hand and tries to wave it dismissively as possible, the gesture looking more akin to a dead fish flopping over.

“That’s nice of you, but I can pay you back, no worries. Thanks for having me over for a meal.” Seungmin replies, back to smiling kindly instead of throwing teasing remarks. Hyunjin returns the grin.

“Nah, you already sacrificed your sanity helping me move. Think of this as compensation. Also, people normally get paid to do things like this.”

“It’s what friends do, right?”

______

So this has gone completely off the rails.

The night was meant to be casual. It’s a light dinner with a few friends over. It was simply supposed to be a celebratory party, Hyunjin had thought, to commemorate moving to a new place. The chicken arrives, along with a few other dishes because Hyunjin is splurging today, and they eat ravenously for the first few minutes after a day of rigorous working.

And so it’s not until Chan cheerfully pulls out two bottles of soju does Hyunjin’s intuition start to tell him that tonight might go in a direction he hadn’t initially planned. It’s no secret that Chan can hold his alcohol (it's not one of his proudest physical assets). Hyunjin’s no lightweight either, so the chances of them going through more than just a bottle are pretty high, and he’s not sure if he wants tonight to be one of THOSE nights. The thought barely crosses his mind though, and his better judgement barely puts up a fight as he lets Chan fill up the first round.

But then Hyunjin notices Seungmin hesitating to lift his own glass, and he starts to worry. His lips press into a tight and uneasy line as his hands stay still in his lap. Chan cheerfully offers to pour him one, lifting the bottle up gleefully.

“You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to. We don’t mind, really.” Hyunjin says softly, gently placing a hand on Seungmin’s arm. The younger jumps slightly on the pillow he’s sitting on, shaking his head and smiling. It’s shaky and nervous, as though the smile is to comfort himself more than anything.

“It’s nothing, I’m just not the biggest drinker... and I get really bad hangovers, so-”

“C’mon, just one shot! Please Seungminnie, we earned it~” Chan pouts playfully, holding the bottle out innocently as if it was a milk carton. Seungmin wrinkles his nose distastefully.

“I’m not-”

“Pwetty Pwease?” He presses further. Hyunjin and Seungmin both fake gag simultaneously. It’s hilarious, really, except he’s pretty sure he might ACTUALLY vomit if he sees Chan do that one more time.

“Oh god, please spare me, I’d rather die of alcohol poisoning.” Seungmin groans. Chan laughs heartily, as if there are soap bubbles popping in his lungs, and Hyunjin has a sneaking suspicion that he's already drunk.

“I knew you’d cave!” The eldest exclaims, carefully filling the glass Seungmin was holding out to him. The brown haired boy glanced gingerly between the soju and Hyunjin, who was shooting him a thumbs up.

“If I pass out, just make sure I’m breathing.” He grumbles before downing the entire glass, his face scrunching up unpleasantly as he slams the cup down. Hyunjin chuckles, the three of them shuffling closer to the coffee table that they were sitting at.

“Well noted.”

______

It’s an oddly comforting scene in front of Hyunjin.

It’s funny; growing up, Hyunjin was a people’s person. He remembers stomping through the back alleyways of the neighborhoods he grew up in as a toddler with a troop of his other elementary friends. He remembers the first time he and his friends were able to go out together in middle school, buying street food with the small allowance their parents had given them. He remembers the first time he had gone to karaoke with a few of his classmates, one of them being a girl he had liked at the time.

But those moments never really continued into the future, stopping prematurely the moment he graduated. There wasn’t really that transitionary period for Hyunjin that people get to go through; that weird stage in life where they mutate from a teenager into a young adult.

Because honestly, most of those wonderful and picture-perfect moments were lost the moment he signed the contract to pursue his dreams on the big screen. He sacrificed a crucial part of his youth to dabble in the luxuries of adulthood, and yet it’s like there’s some fragment of his soul that’s so hung up on the past because Hyunjin hasn’t gotten to feel those wonderful and warming moments that push him into the category of 'grown-up'. He’s an adult with the desires of a petulant child, seeking times where his more immature desires can become fulfilled. He wants those cookie-cutter moments, the ones that people can write coming of age films about, where you feel like you’re growing up but the responsibility hasn’t quite hit you yet.

But he didn’t get any of those.

Except now, underneath this dim fluorescent lighting, as laughter and cheerful yelling fill an empty room, Hyunjin realizes that those desires are getting filled. There’s something so wonderfully cliche about this atmosphere, how warm and fuzzy the air around him feels, how the conversation thrown around the table is completely meaningless yet important at the same time. He likes the raw and visceral way he’s viewing the scene around him, how his chest bubbles comfortably at how content he feels. Sure, maybe this moment is happening too late in his life, but that might be what makes it feel so special for people like him.

He finds himself staring at Seungmin more and more as the night goes on. His voice starts to get high and nasally once he’s three shots in, and listening to him argue with Chan over the best Harry Potter house for longer than necessary is too hilarious for any of them to handle in their drunken states.

There’s more than just his voice though. There’s the reddening of his cheeks again, and this time the color stays, painting his face in rosy hues. His mouth permanently stretches into a wide smile, and he follows the familiar way his eyes disappear, hiding behind little crescent moons. It’s like when Seungmin first came over earlier, except this time Hyunjin is fully willing to let himself become enamored by the other. He’s not drunk yet, but he’s feeling that trademark sloppiness and confidence begin to seep into his veins.

The feeling in his stomach shifts from bubbly to soft popping like little balloons bursting inside of him when Seungmin doubles over from laughter after one of Chan's remarks, his head falling carelessly to Hyunjin’s shoulder. The younger’s quiet giggling is profoundly loud in his ear, and for a second a vignette settles around Hyunjin’s vision as his eyes widen. He’s hyper-aware of how close the younger boy is to him, how he can feel locks of fluffy hair tickle the side of his jaw, and how wonderfully his leg tightens as Seungmin places a hand on his thigh to balance himself.

A few minutes later, Chan sighes, opening his phone and frowning.

“I should probably go, my company just texted me. I’ve got another vocal evaluation tomorrow… and they'll gut me if I skip out on one.” Chan grumbled.

“Hyuuung~ it’s not that late, you can stay for a bit longer, can’t you?” Hyunjin whines, resting his chin on his arms. The older reaches across the table to ruffle his hair.

“Vocal evaluation? At a company? Like an entertainment label?” Seungmin pipes up suddenly.

Oh.

Hyunjin and CHan immediately sit up straighter than before, and suddenly Hyunjin feels much soberer. Seungmin’s probably way more gone than the other two, his words slurring slightly at an irregular tempo. Unfortunately, it seems as though he was still thinking coherently enough (or he was just smart enough) to catch onto what Chan was saying. The eldest clears his throat awkwardly and looks down. Hyunjin does the same, suddenly interested in the stray piece of rice cake that nobody had bothered eating.

This was bad. Hyunjin had already complained to Chan excessively before about not wanting Seungmin to know about his career, and it was almost as if there was an unspoken agreement between them when Chan had walked into Hyunjin’s new apartment to not say a thing about what they did for a living. You know, to avoid all the weird dialogue and embarrassed explaining that they'd inevitably have to commit to.

And yet here they were.

“Uh- well, that’s not…” Chan sputters, looking around frantically before sighing in defeat. “Yeah… yeah. I’ve got an evaluation tomorrow at the entertainment label I’m signed to.”

“Damn, that’s cool. How long have you been there?” Seungmin asks smoothly. The older looks up in surprise, staring confusedly between him and Hyunjin, who looks equally perplexed at how nonchalant Seungmin is acting.

“Not...long, maybe almost a half a year or so, I think?” Chan replies cautiously. Seungmin hums, grabbing the piece of cake Hyunjin was looking at and putting it in the bowl in front of them.

“Nice, well then if you’ve been with them for that long then I’m sure they won’t mind you turning up late to one meeting. That’s assuming you show up on time normally, but you don’t seem like someone who would be tardy.” He muses, chewing thoughtfully. “Actually, I take it back. You seem like the person who’d be late but then scolds the people who come after you.”

“Hold up, Seungmin,” Chan interjects. “So, you don’t mind that I’m a trainee and all that? You’re reacting to this remarkably calmly.” Seungmin blinks at them blankly.

“Should I… be reacting a certain way?” He asks confusedly.

“Oh god no!” Hyunjin laughs. “It’s just that most people tend to respond more, I guess, more intensely?”

“Ohh. I mean... I guess I get that.”

“Especially after they find out he ghosted on a debut” Hyunjin adds mischievously. Oh boy, the booze is starting to mess with him. Chan gasps dramatically, flicking him harshly against the forehead.

“Yikes, that sounds rough, how’d that happen?” Seungmin asks. Chan rolls his eyes, throwing his arms up in the air in frusturation.

“Ugh, I don’t even know, I had a whole meltdown just thinking about it last week.” He drawls, downing another shot carelessly.

And so Hyunjin guesses that Chan decides to stay just a little bit longer, the three of them discussing the eldest departure from his old idol career, with no tenseness or uncomfort. The atmosphere reverts back to its originally laid back and warm disposition, except Hyunjin can’t enjoy it anymore. His mind is completely consumed by thought and possibility. He knows that Seungmin is logical enough to not be an asshole and turn into a completely different person once he’s around someone with some fame to their name, but it gets him thinking as well. Maybe he wouldn’t mind if he knew Hyunjin was an actor?

He stifles the thought quickly, unwilling to even think about the risk. He can’t guarantee anything at this point, and just the possibility of Seungmin looking at him differently makes his stomach sink. For now, he’s come to terms with the fact that he’ll have to keep hiding his job until Seungmin inevitably finds out, which is why he’s ended up communicating all of his work anecdotes through bizarre and vague metaphors. It still makes him feel bad from time to time, that he can’t be completely honest with Seungmin for every waking moment, but it’ll have to do for now.

______

Chan left a few hours later, claiming that he’d be completely fine going home alone.

“Buddy, I’m good to go. I live like two blocks down, it’s not far.” Chan said dismissively, his words slurring ever so slightly.

The older couldn't have been more wrong, seeing as he lives nearly halfway across the city.

But also, they're all not very conscious, which should technically be more of a reason to not let the poor guy go all alone, but it isn't exactly like they're thinking very coherently right now.

And so with that information, as he watches the older male waddle out of the door after congratulating him one last time, he thinks that he can turn his worries instead to a bigger problem that’s currently half passed out on his shoulder.

He has a hard time keeping a straight face and resisting the urge to either laugh or coo as he watches the way Seungmin grumbles drowsily in his odd state of sleep-but-not-really-sleep. He’s completely drunk, and if Hyunjin were any more sober than he is right now, he’d slap himself for not believing the younger when he said he couldn’t hold his alcohol.

Seungmin whimpers slightly when Hyunjin tries to stand up, an arm suddenly snaking timidly around his as if he’s reorienting himself. Hyunjin stops, staring wide-eyed at the boy before slowly sitting back down again, placing a reassuring hand on Seungmin’s. A sudden fondness for the boy overcomes him, and the little noise of content that he lets out makes Hyunjin’s breathing feel warm and funny.

It’s cute.

It feels as though an invisible hand slaps him in the back of the head the moment he thinks that, and Hyunjin has to scold himself and tell himself to worry about more important things instead of thinking some boy was cute, like getting this adorably drunk guy home.

Wait, what?

Hyunjin clears his throat awkwardly, carefully shaking Seungmin’s shoulder. He mumbles to quietly.

“You’re pretty tipsy, huh? How are we gonna get you home?” Hyunjin asks. While he didn’t know where Seungmin lived, unlike Chan, he knew that it took the other a while to get to his place.

Seungmin sat up, his mouth pouted and eyes squinted, as though deep in thought.

“I’ll take the… bus home. If I can remember the bus route…” Seungmin slurred, standing up before immediately plopping back down on the couch with his head on Hyunjin’s chest. The older laughed, gently guiding his head back to his shoulder.

“I don’t trust you out on the streets on your own. Let me buy you a taxi?” Hyunjin offered. Seungmin shook his head lazily.

“Mm mm, no money.”

“No money?”

“No money.”

That was weird. Seungmin offered to pay him back for the chicken, didn’t he? Couldn’t he pay him for a taxi ride?

Not that he was expecting Seungmin to pay him back, but it was weird to think about nonetheless.

After a few more minutes of meaningless bickering where Hyunjin tried to insist as Seungmin replied with attempts at coherent speech, the older proposed a different solution, one that was definitely far more questionable.

“Do you… wanna stay the night?”

Seungmin stiffened.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to though!” Hyunjin clarified quickly. “I just thought that since you aren’t in the best condition to go home, it might be safer if you just left tomorrow.”

The younger stayed silent, slowly raising his head to look at him. His eyes are slightly glossy, and Hyunjin unconsciously narrows in on the way his lips part slightly. Their faces were close, close enough to be considered intimate, and Hyunjin couldn’t stop himself from gulping nervously.

“Would you… would you be okay with that?” Seungmin asks quietly.

“I’d be more than happy to have a sleepover with you.” Hyunjin replies, both jokingly and sweetly. Seungmin doubles over giggling, his head falling into the older’s lap, and the older lets him, squishing the brown haired boys' chubby cheeks playfully.

It doesn’t even matter if Hyunjin was drunk or not anymore. If he was any smarter, he would have known that this was dangerous territory; would have known that friends, more importantly, new friends, didn’t act like this. They didn’t talk or laugh or touch like this. This feels different. His insides and the air around him feels like it’s made of sunset colors, matching the dimmed lights that are saturating the walls around them, and there’s this underlying feeling of both excitement and anxiety that follows his train of thought.

But in the moment, as he’s cradling the head of a boy that’s looking back at him with all of that warmth, he’s too happy to care.

_____

“Let go, Seungmin - ah~”

Hyunjin laughs as Seungmin stubbornly clutches the rolled up sleeve of Hyunjin’s hoodie. The two are lying comfortably on a large blanket that Hyunjin had rolled out on the floor after realizing that he didn’t have a bed yet and that his couch was too small to sleep on.

“Nooo~ don’t leave me, coward.”

“I smell like absolute dogshit, Min. Let me take a shower so I can keep my dignity.”

“You lost your dignity the first time I met you, stupid.” Seungmin drawled drunkenly. Hyunjin snorted. Despite the alcohol content of his blood, the younger still kept his sharp tongue.

“Asshole. I’ll be back in five minutes, don’t worry.”

“I don't trust you.”

“Seungmin-”

The younger suddenly tugs at his sleeve, and Hyunjin falls back to the mattress with the other boy wrapped around his arm again.

“Please don’t go.”

He’s taken aback by how shy and timid Seungmin's voice is this time, his eyes covered by his fluffy bangs as though he can’t bring himself to look Hyunjin in the eye. There’s an uncharacteristic ring of uncertainty to his voice, like how it had sounded when they had talked a few days back in the alleyway outside of the convenience store. It forces Hyunjin to stop trying to get up, instead settling back down on their makeshift mattress. He pulls another blanket over them, letting his arm act as a pillow for the younger’s head as he rubs feathery patterns down his back. Seungmin sighs, the sound almost nonexistent, and he moves himself as close as he can to Hyunjin without touching him. He smiles, and Hyunjin can’t stop himself from doing the same.

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s three in the morning, and yet despite how tired he feels, he has a feeling he won’t be able to fall asleep tonight, the sound of his heart beating deafeningly loud in his ear. He instead focuses on the sound of the soft and rhythmical breathing coming from the boy sleeping contentedly beside him, and eventually the world goes dark.

______

Hyunjin wakes up for the first time the next morning once the light from the balcony window hits his face. His thoughts are messy and incoherent, his brain not fully awake yet. The only thing he registers is the sound of breathing and something fuzzy tickling the underside of his chin. In his sleepy state, he can only think that it feels nice. He chases the feeling, nuzzling his head into what feels like a mop of hair and wrapping himself tighter around the bundle of warmth he’s holding onto before falling asleep again.

_____

The second time Hyunjin wakes up is near noon, partly because he can’t stand the taste of his own breath anymore and also because he feels like he might get skin cancer if he lets himself bask in pure, unadulterated sunlight for another second. He hesitates before sitting up though, snuggling closer to whatever he’s hugging so tightly before remembering that Seungmin stayed over.

He doesn’t think anything of it at first. Hell, if anything he presses his chest even closer to the younger’s back, not really registering or caring for how strangely close the position is before his brain takes a one-eighty. He jumps back in surprise, slapping a hand over his mouth to stop himself from shouting when the younger boy is still sleeping.

He can feel his body heat up as blood marches stubbornly to his face; how violently the fire climbs over his skin. What the fuck, how stupid was he? Embarrassedly, he gently places the blanket back over Seungmin, too humiliated with himself to even look at him before making a break for the washroom. After grabbing a towel and a bottle of shampoo, he starts stripping his clothes as fast as he can. The shower handle is turned to the coldest possible temperature, and Hyunjin prays that the chilling water can wash away the memories of last night.

There are flashes of images and sounds and touches that start conveniently playing for him in his head like a broken record. Hyunjin drags a hand frustratedly over his face. He remembers how close Seungmin had been the entire night, how many times their skin had brushed together. The younger’s smile was burned into his brain, and when Hyunjin closed his eyes he felt as though he could still remember Seungmin’s soft breathing against his neck and how pleasant the even and chillingly calming sound had been to him.

He didn’t even drink that much last night, so why did he do all of that?!

Defeatedly, Hyunjin presses his forehead against the shower door, trying to focus on the cold water running down his skin.

The worst part is that he’s sober now too.

And when he’s thinking straight, he can’t ignore the fireworks in his chest.

_______

Hyunjin finally steps out of the washroom, surprised by the mild tinkling sound that’s coming from the kitchen. He half-expected Seungmin to still be asleep by the time he was finished, so he’s surprised to see the younger male instead rummaging through the nearly empty cabinets. He looks up when he hears Hyunjin walk in, sending him a pleasant smile.

“I’d say good morning, but it’s nearly one in the afternoon. Did you have chicken related diarrhea issues?”

“I know damn well that you could hear me in the shower from here.” Hyunjin scoffed in mock offence. Seungmin laughed, turning his attention back to the cupboards. The older tilts his head, hopping onto the kitchen island. “Watcha doin’?”

“Paying back my debt, apparently. I, your honor, am planning on making breakfast. I’m not the greatest cook, but I’ll manage. Think of it as how I’m making up for the meal from last night. I’ll pay you back also, so think of this as, like, down payment or something. I’m currently looking for the salt. Do you have salt? Seriously, where is the salt? I've been looking for the past half an hour and I’ve just been standing here tragically with my eggs but no _fucking salt_.” Seungmin complains.

“Ooh, a scavenger hunt, fun. Let me help. Actually, let me help with breakfast too, I want to be useful.” Hyunjin says excitedly. Seungmin looks back up, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

“Uh, really? I mean, the whole point of this is so I can repay you. Also, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you don’t seem like the safest guy to have in the kitchen. For starters, I'm not the exactly the greatest person to be cooking either.” He asks cautiously. Hyunjin lets out an indignant noise.

“I’m hurt. My feelings can never be reforged. My wounds will be forever open, seasoned with the salt that you can’t fin-”

“Oh my god, please shut up. Fine, you can help, just do what I tell you and hopefully we won’t end up with a fire on our hands.”

“Nice. Let’s find that salt.” Hyunjin grins triumphantly. Seungmin rolls his eyes, but thankfully a smile stretches across his face as well. He finds what they were looking for a few minutes later (“Who the hell puts salt in the lower cabinet?” “Chan apparently. You’ve got a weird taste for friends.” “Case in point, Seungminnie.” “Touche.”) and Seungmin approves for them to start cooking.

______

So this was a horrible idea.

“Okay, I’m gonna beat the eggs. We don’t have butter, so can you just add oil instead?”

“To the pan?”

“No, onto the couch.”

“We’re cooking these on the couch?”

“Yes, the pan, Hyunjin.” Seungmin sighs, pitching the bridge of his nose.

“Ah yes, sarcasm. I just pretended to not hear it.”

“Whatever- oh- oh- oh wow. That’s uh, That’s a lot of oil.”

“Don’t scrambled eggs need a lot of oil?”

“Well I mean it’s not like we’re deep frying them. Anyways, I found some old scallions in the fridge, so might as well use them. I chopped them up already, so add them when I tell you to. And also, take out some of the oil-”

“I already added them?” Hyunjin says, mild panic spilling into his voice. Seungmin makes a small noise of surprise over his shoulder.

“Huh. Guess we’re having overcooked scallions.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I mean… I’d assume so? Unless you like the idea of eating charcoal.”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine. I guess that means we can’t take out any more of the oil, huh?” Seungmin observes. “Anyways, just… add the eggs in. And DON’T TOUCH IT. Just leave it alone. I’ll come back to do the actual scrambling but I gotta wash my hands first.”

“It’s cool that I put the heat on high, right? Cause it’ll cook faster?”

“Wait, wha-”

“Alright, eggs are going in!”

“Hyunjin, wait!”

______

There’s quite literally a small fire starting in the kitchen. Broken eggshells, burnt leftover chunks of something he can’t quite discern, and something that mildly resembles carrots are strewn in every part of the room visible to the eye.

These past few days have just been a compilation of bad decisions, huh?

“That was both the shortest and longest five minutes of my life.” Seungmin mutters dazedly. Hyunjin gulps and nods in agreement, the two of them staring at the mess in front of them.

For starters, a mini oil volcano erupted the moment Hyunjin poured the eggs in, resulting in a solid thirty seconds of panicked yelling from both him and Seungmin as they pathetically waved their arms around to try to stop their abomination from burning them. It isn’t until Seungmin finally demonstrates some basic intellect and turns the heat down do things calm for a second (Hyunjin is able to be of invaluable aid by laughing at the egg carton the younger boy is using as a makeshift shield). The panic reignites a few seconds later when Seungmin announces anxiously that the eggs are starting to burn. Stirring, frantic pacing, chopping, and ordering-around fills the kitchen as Hyunjin does some weird terrified dance from behind the younger boy as a form of support, and there’s an awkward pause when Hyunjin catches Seungmin after slipping on a puddle of stray egg whites on the floor.

Which leads them to their current predicament.

“Is that… even edible?” Hyunjin asks unconvincingly, pointing at the charred clump of whatever is on the plates that Seungmin is holding.

“Well, only one way to find out. Bon Appetit. Happy moving, you oversized brat.” He replies flatly. Sweeping away a few of the empty take out boxes on the coffee table from last night, he places the plates down unceremoniously. Hyunjin laughs, thanking him for the meal.

Surprisingly, the food actually isn’t that bad, and neither of them have to fake enjoying it too much. Seungmin is back to smiling shyly with relief when Hyunjin tells him that, really, he wasn’t just being nice when he says Seungmin isn’t the worst cook despite how badly everything is burned.

So yeah, in what was still an unpredictable turn of events, maybe this wasn’t the worst outcome to come to?

_______

He’s not sure if there’s some kind of unspoken agreement or something, but for some reason ever since that day, Seungmin starts coming over frequently.

It starts with the next time Hyunjin goes over to Chan's place again after a long shoot, only to find Seungmin is there as well. They take a midnight detour to grab something from a music store that Chan insists he needs before migrating to Hyunjin’s place.

The younger boy stays over again once the eldest leaves. There isn’t a reason this time; they aren’t drunk and Seungmin is more than capable of going home by himself. Hyunjin rolls out the blanket without really thinking, patting the ground beside him invitingly.

The next time it happens, Hyunjin is back to visiting Seungmin at the convenience store again. The younger boy lets him chill inside until he’s let off for the day. It’s interesting watching Seungmin work, not because the work itself is inherently interesting (being a convenience store cashier isn’t exactly the most vigorating job), but the boy’s behaviour itself is interesting to watch, to say the least.

Everything is handled with nonchalant precision. There’s always a textbook stuffed behind the cash register far enough so that the security camera can’t see it but close enough for Seungmin to turn the pages. His attention is completely diverted to the book whenever the camera is looking away, and it leaves Hyunjin awestruck seeing how efficiently Seungmin can study in such an inconvenient environment (get it? It’s funny because they’re in a CONVENIENCE store. Hyunjin thinks it is, and hopefully Seungmin found it funny too because he’s pretty sure that the younger boy lost a few brain cells after seeing Seungmin roll his eyes at his comment).

And well… everything just kind of… happened from there.

It’s almost like it's an unspoken agreement to make this a part of their schedules now: Hyunjin walks into the store on Fridays when the night starts to border on Saturday. Seungmin grabs them something to eat or drink, and they just kind of shimmy over to Hyunjin’s apartment. It doesn't seem to matter to them that the walk there is a solid half an hour at a normal walking speed. Hell, sometimes they’ll walk slower just to savour how silent the air feels at this time of the day, when their voices are even crisper in evening air and when nobody is around to judge them when they do childish things despite their age, like balancing on curbsides, sitting on monkey bars, or when Hyunjin gives Seungmin a piggy back ride after they choose to get alcohol.

Sometimes Seungmin stays over, sometimes he doesn’t. It’s always kind of a gamble. If Hyunjin can distract him for long enough, the younger boy will say it’s too late to go back, to which Hyunjin can then offer for him to stay the night.

Whenever he does stay over though, Hyunjin still always rolls out the blanket on the ground for them to share. Normally, he sleeps on the couch (being an actor clearly is really glamorous, huh?), and he hasn’t really made any active effort to go out and buy an actual mattress. He tells himself that it’s just because he’s lazy, but he’s starting to realize that it’s probably more than that.

That being said, he can confidently say that having Seungmin over is a good thing. He stays over so often BECAUSE they always lose track of time, and Hyunjin doesn’t have to try hard to keep him there. There’s this kind of ebb and flow whenever they’re around each other, where they shift from rapid talking to just soaking up each other’s presence. It’s nice having Seungmin over because honestly, excluding revealing career details, there’s nothing holding Hyunjin back when it comes to talking to him.

The boy carries with him an aura of reliability and warmth, and it makes Hyunjin’s worries dissolve the moment he sees Seungmin every single time. You don’t really run into character’s like Seungmin on the big screen, or even in real life. It’s just… comfortable to be around the guy. It’s like he takes life way too seriously but simultaneously thinks the entire human race is just some big prank that God is playing on Satan or something.

They talk about meaningless things most of the time, and somehow the combination of Seungmin’s university level intellect paired with Hyunjin’s child level curiosity and idealism makes for some very interesting conversational combinations.

("I'm just SAYING, if the world functioned the same way as Animal Crossing, world conflict just wouldn't EXIST!"

"Okay that's fair, but people aren't computer programs designed to be pacifist and one-dimensional anthropomorphic ANIMALS."

"Whatever, I still stand by Isabelle 2020."

"Oh hell no! Tom Nook would totally run the world better!")

Sometimes it gets personal, but somehow they can make massive topics seem tiny because at the very least Hyunjin knows that Seungmin would never judge him.

He calls it a gamble though, because in all honesty he likes having Seungmin over for other reasons too; reasons he knows exist but doesn’t understand.

He doesn’t understand why he likes it so much whenever Seungmin smells so much like him when he steps out of the shower, smelling like his shampoo and his clothes.

He doesn’t understand why he likes the way that sounds so much.

He doesn’t understand why he finds himself staring so intently at the way Seungmin’s hair bounces so gleefully like a cotton ball with each step he takes. It’s one of Hyunjin’s favorite features of Seungmin: his fluffy ass hair. It’s fun to play with, and the immense joy that fills him when Seungmin lets him touch it is kind of ridiculous and embarrassing.

He doesn’t understand why he likes making eye contact with Seungmin so much, nor does he understand why he gets so bashful after the younger boy catches him counting the stars in his eyes.

He doesn’t understand why Seungmin’s voice does so much to soothe him. It sounds airy but textured at the same time, always soft and therapeutic in a way that makes Hyunjin drowsy. The entirety of the boy’s existence makes him feel drowsy, to be honest. He finds an extension of comfort in Seungmin. He’s a steady and calming fixture in a hectic lifestyle, and Hyunjin finds himself looking forward to Fridays more and more each and every week.

He doesn’t understand it, but he likes it.

______

There’s one incident though where Seungmin comes far past midnight.

When Hyunjin stops by the convenience store, there’s nobody inside. The lights are on, but the store is empty and the doors refuse to slide open when Hyunjin tries to walk in. He sits on one of the tables outside for a few minutes, wondering if Seungmin was just in the back, but nobody comes out. He shrugs, ignoring the disappointment he feels, and walks back home himself.

When he closes the door behind him, he feels strange. The apartment suddenly feels much emptier than it normally does and much larger than it looks. It’s weird not having Seungmin there with him.

He thinks back to the empty store, and worry starts to build in the back of his throat. He sends Seungmin a text that he hopes is shorter than it looks, asking if he was alright and why he wasn’t at work. He drowns his worries by taking some introverted time to himself before trying to fall asleep.

He gets a reply two days later, just before the week starts. Hyunjin starts to worry if Seungmin might’ve found out his secret and if he’s avoiding him on purpose. There isn’t much he can do about it, and he’s certainly not going to ask the younger boy and risk exposing himself.

He’s got a facemask on to prepare for a photoshoot tomorrow when his phone rings over the sound of whatever Hyunjin has on the TV. He sits up abruptly when he sees the message.

Seungmin’s text looks pathetically small in comparison to the movie script of a message that Hyunjin sends him. It doesn’t answer any of the questions he asked, instead asking a question of his own.

**[Seungminnie~: Would you mind if I came over right now?]**

Hyunjin checks the time. It’s only an hour after midnight. One in the morning is one of those weird times that doesn’t feel too late but probably isn’t the best time to have people over.

Hyunjin doesn’t hesitate though. He texts back a reply and gets rid of the face mask.

He tries to focus on the TV, but his eyes unwillingly keep flitting back to the digital clock beside it, counting the minutes until Seungmin finally arrives.

_____

Another wave of concern washes over Hyunjin when he opens the door.

Something looks off about him tonight. His head is hung low, bangs covering his eyes. Hyunjin can’t tell if Seungmin’s shoulders are slumped just from fatigue or if he’s feeling down. His lips are pressed into a thin line, and if he looks close enough he can swear that his chin is quivering slightly. He’s playing with the sleeves of his hoodie, a habit that Hyunjin notices whenever the younger boy is stressed, and the only part of Seungmin’s body that moves when Hyunjin opens the door are his eyes as he looks up to meet the older’s gaze. He waves awkwardly, shifting his weight from side to side.

“Hi? Can I come in?” He asks quietly. Hyunjin blinks, confused and a little bit fearful for why Seungmin is acting so politely, before smiling as sweetly as he can and ushering him inside.

Hyunjin closes the door behind him. Seungmin hasn’t even bothered to take off his shoes, standing terrifyingly still as he stares at the ground. Hyunjin tilts his curiously.

“Seungmin? Is… there something wrong?” He asks worryingly.

There’s a brief moment where Seungmin hesitates, and Hyunjin can’t help but wonder if this is how he dies, murdered in his own home.

He’s evidently surprised when the younger boy instead takes a few cautious steps forward before shyly wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s chest, his face buried in the taller’s shoulder as if he’s too embarrassed to look at him. Hyunjin stands awkwardly still for a second, shocked and unsure what to do before his concern overshadows his indecisiveness. Gently, he returns the gesture, one of his hands softly carding through Seungmin’s hair before moving the younger’s head to a more comfortable position. Seungmin shivers every time his fingers touch him, and it helps both of them relax knowing that some of his nerves are being released.

“Seungminnie? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Hyunjin tries to move back a bit to see the younger's face, but Seungmin stays firmly planted against him. He panics when Seungmin sniffles quietly into the cloth of Hyunjin’s hoodie.

“I’m alright, I’m alright.” He whispers hurriedly between shaky breaths.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Hyunjin asks, carefully pushing the younger’s head back into his shoulder. He stays silent.

“...I’m sorry.”

“Hey hey, it’s all good. You don’t need to say anything right now if you don’t want to.” He replies. Hyunjin’s heart breaks a little when Seungmin looks up at him, tears building in his eyes but refusing to fall.

“Thank you…. I really mean it.”

The unsteadiness in his smile hurts so much, and Hyunjin wishes he could find a way to make it disappear. He grins in return, trying to calm Seungmin from whatever he’s shaking from.

“Do you wanna take a shower? You might feel better. I’ll make you something to eat as well.” He offers. Seungmin contemplates for a second.

“I’d… like that.”

“Okay, you can borrow some of my clothes again, yeah?” Hyunjin smiles. He gasps when Seungmin unconsciously tightens his grip, his face pressed against the taller’s neck again.

“You’re too kind to me, Hyunjinnie.”

_______

He’s playing the waiting game again. Hyunjin tries to focus on his phone, the few plates of food he has laid out on the table in front of him, or anything he can to get his mind off of his worry for Seungmin. He fails miserably, his eyes always finding their way back to the digital clock to count down the minutes before the younger boy finally leaves the washroom.

There’s a cloud of mist that wafts out of the open door when Seungmin finally steps out of the shower, the steam building up in the room after how long he had stayed in there. Hyunjin thinks back to when he first met Seungmin, and again, he wonders if he’s seeing an angel in his delirious and fatigued state. The younger boy is ethereal as he’s wrapped in tendrils of vapor, cloaking him in a veil of white. The sweater Hyunjin lent him is a bit too big on his thin frame, the sleeves bundling just above his fingers and the collar slipping farther down than Hyunjin remembers. He finds himself focusing on the exposed spot, captivated by the smooth golden skin on Seungmin’s collarbone before shaking his head to get rid of those kinds of thoughts.

Hyunjin pats to a spot beside him. He’s put out a small foldable table on the rolled out blanket, resisting the urge to eat everything he has out because god he’s feeling hungry. Seungmin sits down next to him, thanking him for the meal quietly before putting the smallest morsels of food into his mouth.

They eat in silence for a few minutes. Hyunjin understands Seungmin’s need for a quiet space. Seungmin drifts a lot of the time, both mentally and physically. He knows that he does it whenever he needs time to think; a moment to catch up on himself and to debrief everything that’s locked up in that head of his by dipping into momentary nothingness. It happens periodically, the younger closing his mouth suddenly here and there, sometimes on their way home together or before they close their eyes as they prepare for sleep. It was a bit sudden for Hyunjin originally, but he gets used to it over time. He uses the time to think as well, trying to figure out a way to bring up the elephant in the room. He debates cutting around the bush for a bit before deciding to just be straightforward.

“So are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

The question comes out harsher than he expects, and Seungmin winces a bit at the sudden break in silence. There’s a brief snippet of time where Hyunjin starts to panic as he tries to take back what he just said.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to though! I was just… I was just curious. I’m worried about you, Seungminnie. You weren’t at the store on Friday, and you scared me when you didn’t reply to me for two days. I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need someone to listen.” Hyunjin follows quickly, unwillingly blurting out all of his sincere thoughts. Seungmin relaxes, shaking his head.

“It’s okay. Um, I’m sorry if I stressed you out.” He murmurs, shuffling slightly on the other side of him. Hyunjin makes a noise of disagreement, quickly moving the table to make space for them to lie down. He pulls on Seungmin’s sleeve a bit as his back hits the blanket, and their fingers brush together slightly as they both look up at the ceiling. “And uh… thanks for being here for me.”

“My pleasure. And don’t worry about me, I was worrying over nothing. You’re alive, which is what matters most. Anyways, what’s up?” Hyunjin asks. Seungmin chuckles amusedly.

“Actually, I went to the hospital on Friday.” He replies nonchalantly, smiling to himself when the older turns his head abruptly to look at him, his eyes wide.

“Wait what?! Are you hurt?”

“It wasn’t because I was injured or anything.” Seungmin clarifies. “I was visiting a relative.”

“Oh…” Hyunjin relaxes, turning his gaze back upwards. “That sucks. I’m sorry, Min. Did something happen to them? Are they okay?”

“Now they are.” Seungmin scoffs lightly. “They had...an emergency. I had to run out of the store before my shift ended. That’s why I wasn’t at the store on Friday when you came.”

The younger boy turns until his back is facing Hyunjin, hiding his body against the couch as if he doesn’t want the older boy to hear him talk, hear him struggle. There’s so much exhaustion and pain in Seungmin’s voice, each word weary and distressed. He wants to hold Seungmin again, whisper to him that things would be okay because he’d be there to act as a protective shield against the world.

“It’s been a weird week for me. I didn’t get a chance to sleep for the first few days because I had a bunch of things to do at night, and when I finally did get to go to bed I just couldn’t close my eyes. I might get laid off from one of my other jobs cause business isn’t going that great, and I ran out on the job that I still do have at the convenience store, except I might not even get to keep it anymore. I didn’t even get to study for the test I had the next day because of the hospital. I think I fucking bombed it.” Seungmin rambles, sighing defeatedly afterwards.

“It’s just… it’s just a lot.”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything for a bit. He tries to think of something helpful, something smart to say to the younger boy before sighing as well, gently coaxing Seungmin to turn back over to look at him.

“Can I hug you again?” Seungmin’s eyes twist upwards amusingly.

“I thought you were comforting me.”

“I know, I just… I just think it’d be better for both of us.” He admits bashfully. Seungmin giggles, complying nonetheless. Hyunjin lets out a long breath of relief when he can finally wrap his arms securely around Seungmin’s waist again, his chin resting on the other’s head. He rubs calming patterns across the expanse of the younger boy's back for good measure, drawing feathery circles against the fabric of the sweater that he lent to him. He lets himself ramble for a while, not caring about stringing his words together intelligently. He’s not the greatest at communication, but hopefully at the very least the sincerity of his words will reassure Seungmin.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that so quickly. That was probably a lot to process in such a short amount of time, and I feel like an asshole for making you feel bad about me just because I was a bit stressed.” Hyunjin murmurs, gently stroking his hair. “It’s probably been a busy week, huh? Balancing school, taking care of relatives, and two jobs, one of which I didn’t even know you had.” Seungmin giggles against his neck. The air tickles his skin, sending shivers throughout his body in the best way possible.

“Heh, yeah, I’ve got a small handful of odd-jobs. Just never thought to mention them.” Seungmin whispers back. Hyunjin chuckles, pulling back and looking down fondly.

“You’re so fucking strong, being able to act like nothing happened so quickly. I get jealous of you sometimes, you know? I can only wish that I was as emotionally stable as you.”

The younger blushes, burying his head against Hyunjin again. They smile simultaneously, Hyunjin feeling the upturn of Seungmin’s lips.

“I know it gets hard sometimes though.” Hyunjin says softly. “I can’t say for sure, but sometimes… sometimes it feels like there’s stuff that you hold back from me. I hate it.”

He hates it, Hyunjin realizes as he lets himself talk. He hates that Seungmin still feels like he has to be on guard whenever he’s around the older; hates how the brown haired boy hides little pieces of him away from those around him without realizing that the person who’s holding him so closely would be willing to expose everything about himself without holding back. He wants to be that person for Seungmin, the one who puts up no barriers and makes him feel as though he can let down the castle walls of his being as well.

And he has to ask himself: what does that mean for him? What does Seungmin mean to him?

“I get it if there are things that you don’t wanna tell me, and I really appreciate that you could finally do it tonight. I just want it to stay that way. I don’t want you to hold back.” Hyunjin’s voice is barely a whisper, Seungmin unmoving in his embrace. “I just… no matter what, I just want you to feel safe, to know that I’ll be here for you, even if you don’t want to say anything.”

Seungmin stays silent for a second, and Hyunjin worries briefly if he’s said too much; if he’s broken another boundary he wasn’t supposed to cross. He worries if he was too upfront, surprised at how genuine he was. He’s relieved when the boy he’s holding looks up again, his eyes still glassy but his smile more confident and peaceful than it was before.

“You’re too kind to me, Hyunjinnie.” He mumbles again.

They fall asleep in that position, holding each other. It’s the first time they close their eyes while choosing to stay so close to each other, and it forces Hyunjin to keep his eyes open. He’s too aware of his surroundings suddenly, enamoured by the features of the boy that he’s familiarized himself with after watching them for so long. He looks down, unable to stop the sad and regretful smile that grows across his face when he looks at a sleeping Seungmin.

 _“No, you’re too kind to me.”_ Hyunjin thinks to himself.

Because Seungmin really is too kind for him. He’s patient and warm and caring and funny and receptive and everything that someone would want in a friend. But more importantly, he thinks that he’s more honest than Hyunjin is.

Because Hyunjin is a liar. He wants to tell himself that he can be open with Seungmin because he wants the younger to open up to him as well, but how can he when Hyunjin isn’t even willing to tell him full truths most of the time, avoiding topics about careers and the future at all cost? He knows that it’ll hurt Seungmin, maybe even make him angry if he sees Hyunjin on the big screen instead of hearing about it from him first, but maybe Hyunjin just likes getting burnt because he keeps on playing so recklessly with fire.

It’s a wonder that Seungmin can even be honest with him in the first place. At the very least Hyunjin has seen the face that Seungmin wears when he drops the polite smiles, opting for the toothy and uncontrollable grins that stretch from ear to ear instead of stopping compliantly at his cheekbones.

It’s not until he finds himself suddenly thinking about the way Seungmin smiles does he have to stop himself again and wonder if there’s something wrong with him, if there’s something wrong with the way he constantly plays over the mental photographs of the younger boy that are treasured in his brain.

And when he pulls back a bit to look at Seungmin, at how unguarded and serene and soft he looks, smiling as he unconsciously brushes away the stray strands of hair that are falling against the younger boy’s eyes, he thinks to himself,

_“Fuck, you’re really pretty.”_

He freezes when that thought passes idly through his brain, the sudden flurry of thoughts rendering the noises inside of his head completely silent.

He finds himself blushing furiously at the thought. He’s never felt… like this towards a guy, at least not for the longest time. He’s pretty sure that he’s as straight as a ruler, so what the hell are all of these new emotions?

But then his eyes focus back on Seungmin, and it’s like it would be ridiculous to not feel this way towards someone like him. He can’t put the feeling into words, but all of a sudden it’s as if feeling this way towards the younger boy is the only feeling that makes sense in this odd moment in time where it truly feels like everything is frozen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gosh im so sorry this should have been split into like two chapters but i already set a four chapter limit and i didn't realize it was so long until i was reading it over IM CRYING THIS IS SO FUNNY BUT LIKE ITS NOT
> 
> Anyways, sorry if that was overly long, I will take this as a learning experience. Also, did you know Chelyabinsk is the site of one of the largest meteoroid strikes on Earth? i think, idk that's what wikipedia said.


	3. City Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t even process the hand that slips easily around his waist or the sudden warmth that fills in the cold space beside him on the couch. He barely thinks about how equally as easily he nuzzles up against Hyunjin. The alcohol in the bloodstream and the atmosphere that he’s feeding off of in this moment lets him ignore the temporary stiffness of Hyunjin’s figure, how the older’s eyes widen suddenly when Seungmin shifts in his embrace to look up at him with glassy and happy eyes.
> 
> But before he knows it, Hyunjin’s eyes curve upwards as well, and Seungmin feels at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> So... I haven't really learned my lesson huh.
> 
> That's okay, basically this entire thing except for the last chapter was prewritten anyways, so who cares if it's long, right?
> 
> Jk i apologize so much istg i didn't mean for this fic to be such a large commitment to read. To the few people who read this consistently, YOU GUYS ARE BRAVE TROOPERS and I love you for that.
> 
> Anyways, to the few who have stuck around, thank you so much! I hope this hasn't been too painful of a read so far.

“And… cut!”

Hyunjin and the lead actress sigh a breath of relief, the two of them flopping with comedic synchronization against the expensive white leather couch that they’re sitting on. They’re filming the last scene for the day, and they need to get it done quickly before the sun starts to rise, the smallest bits of auburn already poking out from the horizon. The scene where the female lead confesses to him is supposed to take place at night, where, by technical terms, the atmosphere is 'immaculate'. The director claims that they can edit out of bits of daylight coming into the frame, but they need to wrap up quickly before the sun fully rises.

“That’s the twenty-third time we’ve had to go through this scene, why isn’t this guy satisfied yet? Most other directors just call it a day after the fifth one and just pick the best cut!” The girl beside him, Sooyoung, groans.

She’s pretty, as expected for a production that’s going to be marketed to insatiable high school audiences, but in the boring and predictable kind of way.

Nothing against her, of course. Hyunjin would swoon over her like any guy (or girl, however you swing. After recent… events, Hyunjin has been more open to the idea), but after doing the exact same kind of scenes for nearly two years now, he’s lost interest in the people he works with. Still though, Sooyoung is interesting in an honest and comfortable way. She’s funny, quick-witted, and says insightful things without sounding cookie-cutter, making her an enjoyable fixture in a normally bleak and uninteresting work environment. Again, not really his type, but still!

Obviously, the difference this time is that while, yes, he’s had to pretend to stare deeply into some random female’s eyes for an uncomfortably long period of time many, many times before, this is the first time he’s playing such a specific character: an attractive, young, and somehow financially flourishing professor (ah yes, the unrealistic desire of every student). He doubts the plausibility of his character quite a bit seeing as nobody at that age has finished their education while being _that_ rich, but the role is fun and outlandish enough for him to not care about how ridiculous he probably comes off as on screen.

Even this role is getting tiring though, and as the sun starts to rise to officially mark the seventh time that he’s had to stay on set for two consecutive days, he can confidently say that he is tired, moody, and hating his job (not actually of course. Again, he’s very moody).

Overwhelming relief floods the bodies of everyone on set when the director gives them the greenlight to go home. The staff practically sprint to get everything off of his face because everybody just wants to leave, and in all honesty, Hyunjin can’t even bring himself to blame them.

______

He finds himself strolling around the more solemn streets of Seoul on this misty Saturday morning instead of going home and sleeping. He’s pretty sure he wouldn't be able to anyways.

He’s tired, that’s for sure, but he isn’t sleepy. Work exhausted him, but the alarmingly high concentration of caffeine swimming gleefully in his bloodstream is chasing off any trace of fatigue in his body. He tries to take a nap on the way home in his manager’s car, but it just doesn’t work.

So when he’s dropped off in front of his apartment building, he makes a sudden decision to just start walking in the direction of the rising sun. There isn’t much reasoning behind it, other than he’s already got a mask on and honestly, the lonely city air from the outside world probably feels a lot less empty than the air at home. He’s not necessarily the most extroverted person, but he’s been craving human interaction for the past few weeks. Chan is overseas, his friends at the company are preparing for their debut, and Seungmin has buckled down on studying (so he’s either swimming in textbooks right now or dead). It’s been a solitary month, and at this point he’d be willing to make small talk with a cashier instead of having to talk to the same people on set again.

There’s a very specific cashier that he has in mind, but he doesn’t think too much of it.

Except it seems like he’s sorely underestimated how much he thinks of this specific cashier, because he finds himself meandering to the convenience store anyways. He knows Seungmin won’t be there. It’s the morning of a weekend after all, which is definitely not the younger boys shift.

After what he convinces himself to be a very pleasant conversation with some random person in Seungmin’s place, he wanders around for a bit until he runs back into the bar that he frequented too many times in the past.

A box of old memories is opened, and Hyunjin smiles to himself as he stares at the store sign he could barely remember. It’s ironic, he thinks, that the night he met Seungmin here, it’s as if the boy decided to use himself to replace this part of his schedule. Instead of getting drunk on Friday nights, he walks to the convenience store and gets drunk off the presence of a brown haired boy that he’s familiarized himself with after so much time. It’s like they knew all along that Seungmin would be the hangover soup to what could have been a freakishly bad drinking problem for Hyunjin had he never met the younger boy.

It’s fitting.

He finds himself waiting at the nearby bus stop, planning on riding to wherever the vehicle takes him. It’s an adventurous kind of day, and Hyunjin wants to make sure he has no idea where the final destination is.

When the bus finally does arrive and he steps on, his heart skips a beat, and it’s like the cold air around him doesn’t feel so chilly for a split second.

A familiar figure is sitting at the back of the bus, his head resting against the frosted window. He’s frowning at something in his lap, and Hyunjin has to stop himself from bounding over as he tries to sit as nonchalantly as possible beside the younger boy to surprise him.

Seungmin jumps in surprise when the older settles easily beside him, a mischievous look on Hyunjin’s face. His confused face turns bright in a matter of seconds, and Hyunjin almost feels like he’s being blinded. He doesn’t mind though, it’s too adorable to look away. If this is how he goes blind, so be it.

“Fancy meeting you here, Hyunjinnie.” He chuckles. Hyunjin feels fuzzy at the nickname. He smiles back, thoughtlessly resting his head against the other’s shoulder.

“Whatcha' doin~” Hyunjin hums lightly. Seungmin points obviously to the textbook in front of him.

“What do you think? This thing is practically connected to my body at this point. Also, I feel like I should be the one asking you that. What are you doing? I’ve never seen you on a bus before.” He questions.

“Just felt like it.” Hyunjin replies lazily. “Also because I don’t have much to do today, so I planned on just exploring the parts of the city I don’t know well enough.”

Seungmin hums, grinning as he rests his head on top of Hyunjin’s. He can't stop the relieved sigh he lets out, content and happy to see the younger boy again after so long (it wasn’t actually that long, but if it wasn't already clear, Hyunjin had a habit of over exaggerating things).

“Oh, by the way,” He pipes up suddenly. Seungmin looks over, his eyes bright and attentive despite just how deep the circles around his eyes have become.

 _“I should do something about that.”_ Hyunjin thinks to himself, planning on dragging the brown haired boy home after... whatever they were going to do now, assuming that Seungmin would let him tag along.

“You’ve been MIA for the past few weeks.” He continues. “What's been keeping you busy?”

Seungmin smiles, and begins to fill him in.

And it was strange to him.

Hyunjin was an actor after all. Whether he memorized lines or played it up on the spot, there was always something for him to say as long as there was a pretty lady beside him or a camera pointed at him.

Because the story he orchestrated was meant to go one way and one way only: He was the love interest, the one with the hair that looked good no matter the way it was styled, the CEO, or the one in the soft trench coat that looked as if it was made for cuddling.

And yet here he was: the pining idiot, head over heels, not knowing how to respond yet completely content with listening to the person sitting beside him rattle on and on in a voice that was raw from the cold yet so beautiful to hear on a day like this. The soft milkiness of Seungmin’s voice could put him to sleep like a childhood lullaby, and he only now realizes just how much attention he gives to the little details of him. The younger boy is in a sweater that he had probably worn the day before, a coffee stain badly hidden on the front pocket.

And he was beautiful.

It was strange to him.

But it was exhilarating at the same time.

______

It’s not until nearly an hour into the bus ride does Hyunjin notice Seungmin starting to tense up a bit.

He notices it at the beginning actually, when Seungmin realizes that Hyunjin probably wouldn’t be leaving him soon. They talk normally for the most part, catching up on meaningless things for as long as they could, until the younger falls eerily silent near the end of the line. Hyunjin’s gets quieter too, feeling the tension and nervousness that begins to radiate off of the younger boy. He doesn’t know why, and he desperately wants Seungmin to feel normal again. He just doesn’t know how.

“So… where are you going?” Hyunjin asks awkwardly. Seungmin sighs beside him, closing his textbook and placing it back into his backpack.

“You’re not gonna leave anytime soon are you?” Seungmin asks back. Hyunjin deflates slightly.

“Should I get off…?” He mumbles, the disappointment in his voice badly hidden. The younger boy's eyes widen, raising his hands in panic.

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. Don’t worry, it’s not you. I’m just not sure if I want you to see this.” Seungmin replies. Hyunjin blinks curiously.

“Are YOU committing a crime this time? Let me guess, you’re going to the outskirts of town to get rid of some evidence. Is it a body? Did you cut it up? Did you burn it?!” Hyunjin exclaims, trying to defuse the tension. It seems to work, the severe expression on Seungmin’s face loosening for a second as they both dissolve into giggles.

“I seriously think we have a problem. We should schedule a psych evaluation, just to make sure we don’t accidentally rob a bank cause’ we’re just so villainous.”

“You say that like you don’t already know that you’re the physical manifestation of evil.”

“True. If I was to murder someone, you’d be the first on my kill list.”

“Aw, Seungminnie, I’m flattered.” He cooes. Seungmin rolls his eyes, turning to the window beside him. There’s numerous cars that pass by, but his eyes stare straight ahead.

“Anyways, I’m visiting my relatives at the hospital. It’s a bi-weekly kind of thing, just checking up on them and stuff.” He mutters.

“Oh. That doesn’t sound as bad as you make it out to be.” Hyunjin muses.

He suddenly gets a memory of Seungmin ghosting him for two days when the younger had visited said relatives, and he starts to doubt himself. Seungmin seems to be thinking the same thing.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He replies quietly.

His voice sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself.

_____

“Morning, Noona.”

Hyunjin stays stationary near the door of the room, watching both cautiously and curiously after Seungmin, who has his arms gently wrapped gently around a dark eyed girl. She stays still for a second, blinking away the traces of sleep before registering the boy holding her.

“Minnie… ah, it’s really you this time.”

“Mhm.”

“You should have come faster.”

“Sorry, ran into someone I know.” Seungmin replies sheepishly, sitting on the bed beside her. The girl doesn’t let go of his sleeve, clutching the cloth tightly between two fingers.

All of a sudden, she snaps her head towards the doorway, glaring at Hyunjin. She groans, squinting her eyes.

“Not now… it shouldn’t be happening right now. Go away.” She mutters bitterly. Hyunjin jumps in his spot, gulping nervously at the sudden and aggressive comment. Seungmin quickly sends him an apologetic look before reaching forward to cup the girl’s jaw gently with both hands.

“It’s okay, he’s real; I can see him too. You know that nothing happens when I’m here.” He reminds softly, smiling as sweetly as he can as he tries to keep the girl’s gaze on him. She lets out a small sound of relief, but nothing else. Her eyes are trained on Seungmin, not even bothering to acknowledge the person staring awkwardly back at them.

“Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin says, finally gesturing for him to join them. “This is Hyewon. She’s my older sister. Noona, this is Hyunjin. He’s... a friend.” Hyewon narrows her eyes at both of them. He temporarily forgets his manner, staring at her stiffly before straightening and returning an equally stiff bow.

“A friend. You haven’t made a new friend in a long time, Seungmin.” She notes, her voice flat and unreadable. The younger boy pouts slightly.

“You know I don’t have time for that kind of thing.” He grumbles.

She smiles for the first time Hyunjin had walked into the room, reaching over to pinch Seungmin’s cheek.

“Because you already don’t have time for me.” She teases. The boy sitting beside her whines, saying that he visited her last week too before playfully shoving her hands away.

Though there’s something to the way she says it, a bit of sourness laced into a playfully mocking tone that confuses Hyunjin.

______

“Your sister seems nice.” Hyunjin says quietly. Seungmin hums as a half-assed reply. He gets the memo, staying silent as they walk out of the building.

It’s not until they’re in the elevator does he realize that the building they’re in is a psychiatric hospital rather than a medical one like Hyunjin had expected. It doesn’t have the unsaturated color palette that most do; there’s no medical equipment in sight, and none of the people he does see seem to have any physical injuries. There aren’t hospital beds all clumped together in one large room either. Instead, smaller units are located symmetrically along the walls of the hallways they walk down.

Hyewon’s room is unconventional as well. Everything in the room is soft, from the carpet to the covers that are placed over any sharp edges nearby. The walls have squares of padding over them, and the sheets on the bed are pulled ridiculously tight over the sides of the mattress, almost as if it’s to prevent someone from pulling them out.

“This probably wasn’t what you were envisioning, huh?” Seungmin chuckles, a bit nervously after a prolonged period of quiet tension. Hyunjin shakes his head frantically, but the other is already speaking.

“She had a schizophrenic episode last Friday. Got into a bit of an accident. It happens here and there, so I guess it wasn’t anything new. Kind of unexpected though, normally I have better foresight. It’s been a while since her last one- actually, we hit the one month mark two weeks ago, so I thought things might finally start calming down.” Seungmin sighs. “Wrong guess apparently...and now we’re back to square one.”

He pauses, looking up at Hyunjin meaningfully.

“That’s why I wasn’t at work last week, by the way.”

“Oh.”

There’s silence for a few seconds before Hyunjin turns completely to Seungmin.

“I um, I don’t think that there’s anything wrong or weird about this, if you’re wondering. You shouldn’t feel bad or ashamed that you’re taking care of someone who needs you.” Hyunjin stammers, angry at himself for how odd his words come out to be. “I mean, assuming she needs care. Not that I expect that she needs care- or well… ugh, I probably shouldn’t have anything.”

“No, no, hey it’s okay. I get what you’re trying to say” Seungmin giggles, placing a hand on his shoulder when Hyunjin hangs his head. He starts walking again when the elevator opens before speaking again.

“It’s funny, Noona is nothing to be ashamed of, so I shouldn’t feel bad about her at all. But… hearing you say that makes me feel...relieved in some weird way.”

They reach the exit of the hospital a few seconds later, the doors sliding open as they approach it. Seungmin stops though, turning to look at him. Hyunjin stops as well. He can feel the air from the outside world brush against his face. He doesn't quite know how he feels about the younger's reply. It's obscure and vague, like how Seungmin normally sounds when he's trying to explain something to him that he can't really go too in depth on. It's like there's so much more that the younger wants to tell him with his answer, but he hides it through cloudy wording and quiet tones.

“Does that make me a bad person?” Seungmin asks, his face unreadable. Hyunjin smiles, shaking his head.

In hindsight, he should have thought out the question more thoroughly, maybe stop and wonder if maybe Seungmin needed to hear something different.

In the moment though, he couldn’t stop himself from saying something he knew the younger boy wanted to hear, something to ease his nerves.

Seungmin looks back down again, walking outside with Hyunjin close behind him before they both feel something wet drop against their heads. The younger boy looks up, a small smile dancing on his lips despite how sad his eyes are.

“It’s raining again.”

“Huh. Didn’t notice.” Hyunjin muses. The two of them are looking at the sky, both of them covering their heads with an arm. The rain is light enough for them to not notice until they’re standing directly underneath it. “It’s not bad, we can make it to the bus stop without an umbrella.”

Almost immediately afterwards, the rain starts to fall harder.

Hyunjin yelps, taking his coat off and holding it above his head before rushing back to the overhang outside of the door. He half expects for Seungmin to be beside him, but there’s no one there when he looks back up.

The younger boy is still outside, the smile on his face even bigger than before. His eyes are closed now, as if he’s savouring the way the water drips down his skin. Hyunjin’s eyes follow the droplets unwillingly before he gets his senses back. It's like that night again- at the bus stop.

“What the hell are you doing?! You’re getting soaked again, get back in here!” He calls out. Seungmin smiles, craning his neck to look at him.

“See? The sky was so offended by you that they started crying harder.” He jokes, giggling childishly.

Seungmin ends up going home afterwards, leaving Hyunjin alone in his apartment. He chooses to go to sleep late anyways, despite how tired he feels. The younger boy’s face stays imprinted in his mind.

Everytime he closes his eyes, all he can see is a boy dancing in the rain.

______

“No, no, no! This isn’t it.”

Hyunjin presses his eyes closed, trying desperately to stop himself from sighing. He’s glad that the shooting crew is still setting everything up, but on the other hand he REALLY just wants to get this scene finished.

These scenes - the ones where the male lead brazenly pulls the female lead into an embrace - are normally ridiculously easy to film. The formula is simple and universal: Stare at each other for an uncomfortably long period of time, reach forward suddenly but not TOO suddenly so that the female lead doesn’t ACTUALLY trip forward l(which is like what they're TRYING to act out), hold her however you want because the camera is normally focused on your faces anyways, and end everything off with a nice pretty bow by saying something hEaRtFlUtTeRiNg before the episode ends.

But apparently, this formula isn’t as universal as he thought.

“You call this acting? Where’s the love? This scene FEELS like it’s fake! I can feel its plasticity through a screen. Hold each other like you LOVE each other. This is an IMPORTANT scene; the feelings conveyed in this shot are VITAL to the delivery of the show.” The director shrieks, clearly unaware of how violently everyone beside him keeps wincing.

And seriously, he respects the guy and all, but god help him, he really has no idea how to do this. Beside him, Sooyoung looks equally confused and agitated. Is there something weird about how they’re holding each other? They’ve had to practice it numerous times now with the insistence from the director, and they’re having a hard time understanding how act this out correctly.

Or at least however the hell the director wants this to be acted out.

Because at the end of the day, Hyunjin DOESN’T love her, and she doesn’t love him. It’s something most actors are trained to do; to act like there’s some kind of unflinching and undying affection between you and your other lead, but at this point the director is practically asking him to kneel and propose to her. He doesn’t really know what to do, outside of his facial expressions and what he’s planning on saying when they shoot the scene, because he doesn’t know how to express love with his entire fucking _body_ like the director is asking of him.

“This just doesn’t...feel genuine.” The old man sighs, gesturing vaguely in his and Sooyoung’s direction.

They all end up going home disappointed that night. He’s partly irritated by the crew, but mostly he’s a bit mad at himself as well, angry that he’s failing to do his job properly.

______

“Sleeeep, Seungminnieee~”

“Hyunjin, I have WORK tomorrow.”

Hyunjin whines when Seungmin tries to get up from the blanket laid out on the floor. He latches himself around the younger’s leg, refusing to let go as Seungmin falls to the ground.

“Why is it that everytime you want to stop me from going somewhere, you immediately force me to trip? Do you WANT me to get a concussion?” Seungmin seethes, flicking Hyunjin’s head lightly.

“If it means you’ll finally get some rest, then yes. Please knock yourself out. Literally.” He replies lightheartedly, pressing his face into the side of the other boy’s thigh. Seungmin suddenly stills, groaning loudly a second later.

“If you make me sleep now, I won’t be able to get up in the morning. You don’t even live anywhere close to where I work!”

“Okay firstly, you've literally never slept through an alarm, and secondly, it’s not even anywhere near evening yet, so you’re bound to wake up early tomorrow. Also, you told me you haven’t slept in three days, which I don’t even think is possible. Anyways, SLEEP please, you’re scaring the shit out of me. When do you even need to get to work?” Hyunjin asks. Seungmin pauses.

“A bit after twelve, I think?”

“See? You don’t even need to worry about getting up early. Why are you so opposed to sleeping with me?” Hyunjin pouts, letting Seungmin sit up.

“No reason!”

The two of them blink awkwardly at each other at the sudden reply, and there’s a second of silence before Seungmin clears his throat to speak again.

“No reason, I just want to make sure I get there on time. The commute is long… or... whatever.”

“Anyhow, you don’t have an excuse to leave me alone. Sleep, Minnie~ please? I’m tired too. You can leave first thing tomorrow, you don’t even have to stay for breakfast if you don’t want to!” Hyunjin pleads. A look of hesitance comes over Seungmin’s face, and Hyunjin isn’t sure what to make of it.

“I mean... it’s not like I don't _want_ to stay for breakfast.” The younger mumbles quietly, as though he doesn’t want the other to hear. Hyunjin does hear though, perking up and crawling over so that his face is close enough to Seungmin’s face to feel his breath against his skin.

“So you will stay?” He asks excitedly. Seungmin snorts.

“After what happened last time? Having a meal here should be considered a safety hazard. You set the toast on fire, Hyunjin. THE TOAST. We have a piece of very simple technology that does the job for you. How do you even start to set a piece of toast on fire?!” He exclaims exasperatedly. Hyunjin laughs, partly at Seungmin’s high, nasally voice, but also because he said “we.”

It’s as if he’s been staying over frequently and long enough to consider Hyunjin’s kitchen his own as well, and he kind of likes the sound of that. A lot.

Like when Seungmin used his shampoo and body wash that one time.

“Oh, you definitely should not trust me that much, I might accidentally kill someone if you do. I’ve set a salad on fire before, you know? It’s like the elemental gods have cursed me to ignite everything I touch, even if it's raw. Also, ten minutes seems like a very reasonable span of time to toast bread. And it’s not my fault bread is so flammable! It’s fluffy, like cotton, or your hair. Or your cheeks, it's all very fluffy and soft.” Hyunjin complains. Seungmin raises an eyebrow.

“Are you implying that my hair and my cheeks are flammable? Are you gonna try to set me on fire?” He asks skeptically. Hyunjin grins deviously, reaching for the younger’s head.

“That can be arranged.”

He yelps loudly when Seungmin flicks his forehead. Frowning, he wraps his arms around the younger’s shoulder, pulling him down with him. They fall into a natural bundle of limbs on the thin blanket beneath them, a puzzle of legs and arms and a head resting on a shoulder here. Neither of them can stay annoyed for too long at each other anyways.

“Is something up?” The younger asks suddenly, his voice gentle and concerned in a way that immediately soothes the tension that has built up in Hyunjin’s back. “You didn’t say anything during the walk back here, and when we do get back the first thing you want to do is sleep.”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“Hyunjin-”

“It’s nuffin.” Hyunjin mumbles, stuffing his face into a pillow. He feels Seungmin place a hand on his back, and his muscles tense slightly.

“You’re lying aren’t you, Hyunjinnie...?” The younger says softly, his voice small and pleading. Hyunjin is sure that Seungmin, at the very least, unconsciously knows how much of an effect that nickname has on him. Whenever Seungmin uses it, there’s nothing he can say no to without feeling guilty. It doesn’t help that Seungmin ends up looking like a kicked puppy whenever he DOES say no. He groans, flopping onto his back while trying to avoid eye contact with the other as he glares at the ceiling.

“I just… work has been tough.” Hyunjin edges hesitantly. “There’s this thing that everyone is expecting me to do and to do _well_ … but honestly, I don’t think anyone really understands just how hard it is. My… my boss just expects so much from me and my co-workers, it just feels so hopeless and I’m worried everyone will just start giving up... it’s frustrating.”

Seungmin stays silent for a second before joining him to stare at the ceiling. The younger speaks slowly and clumsily, unlike how calculated and even his voice normally is. It’s like there’s more weight behind his words, more things in his head that he'd like to say but he has to filter everything out instead.

“You… I... I don’t really have a big boy job yet, and I don’t really know what you do, but I get what you’re saying. It’s okay, you know, to feel like that. Sometimes people can expect both too much and too little of you, and you’re left in this weird limbo. It doesn’t feel good, because you never really know what to do to get out of that place- to find that place in your brain where you can finally be confident in yourself again because you’ve finally fulfilled what’s expected of you. It's a fucked up concoction of insecurity, self anticipation, and a heaping spoonful of wanting to be accepted by the people around you.” Seungmin murmurs. He turns over, and even from the corner of Hyunjin’s eye, he can see just how blinding the younger’s smile is.

“But...you know, Hwang Hyunjin is an interesting specimen of a human being. He’s a bit naive, maybe a little slow-witted here and there, but maybe that’s what makes him so much stronger than others. You never quit, Hyunjinnie, or at least you never know when to stop. You’re like a math problem, you just keep working at the solution until you finally get that golden number. You’ll get to that place eventually, maybe not soon, but if there’s anyone who finally succeeds in anything...it’ll be you, Jinnie.”

Hyunjin looks over to his side, trying to get a better view of Seungmin’s face. The younger’s smile is so easily seen now. He absentmindedly reaches forward, gently pinching Hyunjin’s cheek teasingly.

_“This just… doesn’t feel genuine.”_

The director's voice is clear as day in his head. The thing is that Hyunjin is pretty sure Seungmin can see just how quickly the red builds on his face, like it’s always done before. He’s pretty sure that the heat that’s coming off of his body can be felt even when the younger boy isn’t touching him.

But maybe this is what 'genuine' feels like. Maybe it doesn’t need some sappy and overly rosy language to hide how bad you are at holding someone like you mean it. Maybe it doesn’t need a declaration of affection and a kiss at the end to seal everything in like some overly formal agreement for love.

Because if the blush on his face isn’t genuine, then Hyunjin doesn’t know what else is.

_____

It’s dark when Hyunjin wakes up again. The electric clock on the other side of the room reads one in the morning, but he feels as though he’s barely slept at all. The room is silent except for the sound of even breathing. It’s too steady, like the beating of a practiced drummer.

“I know you’re awake, Seungminnie.”

“Shut up, you’re one to talk.”

“Go to sleep, I can practically hear you thinking.” Hyunjin chuckles, turning onto his side to get a better look at the other boy. Seungmin’s half lidded eyes stare blankly at the ceiling, his lips open slightly as though he’s in a daze.

“I’m trying. I could solve world hunger with the amount of sheep I’ve counted. The non-meat eaters are doomed, but carnivores like you should be fine.” He replies, his joking tone failing to hide the frustrated undertones of his voice. “Nothing’s working.”

Hyunjin smiles, propping himself up on his elbow. Reaching out and feeling around blindly for a few seconds, he gently closes Seungmin’s eyes when he finds the younger’s face.

“That’s hardly helping.”

“Minnie, this is literally how sleeping works. I doubt you’ll fall asleep with your eyes open.”

“No way, why didn’t I think of that?” Seungmin drawls sarcastically. Hyunjin laughs softly, careful not to disturb the quiet ambience of the room.

“Want me to cuddle you again?” Hyunjin quips. Seungmin stiffens beside him.

He says it half jokingly but also half REALLY seriously.

It’s become kind of a habit at this point, whenever Seungmin decides to stay over, for Hyunjin to teasingly offer to cuddle the younger boy whenever he tries to stay up for a bit longer to avoid his insomnia. The offer is almost always followed by a snarky remark or a playful shove in the opposite direction. During the night at the very least, Seungmin is oddly sensitive to touch, and unless he’s drunk or on special occasions, he almost always turns down Hyunjin’s proposal for snuggles.

Today should be no different from most other days, or at least that’s what Hyunjin thinks in his drowsy state. So he’s evidently left surprised when he feels something soft and a bit smaller than him suddenly tuck themselves comfortably against him, a head resting hesitantly on his shoulder.

“Oh-”

“You offered. Don’t say anything to make me regret this.” Seungmin grumbles shyly. Hyunjin grins, and he’s pretty sure the younger feels the way his lips upturn against the side of his head.

“Would you let go even if I did?”

Seungmin’s begrudgingly silent response is more than enough of an answer for him.

The grin on Hyunjin’s face grows wider, and while he’s sure that the younger boy can feel the way his body heats up, he’s grateful that, at the very least, the darkness hides the way his cheeks start to pink again. Hyunjin isn’t willing to risk Seungmin turning to the other side of the mattress if he teases him, so he just gently strokes his hair instead, hoping that the familiar gesture will help the boy finally dip into sleep. It seems to work, with the way Seungmin’s breathing starts to feel a bit less forced.

“Is this a common thing, Minnie? Is it hard to sleep a lot of the time?” Hyunjin asks, feeling his eyelids get heavy. The younger boy pauses to think for a second.

“Sometimes I’m lucky,” Seungmin murmurs drowsily. “And I fall asleep quickly. It’s never enough anyways just ‘cause I’m used to sleeping in short intervals. Saturdays are the worst though. Too much to remember.”

It’s as if the sleep had gotten to his head, because Seungmin shuts up suddenly, like he said something he should have filtered first. Hyunjin’s eyes flutter open slowly, his curiosity kindled.

“Saturdays? Why saturdays?”

But he’s only met with silence and the sound of soft snoring. Hyunjin knows better than to believe Seungmin, it’s always easy to tell when the younger boy is pretending to sleep, but he knows even better than to try to get an answer out of him, for Seungmin will always find a way to avoid the question.

______

Hyunjin ends up leaving the set feeling far more satisfied than he did the previous shooting. That last scene between him and Sooyoung was finally approved by the director, saying that the feelings between the leads were finally becoming more apparent and that Hyunjin did an incredible job conveying the sincere feelings of his character. Seems like things were looking up for the last episode.

He told himself that it must have been a miracle that he finally got through that awkward scene. Secretly though, he knew he got some practice from somewhere else, but he sure as hell wasn’t about to admit that.

_____

“I got another letter from Mom today.”

Seungmin chuckles from the chair across from his sister, not even bothering to raise his head from his phone.

“Another paper one? Seems like she still doesn’t know how to use a computer.”

“This one isn’t even original, it’s almost the exact same as the one from last year. At least give me something interesting to read, woman.” Hyewon snorts, haphazardly throwing the letter on the bedside table beside her.

“I’m sure she cares, you know.” Seungmin muses. “The letters aren’t the best demonstration of that, but… I don’t know, I’m sure some part of her thinks of us.”

In all honestly, he knows this probably isn’t the case. Hyewon is really the only one out of the two of them that gets contacted by their parents, and even then most of the time it just feels like some kind of obligation to check up on her condition rather than because, as parents, they're concerned for her health. If they actually did care enough, they would have visited, maybe even moved back to Seoul because both of their children aren’t living with them anymore, but instead all he and Hyewon gets are cookie cutter words of condolences, and every single time they’re left disappointed.

Actually, it’s more like only he’s left disappointed. Hyewon is the older sibling, but it seems like she never cares that their parents don’t care about them enough to at the very least write them a genuine letter. Knowing that Seungmin will be there to care for her is more than enough to comfort her.

But once in a while, Seungmin kind of wishes that they would write something with more thought put into it. He kind of wishes that they would maybe visit once in a while so he could feel like the child that’s being taken care of rather than the caretaker for a few seconds.

An alarm from his phone interrupts his train of thought, and he gets up in preparation. He doesn’t even walk towards the door, knowing that any indication that he’s planning on leaving will tip off Hyewon, so he walks towards her instead.

But even that doesn’t work, and suddenly she’s alert, sitting straight up with furrowed brows, her eyes wide like a deer caught by headlights.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“I have the night shift today, so I’ll get going now. I’ll call someone in to keep you company.” Seungmin says as gently as he can, pressing a quick peck against her forward. It doesn’t help. Hyewon reaches forward to grab his hands, a familiar expression of panic spilling over her face.

“You can’t leave, you can’t make me stay here alone.” She edges, her voice even and cautious despite how scared she looks. It’s the “big sister” voice that Hyewon uses every time she wants Seungmin to do something for her, to let him know that he should listen to her because well, she’s older.

“I’ll be back next week, Hyewonnie. Don’t be so worried.”

“Worried? You have the audacity to tell me to not be worried?! He keeps knocking on my door, my windows, my bedsheets! He mocks me, he scares me in my sleep and keeps telling me to look him in the eye when I’m underneath the blankets just to fucking disappear when I finally come out. He keeps saying sweet things in one ear but gross things in the other and he never fucking shuts up _and he was HERE last week_. He only leaves me alone when you’re here, so you can’t leave me! If you care about me, you CAN’T LEAVE. You’re not allowed to.” Hyewon cries, the unrest finally spilling into her voice as she clutches onto Seungmin’s hands.

He remembers the week she’s talking about, when he had to close the convenience store early to run to the hospital. He found his sister held to the bed by three nurses with one trying desperately to calm her down to no avail.

The screams were bloodcurdling.

She said she had seen that man walk into her room when she woke up from a nightmare. It was the worst breakdown she’d had in a year, and for the first time in a while Seungmin didn’t feel as desensitized to her tears as he normally was.

“He’ll never be able to find you here, and he'll never be able to hurt you anymore. He’s locked away now, and even then he’d have to cross an ocean to get here. You’re safe now, everyone here is protecting you, okay?” Seungmin replies calmly, repeating the same words from last time again. It’s hypocritical that he makes fun of his parents for sending the same letters over and over again while here he is, repeating the same sentiments time and time again to pointlessly try to calm Hyewon down.

“What, did you find someone or something more important than me now? How could you do this to me? How could you be so greedy?”

He sits still and tries to smile as Hyewon switches from belittling him to begging him; from saying he’s selfish for leaving her like this to saying that she won’t survive if he isn’t there. He’s heard it all before, the same words ringing in his head over and over again. It still numbs him all the same anyways, even after a nurse comes in to take his place, giving him the opportunity to slip away.

It’s always funny when Seungmin thinks back to this familiar building. Everything in here feels like a broken record, where everyone keeps repeating the same paper letters, excuses, reassurances, and loathing over and over again, always on rainy Saturdays like these.

_“What, did you find someone or something more important than me now?”_

He supposes that this new pain he’s feeling in his chest is a nice change of pace though.

_____

It’s nearing midnight, and Seungmin’s trying to balance a mountain of whipped cream on a flimsy and overbaked carton of brownies.

This combination of events and food isn’t a random coincidence; it’s actually a choice that makes a lot of sense. Felix finally got a job (actually more accurately, Seungmin finally convinced the manager at the bakery to hire some extra manpower after Felix had begged him), and he wanted to do something nice for the big occasion.

It’s nearing midnight, and while the brownies aren’t anywhere near as good as his friend's (seriously, Seungmin frequently has to ask himself how he was able to get this position before the (slightly) older Australian boy), they’re edible nonetheless. The whipping cream is fine as well, but seeing as he’s literally piling a MOUNTAIN of whipped cream onto the brownies in preparation for the voracious appetite Felix has, he thinks he’s also wildly miscalculated how firm the whipped cream has to be beaten.

It’s nearing midnight, and after focusing so hard on the task of making pasteries for Felix, Seungmin thinks that he should probably spare his sanity and call it a day. It’s for the best to just go home alone, seeing as Felix just might not show up today. The guy isn’t exactly known for being punctual, so it wouldn’t be some rare scientific phenomenon for Felix to just end up ditching. Unexpected, but nothing exciting.

Except conveniently, a few seconds later, a blonde haired boy tumbles through the glass door, nearly avoiding falling face first while screaming at the top of his lungs in surprise. Seungmin rolls his eyes.

“What a fitting entrance.” Seungmin deadpans, setting his hands on the counter. Felix grins sheepishly, skipping over to him before reaching his hands across to squish the younger boy’s face.

“You should be glad that I’m gracing you with my ethereal presence. Thank me, goddamnit.”

Suddenly, he vaults the counter, carelessly throwing an arm around Seungmin’s shoulder before nuzzling his head against the other’s. He doesn’t even seem bothered by the way Seungmin teeters in place, trying to keep his balance. Normally, he’d push Felix away playfully, but recently he’s been letting the older be touchy with him. It’s probably just a Felix thing, being so touch-averse, but he doesn’t really mind it as much as he used to. He never actually really minded it that much, but maybe he’s just letting it happen more often because Hyunjin is rubbing off on him.

“You’re going to be working here starting next week and the first thing you do as an employee is jump over the counter like a delinquent. I should fire you, you know, as your senior or whatever.” He teases, elbowing Felix with his free hand. The whipped cream falls over again, but the feigned scream of pain that the other lets out is gratifying and worth the sacrifice.

“I’m literally older than you, don’t humor yourself cause you’re not funny.” Felix grumbles, latching onto his side again before his face lights up at the sight of the baked pastries. “What’s this? Are you kidding me, Minnie? Why didn’t you lead with the brownies?!”

“Congratulations on getting a job in this economy,” Seungmin grins. “No but seriously, good job, we might finally know what it feels like not to be broke!”

“What a time to be alive!”

“Actually no, please knock me out and never let me wake up.”

“That’s actually really concerning and makes me want to find you a therapist.”

“But we don’t have money!”

“Hurrah!”

_______

The two walk home together to their shared one bedroom apartment, arms linked as they meander comfortably and slowly down a familiar path that they could walk with their eyes closed. Felix has his eyes closed with a spoon in his mouth, mindlessly ravaging the brownies that Seungmin had made. The whipped cream isn’t really a mountain anymore, it’s become a weird white soup that just sinks into the pastry. It doesn’t taste like the worst thing in the world, but it could be better.

“Did you whip it in a cold bowl? That helps.”

“Nope, tried it last time. It made the cream taste like metal shavings.”

“Dude, I think you just need to wash the bowl better. Tell your dishwasher to do a better job.”

“Hey! I’m the one who washes the dishes!”

“Okay then, Kim Seungmin, you’re a shitty dishwasher, do it better and you won’t end up with messes like this.” Felix drawls. Seungmin glares and snatches the box away from him.

“Fine, gimme this. No brownies for you.”

There’s a momentary game of tug of war, and Seungmin has to stop and question why, out of the billions of people in the world, that Felix ended up being his roommate.

Like, he loves him and all, but putting up with this bullshit every single day is exhausting (To which Felix will say “You love me though” with a shit eating grin and unfortunately, Seungmin is morally and contractually obliged to agree).

“By the way, I’ve been doing some scouting per your request-” Felix starts. The younger groans, throwing his head back frustratedly.

“Felix, for the last time, please stop trying to set me up. I don’t want and I don't _need_ to bone anyone.” Seungmin grumbles. Felix lets out an indignant noise beside him.

“I hardly find that believable. Everybody needs a little lovin’ here and there, Mr. Almighty Kim Seungmin included. I’m doing you a favour, so just listen in, okay?” Felix says, pulling out his phone. Seungmin doesn’t reply, knowing that whatever he says won’t stop him.

Felix has been playing matchmaker for the past three years, ever since the two went to university and moved in together after Seungmin came back to Seoul. It’s like some horrifying yet monumental discovery was made when Seungmin first told Felix that dating was as foreign of a science to him as calculus was to a poet. To Seungmin, it wasn’t really much out of the ordinary; he kind of assumed that love would just happen one day and it wouldn’t really be a big deal. He's never understood the over dramatization of it or the entire markets and industries that have been built around this obscure idea of affection, and honestly, he probably wouldn’t even be mad if love never happened. But to Felix, the self proclaimed prolific crusher/romantic, this was the most heinous crime he had ever heard.

And thus, Felix took on the cupid role, making friends with as many people on his campus in an attempt to set them up with him. It’s a pretty normal occurrence in their day to day life: in the morning over their burnt eggs, Felix will swipe through his phone and test which girls are to Seungmin’s liking.

Once in a while he’ll swipe by a guy.

Once in a while he’ll swipe by a _really_ cute guy.

And like every other single time, he’ll say no.

But sometimes it’s hard to stop himself from blushing while he turns them down.

He’s pretty sure that Felix will catch on and notice that he has a… specific type. Felix has a "specific type" too, so he’s sure he won’t be surprised when he does find out, but for now Seungmin is fine with playing the guessing game.

Felix scrolls for a while, flipping over multiple females before the phone stops on a boy. He’s got longer, light brown hair that falls lightly in front of his eyes, with an intimidating gaze and a sharp jawline. Actually, he can’t even really see the guy’s eyes because in the photo he’s too busy staring at Felix.

“Oop, not this one. He’s off limits.”

“Wait, go back.”

“Oh god, please don’t tell me of all the people you could find, you choose this one?” Felix groans.

“I don’t, just an FYI, but why not hi-” Seungmin asks as the gears in his head immediately start turning in his head. He gets an answer before he can finish his sentence. “Oh. Ohhhh. Wait, really? I thought you liked tall guys. This guy- no offence obviously, but this guy looks like an oompa loompa .”

“Asshole. That’s just cause you haven’t seen his arms yet.” Felix grins dopily, laughing as Seungmin makes fake gagging sounds.

“Okay seriously though, how much longer until you finally find someone?” Felix whines eventually after scrolling through his camera roll for what feels like hours. Seungmin stays silent as he fiddles with the door to their apartment. He darts to his side of the room, jumping face first onto his mattress before letting out a satisfied sigh.

Unfortunately, Felix doesn’t seem to get the memo and follows him, shuffling up beside him while holding his phone above them.

In all honesty, there might, just maybe, be a specific tall, black haired, dramatic, and moon-eyed someone who he would somewhat consider going on a date with.

Just one.

And only somewhat.

He forces that thought out of his head as quick as possible, shoving it deep into some reclusive part of his subconscious. He doesn’t want it to stay for too long, worried that if he keeps replaying the thoughts, the memories, and the feelings, he might get too attached to it.

So he locks it away, only so that maybe he can take a peek at it as a guilty pleasure some other day.

But the pressure in his chest somehow feels good, and the increasing rhythm of his pounding chest isn't the worst sensation either.

Felix seems to catch on as well from the red that’s marching onto the parts of Seungmin’s face that aren’t squished into a pillow. He smiles triumphantly at the photo on his phone screen.

“Ah, seems like I’ve finally found the one.” Felix announces, thinking that the reason for Seungmin's blush is the person that he's finally found. Seungmin sits up abruptly.

There’s a guy staring back at him. From the photo at least, he looks tall. Like, really tall. Felix practically has to point his phone downwards to get him in the shot. And honestly, he’s really good looking too. He’s got this soft curve to his mouth that gives him a mischievous look, but his eyes are warm and kind. If anything, Seungmin kind of feels out of his league.

Scratch that, he REALLY feels out of his league.

Besides that though, he wasn’t even blushing because of the guy on Felix’s phone. Except now, apparently he’s meeting up with the guy next Saturday to grab a lunch, or something. Felix is far more persistant than he thought (or just straight up annoying. He quite literally wouldn't let go of Seungmin until the younger finally agreed).

Just his luck, huh?

_____

Seungmin waves to the tall male as he rides away in a taxi, struggling to keep a fake smile on his lips.

So that was a catastrophic disaster.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. The date didn’t go horribly, but even then Seungmin doesn’t really know if he could have called that a date. In all honesty, from the moment he woke up this morning, he had a bad feeling stirring in his gut.

He couldn’t stop worrying the moment he got to the address Felix had sent him after he stopped by the hospital to visit his sister. Guy’s were always a gamble, since there was always a ridiculously high chance that they weren’t also into guys, so Seungmin had no idea how Felix had convinced this stranger to meet up with him.

It isn't until later, when he actually finds and meets this Rowoon guy, does he realize that this wasn’t really set up to be a date; Felix miraculously found out that Rowoon had the same major as Seungmin. Unlike the latter, however, he wasn’t exactly thriving.

This wasn’t a date, it was a study session; a disguised method that Felix had planned out for Seungmin to test the waters and see how he liked the guy and, miraculously, if the guy liked him too.

(“Oh for fucks sake, would you calm down?” Felix whines, slumping against the bathroom door that Seungmin had locked himself in. “He’s intimidatingly hot, but he’s a nice guy. And also you’re a catch too! Kind of. Well, you’re not like the big boy prize at a carnival, you're more of a pity prize that the vendor gives if you stay at the game for too long, but still a prize, you know?”

“That’s NOT helping right now.” Seungmin replies angrily, his voice muffled. Felix rolls his eyes.

“I’m kidding, dumbass. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like you, Minnie. I mean it, and not in the dumb romcom way.”)

It should've been a great idea, and Seungmin almost considered giving Felix a pat on the back and a few good words for praise for thinking of such a clever way to spend time with someone who he'd probably never have an excuse to talk to normally. Except after realizing that Rowoon is the posterboy for “all brawn and no brain,” Seungmin ends up sticking with the study session route anyways, opting to not turn everything into a date. It’s easier for him this way; it’s simpler for him to recall and explain complex political theories than to try and come up with clever jokes or replies to the mundane things that Rowoon talks about. It also probably doesn't help that Seungmin's pretty disadvantaged when it comes to basically any kind of conversation, seeing as he's a socially incompetent mess of a human being.

To be fair, Seungmin guesses that most first encounters are a bit awkward and overly polite, but after hearing the other guy talk for a few hours, he gets the impression that Rowoon’s face makes up for his cardboard-like personality.

“Sooo, how’d it go?” Felix asks over the phone after he's gotten onto the bus. Seungmin can practically hear the way he’s smiling.

“Exceedingly averagely. Sorry Lix, but he’s a no go. I just helped him finish up a project and then left.” He replies nonchalantly. Felix lets out an exasperated noise on the other end of the line.

“Oh come on! This is the first successful match up I’ve done for you, and you’re just gonna turn him down like that?!” The older groans. Seungmin chuckles.

“Sorry, he just… we just didn’t really connect well. He’s not really my type. It felt like talking to a wall half the time.”

“I’m sorry but how can his face not be your type?! His face is universally likeable. Also, awkward dialogue is part of any relationship process, how could you not know that?!” Seungmin has to pull his head slightly away from the phone with the way Felix is shrieking. He’s glad there’s no one else on the bus right now, he’d probably hang up out of sheer embarrassment if there was.

Awkward dialogue wasn’t something that happened when he first met Hyunjin, Seungmin thinks to himself before burying the thought as fast as he could.

Does that mean he wants to go on a date with Hyunjin? Does that mean he thinks a date with Hyunjin would have gone a lot better?

In moments like these, he kind of really freaking hates his brain. Actually, he kind of always does, but especially right now.

Particularly, he hates his brain because there's a small part of him that agrees with it.

“We just wouldn’t look good together.” Seungmin says half-heartedly after a few seconds of silence to think, barely paying attention to the conversation anymore.

“The hell does that mean?”

“I mean, if he saw the way I looked normally? Thankfully I cleaned myself up for today, but I can’t do this everyday.” He muses, looking at his reflection in the bus window. He doesn’t look as ruffled and mangy as he normally does, he thinks dryly to himself. His hair is styled and looks cleaner than usual, and he doesn’t look like as much of a toddler as he normally does when he just lets his hair do whatever it chooses. He’s finally dressed in something other than a hoodie or sweater, and the small smidge of eyeliner that he borrowed from Felix makes him look a bit sharper and brighter. He kind of likes it, this cleaner and more put-together version of Kim Seungmin that doesn’t really get to see the light of day that often.

He ends the conversation as quickly as he can, hopping off the bus to start his evening shift at the convenience store. He’s eager to put the afternoon behind him, ready to think about anything other than Rowoon, the mock date, or other pretty people that can actually make his cheeks pink without even being there.

____

Hyunjin won’t really look at him when they walk back to his apartment together after a particularly tiresome shift at the convenience store. He stutters whenever Seungmin tries to talk to him and refuses to meet his eyes. It’s weird, because Hyunjin doesn’t really seem like he’s mad at him, but he keeps turning red when Seungmin tries to get a better look at the older’s face.

“Are you… wearing eyeliner?” Hyunjin asks casually as they’re eating once they finally return to his apartment. The nonchalance in his voice is artificial and badly maintained, his voice cracking slightly near the end. Seungmin raises an eyebrow.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I borrowed some of Felix’s. I did my hair too, or at least I tried to style it into anything that didn’t resemble a bowl. Just had a thing today, and I wanted to look good.” He replies. Hyunjin hums.

“Looks good.”

“Does it? You sound pretty uncertain.” Seungmin jokes.

“No really! You look you really- I mean, you… yeah, you look really good.” Hyunjin blurts awkwardly, his words tumbling over each other. His eyes look guilty, almost embarrassed as they both stop to stare at each other. His gaze is different than normal; softer, shyer, maybe more honest or vulnerable than the standard mischievousness that Hyunjin normally flaunts. It’s like there’s something that he’s desperately trying to get Seungmin to understand just by looking at him.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the night, staying silent as they pretend to focus on whatever is playing on the TV in front of them. It’s suffocating, just because it feels like the only thing he’s consciously aware of is the older boy beside him, who tries (and fails miserably) to sneak glances at Seungmin when he thinks the younger isn’t looking.

If he jokingly thought Hyunjin was going to murder him before, he SERIOUSLY was considering it now.

He’s worried that Hyunjin might actually be mad, annoyed, or something at him, except none of it makes sense because it just doesn’t add up with everything Hyunjin said to him before and with the way he’s looking at him now. Maybe he IS mad at him and is just too nice to say anything offensive to him.

It’s illogical in his head. He knows Hyunjin has no reason to be mad at him right now, but for some reason his brain is just feeling extra anxious today and is throwing itself into an abyss of self doubt and despair because he doesn’t have an explanation for why Hyunjin is acting the way he is, which means that the explanation HAS to be bad and-

But then the fateful three am hits the clock and Hyunjin gets up like he always does, rolling the blanket out like it’s an instinct and patting the side invitingly so Seungmin will join him. He feels his worries fizzle away like soap bubbles when the older bashfully wraps an arm around his waist, the gesture cautious and careful, as if he’s worried Seungmin might lash out and throw him off.

He doesn’t though. The weight is too comforting to lose, and the ease that settles in his chest outweighs the confusion from before.

It’s a Saturday, and a particularly bad Saturday at that. His sister was disagreeable as always, he had to sit through awkward conversations with some stranger, and his shift at work wasn’t the best either. Saturday’s are the nights when his brain is the loudest, and sleep never comes easy.

It’s strange though. With this heaviness on top of him and the sound of steady breathing beside his ear, the world around him finally feels quiet and more stagnant than it normally is. It's a miracle in it's own right, how he's too tired to even ponder in wonder at how this boy beside him makes his heart feel at peace so easily. The sounds in his head are silent, and for the first time in a while, he closes his eyes and the world goes black, feeling comfy and warm and fuzzy on the inside.

______

“Seungminnie?”

Seungmin snorts as he’s jarred awake, lifting his head up from the nest of his arms. He blinks rapidly as his eyes begin to register the softer lighting of the bakery around him. Hyunjin is staring back at him when his blurry vision begins to clear, dressed in a simple grey hoodie and light jeans that make it look like he's a part of the cracking paint on the walls behind him. There isn’t concern in Hyunjin's eyes, the older boy already being accustomed to Seungmin’s inconsistent and odd sleep schedule, but there is still some semblance of worry, like he’s afraid that Seungmin might fall over after waking up so suddenly.

The first thing he thinks of when his jumbled and delirious brain wakes up is despite the fact that Seungmin insisted that Hyunjin start wearing some other colors of the rainbow so he doesn’t always look like a burglar, he still manages to look criminally good dressed in such simple yet well fitted clothes.

Unfortunately, he’s too mentally unbalanced to stifle that thought right now. He's also not conscious enough to stop himself from enjoying the thought, and he curses himself internally.

“Where’s Felix?” Hyunjin asks, snapping Seungmin out of his trance. He nods in the general direction of the back room.

“Probably just getting some stuff that needs to be ready for tomorrow. Either that, or he’s changing. Speaking of which, gimme a sec.” He holds a hand up, gesturing for the older to stay in place before bustling off to the staff as well. He meets with Felix halfway there.

“S’all yours.” Felix grumbles, yawning as the two shuffle by each other in the narrow hallway.

_______

It’s not until he’s standing beside Hyunjin as they’re going home does he realize how embarrassed he feels, and for the first time too.

He kind of wishes Felix was in between him and the eldest so Hyunjin might be encouraged to talk to both of them rather than JUST Seungmin, but for some reason he just won’t stop talking. It’s not bad of course, he just can’t bring himself to find Hyunjin annoying or overbearing because he easily soaks up all of the attention whether he likes it or not. It’s just that this particular day, it feels like there’s a talkative marble statue that’s trying to get a response out of him, the antisocial picasso painting.

He doesn’t have anything against abstract art of course, but hell, how is he NOT supposed to feel nervous when he looks like this? He honestly doesn’t even know what he’s wearing, his skin is a mess, and he doesn’t understand how past Seungmin had the AUDACITY to call his normal hair messy when it looks like a fucking sea creature pulled from the bermuda triangle right now.

Since when did he get so flustered around Hyunjin?

(Secretly, he knew that he might’ve always gotten a bit embarrassed around the older, but he wasn’t anywhere near ready to admit that)

In short: he feels like a clam talking to nothing short of a greek god, and honestly the fact that he’s thinking of Hyunjin as a greek god is more worrying than the fact that he JUST COMPARED HIMSELF TO A CLAM.

He can’t stop himself from groaning in the short beat of silence that their small group gets as they take the bus back to Hyunjin’s apartment from the bakery like they always do on Saturdays. Felix has started joining their little ensemble after a while as well. Resting his head against the australian’s shoulder, he feels the small urge to fall asleep again so that his brain will finally shut up. The bulk of the day is over, he should be relaxing now. They pick up Chan along the way, and when the group is complete, they fall into an agreeable silence.

______

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have an asthma attack from how hard he’s heaving, Chan is nursing a beer because it’s the only thing that can stop him from dying of laughter as well, and Felix is screaming bloody murder as Seungmin attempts to snap his neck (jokingly of course, but also he’s REALLY considering it (he isn’t actually, but is he? They'll never know. Felix calls it the Great Guillotining of the 21st century: a classic mystery for the history books)).

It’s a dramatic shift from the atmosphere three hours ago when they were coming back from the bakery, but this ambience is much, much better.

It’s strange how starkly different this kind of delirium felt in comparison to the disorienting feeling he gets when he first wakes up. It’s softer, fuzzier, and less sensitive. It’s colored by warm reds, oranges, and other sunset colors. It’s a violent contrast to the white, grey, and monochromes of convenience store lights and the other things that normally greet his vision when he’s forced to wake up from a short and accidental sleep. It’s fuzzy around the edges, soft and easy to touch; easy to feel and to drown himself in.

It’s exactly the kind of delirium he needs right now, and he’s glad that the people around him are giving it to him. He giggles dazedly as Felix and Chan argue and wrestle with each other over the last piece of chicken in the box. They keep drunkenly slurring meaningless threats of ball busting that Seungmin honestly doesn’t even want to even process because who the fuck WANTS to think about that?

He doesn’t even process the hand that sleep easily around his waist or the sudden warmth that fills in the cold space beside him on the couch; he barely thinks about how equally as easily he nuzzles up against Hyunjin. The alcohol in the bloodstream and the atmosphere that he’s feeding off of lets him ignore the temporary stiffness of Hyunjin’s figure, how the older’s eyes widen suddenly when Seungmin shifts in his embrace to look up at him with glassy and happy eyes.

But before he knows it, Hyunjin’s eyes curve upwards as well, and Seungmin feels at peace.

_____

He steps out of the shower in a cloud of steam, the familiar scent of Hyunjin’s body wash trailing behind him.

The sight that greets him when he walks back into the living room is both breathtakingly hilarious and oddly wholesome. Nobody was sober (or conscious) enough to go home, so Hyunjin just rolled out the blanket again and called it a sleepover. Felix and Chan already seemed to be completely knocked out, with the eldest draped haphazardly across the couch and Felix occupying one end of the blanket, a throw pillow clutched close to his chest. Hyunjin isn’t anywhere to be seen, but there’s a quiet tinkling sound coming from the kitchen that gives Seungmin a good guess as to where he is.

And as he stares at everything in front of him, he can’t stop himself as he walks into the middle of the blanket, sitting down to stare blankly at the scene around him. This feels so surreal. It’s a bunch of guys laying here and there in this one room like it’s a child’s sleepover. The rest of the empty boxes of food and waste have been pushed into one corner of the room because nobody has the physical or mental fortitude to properly clean anything up. Everything smells like takeout, the downtown smoke that’s wafting in from the outside world, and a whole lot of Chan, Felix and Hyunjin.

But mostly Hyunjin.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Fittingly, the older boy is standing behind him, smiling like his face is holding the sun despite how dark the room is. Hyunjin drops to all fours, crawling to the center of the blanket before wrapping both of his arms around Seungmin’s midsection again. Seungmin smiles, pulling Hyunjin just a bit closer than he already is and burying his face into the older’s hair.

“Brat. You’re like an oversized baby.”

“Hey, I never denied anything. Also, answer the question.”

“Nothing. And I mean it. Really, I’m thinking about nothing, I’m just looking at a whole lot of something.” He replies. Hyunjin grins as well, looking up to watch the others.

"What a pretty view around us right now, huh? This is certainly unexpected. And here I thought we would have had a night to ourselves again.” Hyunjin muses jokingly.

 _“I was talking about you. You’re the something I’m looking at.”_ Seungmin thinks, stopping himself from saying anything out loud. He chuckles, sweater paws clutching onto whatever of Hyunjin’s clothing he can get a hold of.

“There’s not much that’s beautiful about this scene.” He replies amusingly. Hyunjin looks up at him, a soft grin painting his lips.

“You’re beautiful, Seungminnie.”

And it’s funny. It might as well have been a joke, despite how oddly genuine and soft Hyunjin's voice sounds. He knows for sure that he looks like absolute shit in comparison to a few days ago when he went on that mock date after all. Here he sat with his hair a mess, a crop of pimples on his jaw, and a spot of whipped cream on the edge of his chapped lips. He’s dressed in an old shirt that he’d found on Hyunjin’s dresser that had been there for who knows how long, and he’s wearing a hoodie that he hadn’t washed in a while.

Yet for the first time in maybe forever, sitting on cheap matting in his friend’s room with Hyunjin’s arms around his waist, it only took three words for Seungmin to think that he really did feel kind of beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to clarify that Rowoon is wonderful and I love him :,))))
> 
> Hey, that SKZ repackage looks fine as hell, right?
> 
> Anyways, to whom it may concern, I hope that you're enjoying this so far. This has definitely been an interesting experience for me. Funny story, I actually had written another 100 page work (that still isn't complete, might I add) before this one, but I put it on hold for a bit to take a break by focusing on a smaller piece of work.
> 
> Said "smaller" piece of work was this one, the one you're reading right now.
> 
> And well... we all know how that's turning out so far.
> 
> Also, i have a bad habit of turning everything a bit angsty. If this becomes my trademark in the future I seriously will throw all my technology off a bridge.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> ______
> 
> Hi! Future me popping in. I've added a note at the beginning of the work. It isn't necessary to read it as it does not concern the rest of the story, so please read it only if you so wish. 
> 
> Final update will be up soon!


	4. Seven Billion and Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You weren’t that drunk, were you.” Hyunjin says tentatively.
> 
> “Nope.”
> 
> “God, please tell me you were asleep.” He prays quietly. Chan looks to the side sheepishly.
> 
> “To be fair, you’re horrendously awful at whispering, and I’m a notoriously light sleeper. It’s cute though, he probably found it charming."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO STUPID I’VE BEEN TYPING IN HTML THIS ENTIRE TIME OMFG WHY DIDN’T I KNOW RICH TEXT WAS A THING THAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER SDFIODSFIH.
> 
> Anyways, final chapter, woohoo! Again, I'm SO sorry that it's so long, and I hope it lives up to your expectations? Enjoy!

Hyunjin wakes up the next morning feeling extra warm, extra comfy, extra hungry, and extra nauseous.

How these feelings can all coexist in his body at one time, he will never understand. For now though, all he knows is that despite his hangover, he’s somehow starving(?). 

Which should be, you know, biologically impossible.

Regardless, he untangles himself from Seungmin as gently as he can without disturbing the younger before shuffling to the kitchen. 

Chan’s face suddenly comes into view as he closes the refrigerator door, and it takes all of Hyunjin’s willpower to not scream and punch him in the mouth. It also doesn't help that the eldest is wearing that shit eating grin, the one that spells out embarrassment and chaos in the future. It makes it extra difficult for Hyunjin to resist smacking that annoying ass expression right off of his face.

“Oh god, what did I do this time?” He groans, walking around Chan to make his way to the microwave. The other’s smile grows even larger as he walks calmly to the kitchen island.

“So you know you did something?” Chan replies. 

“No, but that weird face you’re making is telling me that I DID do something.”

“I guess you’re not a total dumbass. What do you _think_ you did?” 

“You’re starting to sound like my mom. Are you gonna nag at me?” Hyunjin asks.

His eyes widen as realization pours over him. 

There’s a reason why Chan seems so relaxed and honestly speaking, perfectly fine and healthy after a night of getting white girl wasted. The guy’s got a wild alcohol tolerance after all. 

“You weren’t that drunk, were you?” Hyunjin says tentatively.

“Nope.”

“God, please tell me you were asleep.” He prays quietly. Chan looks to the side sheepishly.

“To be fair, you’re horrendously awful at whispering, and I’m a notoriously light sleeper. It’s cute though, he probably found it charming. 

“Oh FUCK you, you can’t tell me that and expect that entire moment to NOT be ruined.” He whines, throwing himself onto the counter. “...How much of it did you see?”

“More than I needed or wanted, trust me,” Chan replies slowly. Hyunjin feels his resolve crumble a little. It really doesn’t help that the older is still smiling. Seriously, was this really that funny? Were his pain and embarrassment some sick joke that a stand-up comedian made? This asshole is making him feel like a clown, like "look at me and how amusing my humiliating failure of a confession was!"

“Was it that bad…?” Hyunjin mumbles, more to himself than anything. “That you heard it ‘cause it was loud enough and pathetic enough that you’re making fun of me because of it?”

Chan barks out a hearty laugh, walking to his side and rubbing his back mildly. It honestly feels more like a gesture of pity than anything, which doesn’t make Hyunjin feel much better.

“Hey, at least I’m impressed. Do I want to see that again? Never. I'd rather tear my eyes out with an ice cream scoop. But do I think you did a good job? Definitely. Although, that reminds me.” Chan pauses before flicking his forehead, prompting both a questionable loud cracking sound and an equally noisy yelp from Hyunjin.

“Ow!”

“You didn’t do the thing!” Chan seethes after he shushes Hyunjin down. Felix and Seungmin are still sleeping in the living room, and while Hyunjin is pretty sure Chan would jump at the opportunity to embarrass him, it seems like he’ll let the younger save his pride for today.

“I tried!” Hyunjin fumes back, rubbing the spot on his head. “It’s just… I started talking and then _he_ started talking and then I just replied like… _that,_ and the conversation was over. I didn’t even think to bring it up.”

“You probably weren’t thinking at all. There you were, all dressed up with your hair done and everything. You’ve ordered all the food and alcohol in advance, you’ve lightened up a bit by getting some of it into your system, and then _boom_ you’re basically cuddling on the couch, which MIGHT I ADD is APPARENTLY a common occurrence for you two. Your faces are barely inches away from each other, he’s staring at you with all of the stars in the sky, and the moment is PERFECT.” Chan says dreamily, clapping his hands together as if he’s retelling a riveting romance before his head swivels back to Hyunjin with an annoyed glare. “And you just sit there, saying jack shit!”

“It wasn’t the right time, you and Felix were right there!” Hyunjin argues. Chan rolls his eyes as if that was the most ridiculous excuse he’s ever heard.

“Bullshit, I was about to murder him with how loud he was snoring. You could have been yelling at Seungmin with a megaphone and we still wouldn’t have noticed. But anyways, where was I...here we are. So you wait until everyone’s knocked out, which is smart, I’ll give you that. And again, you’ve either got a silver spoon shoved up your ass or the universe suddenly just thinks _"Man, this Hyunjin guy is really neat!"_ because the scene is PERFECT. AGAIN. It’s the shitty scenario that shitty people write shitty stories about. AND YOU STILL DON’T DO THE THING.”

“Alright, I get it, I’m a coward, you’ve made your point, I’ll… try again some other time, now can you leave me alone? I thought you were supposed to make me feel better. Also, I might actually vomit.”

“Please do. This is your kitchen, fuck it up however you wish.”

_______

  
  


This could have been a peaceful, relaxing, and calming breakfast on a Sunday morning. It’s a lazy kind of day, the type of lazy that you can feel in the air, unmoving and drowsy. 

Except his brain (and also Felix’s mouth) is going at a _million fucking miles an hour_.

Beside him, Felix is freaking out over his phone. Somehow, he’s gotten ahold of some guy’s number. Apparently it’s the same short person from the photo he had shown him a while back, some guy named Changbin that goes to the same Psychology class as him? Chan also seems mildly invested in Felix’s predicament, peeking over his shoulder as he chews absentmindedly on stale bread. He squeals whenever his phone lights up with a notification, repeatedly jabbing Seungmin’s ribcage over and over again in excitement. It’s adorable and amusing the first few times, but after a while he starts to worry that his sides might begin bruising.

But more importantly,

What the fuck is “the thing”?!

He didn’t MEAN to wake up early. He didn’t MEAN to follow Hyunjin and Chan into the kitchen to scare them after pretending to be asleep. He didn’t MEAN to eavesdrop on Chan biting Hyunjin’s ear off. 

Because in all honesty, he REALLY wishes he didn’t. He keeps turning over everything he heard because now he’s just TOO curious. Was there something he didn’t know about? Was there something that Hyunjin had to tell him? Was there some that he missed when they were talking last night? Why was he planning to tell him something? Should he be concerned? The list went on infinitely, and despite how bubbly and joyful he feels on the inside, he can’t stop to savour the feeling because he’s just too curious to know what it meant.

Thankfully, his phone rings a few minutes later, comically at the same time when Felix’s phone buzzes. He excuses himself to the washroom, feeling Hyunjin’s eyes against his back.

  
  


_______

  
  


The TV isn’t meant to be the center of attention, Chan just insists on having some kind of background ambiance as they eat. There really isn’t any reason for it; Hyunjin and Felix are loud enough on their own, but he just turns it on to a random channel to appease the eldest. He doesn’t even bother to pay attention, too busy listening to Felix’s horrifying retelling of “the pancake incident” (A thriller horror-slasher film coming to theaters near you! Featuring Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix, and a bowl of vegan pancake battere) at his and Seungmin’s shared apartment, until he hears a familiar tune in the background. He turns around, yelping when he sees his own face staring back at him.

“Wha- wait, Hyunjin! That’s you-” Hyunjin reaches across the coffee table to clasp his hand over Felix’s shouts.

“Hyung, switch it or something!” He shrieks. Chan pats around beneath the blankets on the couch frantically, eventually finding the remote. The sound of children’s cartoons fill the room, and both he and Hyunjin let out a sigh of relief.

Except apparently it wasn’t fast enough.

Because two seconds later, Seungmin is bolting out the door, his bag left behind before Hyunjin hears the sound of the door slamming unceremoniously from outside of the room. Chan sends him a concerned look, and Felix can only look between the two of them in awe and confusion. 

Shit.

His chest begins to fill with panic, a furiously anxious feeling clawing at his insides after building up for so long. It’s like all of his worries and fears are threatening to erupt out of him, amalgamating into a pitiful concoction of regret and guilt. He doesn’t even feel himself get up and follow the boy outwards, barely even registering the feeling of something cold dripping against his skin as he steps into the cool air. By the time he’s outside, he’s alone, looking around frantically as his insides burn.

Seungmin’s angry at him.

And it’s all his fault for not being honest with him.

  
________  
  


  
  


Rain.

It’s one of Seungmin's fonder memories. He always remembered the feeling of rain, the way his skin would cool when it hits his body, the trails of wetness that get left behind as it rolls down his skin. 

It’s like the sky always knew he wasn’t happy, so it would cry for him because he couldn’t bring himself to.

And yet it was ironic in a way, that he could only be truly happy when the sky was sad.

He remembered sharing the rain with his sister when they were younger. When Mom and Dad weren’t home, it would always begin pouring, which was odd seeing as America wasn’t known for how often the streets were stained by water. It wasn’t a sad thing to see the rain though. For the two of them, it was always an exciting occasion. 

They weren’t bad parents, but they weren’t good either. It always felt as though there never were old people around them, never anyone to tell them what to do, but also never anyone around them to love them except for each other.

They had one rule though: never play in the rain.

They said the mud was too hard to scrape from the floors. 

And so because they were rebellious little kids, when it rained, they’d throw the umbrellas away and relish in the storms, in the wind, and in the drizzling. Seungmin was barely older than a baby, and his sister was only just becoming a toddler, but she could make an imaginary playground out of flat ground. She’d play with him. She’d take care of him. She’d make him happy.

The rain was so, so happy.

They were happy tears from the sky, so overflowing with joy when it looked down to the earth and saw two children dancing around beneath it.

But when they grew a bit older, their games grew different too. Hyewon’s ideas always matched the stories that they would read in their crusty school library. If she was a pirate, Seungmin would be her parrot. If she was a superhero, he’d be her sidekick. If she was a witch, he’d be her familiar.

Her favorite game though, was when she was a princess, locked away in a tower waiting for her prince charming. And Seungmin was the castle servant.

But no matter what game they played, Seungmin existed for her. He’d steal tiara’s for her when she wanted to be royal, he’d find sticks and flowers when she wanted to make spells, and he’d make hideouts for them when she wanted to save the world. 

And he loved it this way.

Because it felt like she existed for him too. When he brought her toys and charms and potion ingredients and props, she’d love him and smother him with warm kisses and hugs. It was like he couldn’t survive without her, and she wouldn’t survive with him. 

When they grew older, things changed more, but never for the better. _His_ books turned into _her_ books, but none of her books were his. She’d take the few desserts they’d get on rare occasions but never share. It was always take, take, take, and never any give. It was always “you” who belonged to “me”, but never the other way around.

Because he existed for her.

And this was okay. This was the normal for Seungmin, because in this world where adults never loved them or told them what to do, he could only turn to her. Because SHE loved him. SHE could tell him what to do. SHE _knew_ what to do. 

This was how it always was.

In high school, Hyewon met a boy. He was funny and smart and handsome and rich and _everything_ that a Cinderella could want from a Prince Charming. It’s like the games they played when they were younger were finally coming true to her.

Except the games they played were ALREADY real when it was just the two of them. Even if there wasn’t a prince charming, they still had each other to complete the story. The brother and sister, the princess and her most trusted subject. It was a horrible set up for a story, but neither of them cared when they were so young. When you’re younger, you watch movies and read books without worrying about plot points, literature archetypes, and how these worlds are built because you don’t care. The finer and _realer_ details don’t matter, because children stay for the magic.

And this story wasn’t even as sugar coated and perfect like the ones in fairytales either. The prince was selfish. Rude. Manipulative. Condescending. Egotistic. Instead of a princess and a prince, it felt like his sister was the peasant chasing after royalty, except she never got the pretty ballgown and the glass slippers. The boy made his sister feel like the clock was stuck at twelve, like she could never amount to whatever he desired.

But he kept her around. Seungmin watched for three years as this boy made Hyewon his personal rag doll, a barbie that bent to his every desire and every need, and slowly, Seungmin saw his place in Hyewon's narrative replaced by this boy. Hyewon wouldn't have known any better; she was head over heels even if she never got the glass slippers, so it stayed that way too. Maybe she was blind. Maybe she couldn’t see how destructive her relationship with this boy was. Maybe she did know, and just didn’t care.

But she stayed. She always did.

And Seungmin had no choice but to _exist_ for her. He sneaked her out of the house at midnight, drove her from place to place after she forced him to get a driver’s license, helped her stand when the alcohol in her system knocked her over, patched up the bruises and scars on her lips and her cheeks that she got from “falling over.”

His sister was never good at making up stories.

He’d also be the one to open the door when the boy apologized, roses ready at the hand with a smile on his face when she gladly forgave her.

And at first Seungmin thought she was dumb. He thought to himself “Even she wouldn’t choose to stay by his side on purpose.”

But it was...unnerving. It was unnerving to see the bruises blossom against her porcelain skin like lavenders, but also to see just how sincere and genuine the boy looked. Seungmin read a story about a man with two souls when he was younger, and sometimes he would wonder if that man was standing in front of his sister. He dreamt that this boy that had completely captured his sister was secretly split into two twins, each with different personalities. It wasn’t the most outrageous thing he’d even come up with, and how else has he supposed to explain how drastically the boy’s behavior shifted?

In the end, no matter how twisted their affection was, no matter how demented their feelings were, at least they had _something_. At least they had love, something that Seungmin had lost. 

At least they had love, even when she cried to Seungmin over the phone, screaming at him to save her on her eighteenth birthday. She “only had her little brother.” And of course he ran outside trying to find her, even though he had no idea where she was. 

He just felt empty.

Because he had nothing.

Because he existed for her.

It’s just like now. He chased her back to Korea to find her after she chased her boyfriend there. He should be thankful, because at the very least, she never moves in the hospital. It wasn’t like before, where he was forced to memorize the winding labyrinths of Seoul to find her on the most bizarre nights. He had to, it was his duty as the most loyal servant to the princess.

Because he existed only for her. 

________

  
  


“Hyung!”

Seungmin gasps for breath, panting heavily as he rests his hands on his knees. An older, brown haired male turns around at the sound of his voice, breathing a sigh of relief once he sees him. He breaks into a light jog to meet Seungmin in the middle of the hall, abandoning the post he had taken outside of Hyewon’s room.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, things are under control now.” Jinyoung says calmly, patting Seungmin on the shoulder as he leans down to catch his breath.

“I-is she alright? How bad is it? Is she awake?” He asks frantically. 

“She’s asleep. I’m sorry Minnie, I…we were coming back from the cafeteria. I know, I _know_ I should have used the elevator, but the one in the hallway outside was getting fixed and I didn’t think we’d want to walk halfway across the facility just to go upstairs, so I took her up the stairs because I thought it wouldn’t be a long walk. Then… I think she had a hallucination or a minor slip up or anything else. I don’t know if she… if she _heard_ him or if it was a peduncular episode or if- fuck, I’m making excuses for myself now. I don’t think it was anything big because she just stumbled a bit, but before I could catch her she fell backwards and... I’m sorry Minnie, I should’ve-”

“No hyung, stop, it’s fine. You shouldn’t blame yourself for something you can’t control. You’re a great caretaker, I’m glad she has you when I’m not here. Is she awake?”

“She’s unconscious right now- 'took a pretty bad blow to the head, bad enough to cause a small lesion. She’s all patched up, but she’s still sleeping, and she keeps shuddering every few minutes. I’m a bit worried, but we’ll have to wait until she’s awake to formerly check anything”

After a few more minutes of consoling, Jinyoung leaves him alone in the hallway. With a deep inhale, Seungmin wills himself to enter the room, his hands trembling slightly as he turns the doorknob.

The first thing he sees is the bandage that’s wrapped lopsidedly around her head, a thin strip of white that looks almost indistinguishable from how pale Hyewon’s face is. 

And he expects himself to feel angry. Sad. Distressed. Horrified. Just… something. 

But there isn’t really anything. There’s just this weird bitter emptiness in his head. It’s like he’s rotting on the inside, like the exhaustion has finally caught up to him and his body wants some payback but it doesn’t have the energy to do anything. He tries to channel any emotion, any semblance of _feeling_ that would fill the silent chasm in his chest, but it remains an empty abyss, devoid of sympathy.

He rests his head against the bed, reaching forward instinctively to grasp Hyewon’s hand before stopping just before. He stops, lowering his arm. It’s like his body is paralyzed or fighting against itself, never letting him place his limbs where he wants them to be. He tries moving it underneath his head but he stops short. 

He doesn’t deserve to rest himself like this. All of a sudden, the prospect of being anywhere near his sister disgusts him. 

And that makes him disgusted with himself. 

  
  


_______

  
  


Hyewon is still asleep when he wakes up. He hates the relief that he feels when he’s able to leave without having to bargain with her, hates how refreshing it feels to not have to stay by her side more than he has to.

What kind of person is he?

He doesn’t visit for the rest of the week, not even bothering to check on her to see if she’s awake. He can wait until Saturday. Or rather, he tries to hold everything off until Saturday.

  
  


______

  
  


Hyunjin hasn’t heard from Seungmin in a week.

Or at least, he hasn’t heard from him in about six days. Which is almost a week. He’s getting much better at this whole exaggeration thing. 

He doesn’t have to exaggerate how much this hurts though. It’s the longest he’s gone without the younger, and it’s torture. He misses talking to him, even if it’s just over the phone. The conversations he has throughout the week all of a sudden seem bleak and boring. There’s never that familiar touch of dry humor in their words, that odd warmness that sneaks into their sentences like Seungmin’s does when he becomes genuine. 

It doesn’t just hurt, it’s downright eerie too. There’s absolute radio silence that meets Hyunjin whenever he tries to text or call Seungmin. Felix ghosts him as well, ignoring him when he asks for him to help him get into contact with Seungmin. At the very least, that means that the younger boy is alive, but honestly, that doesn’t do much to calm his worries because then _why isn’t he replying?_

He keeps on thinking back to a few months back, when Seungmin had come over teary-eyed, tired, and overwhelmed. He wants to scoff when he thinks back to how distressed he had gotten over the younger boy's short absence. If only Seungmin could have come back to him after just two days like he had before; what he’s waiting through right now feels like an eternity compared to back then.

He walks by the convenience store on Friday, wearing too little despite how cold the air is turning because he just wants this longing feeling inside his chest to numb. There’s someone unfamiliar standing at the cash register. It might as well have been empty.

The walk back home feels empty too. He can't help but think that the decision to wear only a thin sweatshirt and jeans in this weather does the opposite of what he wishes it would do. He feels too sensitive, cursing how crisp the air suddenly feels, how unwelcoming it feels when he’s alone. The cold doesn’t numb him, it just makes him feel like his skin is cracking, like thin ice. He’s glad that tomorrow is warmer. 

As the thought crosses calmly through his mind, Hyunjin stops dead in his tracks at the revelation he's just came to.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Saturday.

An epiphany drop kicks him on the back of the head. He knows what he has to do.

  
  
  


________

  
  
  


Despite the way the sky begins to grey, Hyunjin’s “prediction” was correct. The air feels warmer today.

Well, it’s not technically his prediction, but that’s a detail that he’s willing to overlook. The point is that the air feels warmer today. There’s a bounce to his step, and even though the clothes he’s wearing are still not weather appropriate seeing as it’s still Autumn, it’s like the weather is giving him a break for not freezing him to death. He’s got a good feeling about today, even though there’s nothing to base that claim off of.

Or maybe he’s not feeling good about today. Maybe it’s just that, if all goes according to plan (or at least whatever scrappy constructed “plan” he’s come up with), he’ll get to see Seungmin again after, what, forever?

(Turns out he _hasn’t_ been getting better at the whole exaggeration thing).

But the point is, he wants to apologize. Apologize for lying. Apologize for not being 100% genuine and honest with Seungmin, maybe beg that they stay friends if it has to come to that. He doesn’t even care if Seungmin looks at him differently, if he hates or likes him anymore than before now that he knows that Hyunjin’s more popular than the average person; he just doesn’t want to lose him.

The thought scares him, and he’s lost enough pride to make him readily admit that to himself. He’s gotten a taste of what being completely alone feels like with no Seungmin, and that was already enough to fuck with his head. It feels weird sleeping on his bed because being on that old blanket with Seungmin just feels infinitely more comfortable and _natural._ He keeps thinking back to how easily it was for him to hold the other when they lay there together, no words exchanged verbally or in their heads. He misses making Seungmin feel like his world, misses being able to help the younger find refuge from whatever he was facing from the outside world, even if he hid it from Hyunjin.

He misses Seungmin even if it means that he has secrets that he keeps from Hyunjin too.

He doesn’t even care if the younger doesn’t like him back, he just can’t be alone again. 

  
  


_____

  
  
  


And so Hyunjin finds himself standing in front of the hospital on a Saturday, where he knows Seungmin will be for sure. He’s got a bag of takeout from their favorite chinese place, like a peace offering.

It's funny, it does kind of feel like going to war. Although it’s more like going to war with himself rather than Seungmin.

This is dumb. It’s a ridiculous plan. He doesn’t even know which way he’s going or which direction Seungmin and Hyewon’s room is. He can’t exactly ask the front desk because he’s not a registered affiliate, and honestly, after just five minutes these blinding white hallways begin to look identical.

He eventually finds the room almost an hour later, and it’s embarrassing how long he had spent wandering. 

And yet, instead of feeling excitement or some kind of accomplishment, Hyunjin can only furrow his brows in concern when he nears the door.

Sure, the hospital environment is quiet, but even more, the Seungmin that he’s familiarized himself with is quiet. He has his wild moments here and there, but generally, the younger is pretty docile. 

So what are those loud noises that are coming from the room? It sounds like screaming, or yelling… or arguing? 

The excitement he had before beings to crumble, and his worry starts to fizzle like a kettle on a burning stove as he cautiously opens the door.

“That isn’t important right now.”

“Yes it IS. You left me ALONE.”

“There’s other things I have to do to take care of you Hyewon. I can’t just stay here twenty-four seven to take care of you. I need money to keep you here, I-I need to graduate fast so I can make MORE money to get you OUT.” Seungmin replies stiffly. His voice is thin. It’s restrained and scrawny in a way that dims in comparison to how loud Hyewon is roaring. His sister is clutching the edge of her blanket furiously, the upper half of her body moving around violently as if she’s siphoning all of her anger into that portion of herself.

“Here we go again, it's always you, you, YOU. YOUR jobs. YOUR education. YOUR life. Why can’t you see that my life is in danger right now? Why aren’t you helping me MORE?! Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?! I’m tired all the time because every time I’m about to sleep I hear HIM. I’m miserable here, there’s nothing to do except wallow in my own pity. I-I-I’m fucking rotting on the inside because I’m starting to hate that I’m hating you and I hate myself and I hate that you have to work for me but I hate that you aren’t working _more_ for me...what's _happening_ to me?!” She cries, her voice pained as she rubs her hands violently through her hair. Her sentences struggle from his throat, as if even she doesn’t understand the things that are coming out of her mouth, what she’s _feeling_ anymore. She’s just... angry, and all of it, every last drop of human emotion in her body, seems to be directed at the younger boy standing in front of her.

“It doesn’t matter,” She says, raising her head out of her palms. “You should have stayed with me more. You should have made sure that he never came to hurt me anymore- you KNEW that he can never show up if you’re here. Hell, you should have checked on me when I got knocked out-”

“Oh, shut UP!”

From the door, Hyunjin flinches. Hyewon stops too, surprised. He’s never heard Seungmin speak this loudly before, let alone with so much emotion. It’s unsettling. He kind of finds it hard to believe that Seungmin could make that sound, with how soft-spoken and warm the boy normally is.

“What else am I supposed to do?! I’m doing everything I can. I’m swapping sleeping time with jobs, I study on the bus and when I should be working, I try to spend every moment I can with you so you can finally catch up on the sleep that I'm missing. I can’t keep you in here forever, I keep losing _money_ and time and my _fucking_ sanity, so much that I wish _I_ had someone to dote over me and my shitty brain.

"Nobody at work likes me cause I’m always sleep deprived and moody, I can never make new friends because you’re always so _paranoid_ about them taking up time that I should be spending with you and you force me to cut ties with them. I can’t even let you meet my roommate! And after years of gathering the _fucking courage_ to introduce you to a new friend I make, you just glare at him and tell me to get rid of him.” Seungmin shouts. He sounds tired, stressed, angry, _distressed._ He clearly isn’t used to yelling like this, his voice cracking between every sentence, and the sound is almost clumsy. 

But it’s terrifyingly resolute. It’s as if there’s been a dam that’s been building up in pressure for so long, and it’s finally broken and overflowing. It compares nothing to a practiced monologue or scripted fights on television screens, Seungmin’s words are filled with overflowing bitterness and guilt and _distress_ that had been bottled up for so long.

“Why do I have to exist for you?! Aren't you the older sibling? Why was I always the adult? Why was I always the one taking care of people? Why couldn’t I ever have been the one people cared for? Why couldn’t you ever notice when _I_ was hurting, when _I_ wanted to rest and to have someone else do all of the things I had to force myself to understand? Why did you have to take everything away from me until I was left with nothing?!” Seungmin shouted one last time before dashing out of the room, leaving both Hyunjin and Hyewon exasperated with their mouths agape. The boy either doesn't see him or completely ignores him as he storms out, leaving nothing but a trail of cold stillness in his wake. 

  
  
  


_______

  
  
  


“Seungmin?! Seungminnie?” 

Hyunjin shouts in panic as he runs out after the younger boy. Fuck, what direction did he go? Did the guy not even see him? He didn’t even spare him a glance as he ran out.

He won’t let Seungmin out of his grasp as he did before. 

But more importantly, it seems like he needs someone right now.

Eventually, he finds Seungmin slumped against the wall in some random hallway. His head is burrowed into his knees, his hands covering his ears as if he’s trying to disconnect himself from the world around him by starting with his senses. Even though he probably has no idea there’s anyone around him in this empty space, Hyunjin still approaches him slowly, as if Seungmin was a frightened stray. Kneeling in front of him, he gently places a hand on Seungmin’s head.

The younger stiffens at the touch, raising his head to look up at him in surprise before his expression shifts to embarrassment. 

“What, didn’t expect to see me?” Hyunjin asks, his tone both teasing yet kind. Seungmin frowns, looking away sheepishly.

“Of course it had to be you.” He grumbles to himself. Hyunjin raises an eyebrow.

“So you DID think I would come.” He grins. Seungmin still refuses to meet his eyes, a blush slowly marching up his face. 

Hyunjin’s smile widens even more. 

He missed this. A lot.

“...You’re the only person who knows I come here, dumbass.” 

Now it’s Hyunjin’s turn to blush, because apparently not even Seungmin’s family or closest friends know about this routine of his. 

But then he remembers the conversation the younger had just had with his sister, and all of a sudden Hyunjin feels like shit because Seungmin probably didn’t even have those outlets to confide in. 

And he wants to say something comforting right now, something that’ll make Seungmin feel better or at least make him feel more at peace with himself.

“Hey, I brought Chinese, and you look like you haven’t eaten in an eternity. C’mon, let’s find a place to sit.”

Except he decides against it. While he might finally have a better understanding of what Seungmin’s going through, he doesn’t know exactly what the battle he’s fighting inside looks like. So he says something forgetful instead, something that will take the younger’s mind off of whatever is going on in his brain. He helps the boy stand up before they wander around outside the hospital as Hyunjin tries to maintain some very one-sided but comfortable small talk.

  
  


______

  
  
  


It’s a nice day, despite how gloomy Seungmin is.

Scratch that, it’s a nice day despite how gloomy Seungmin AND Hyunjin are. 

Well, Hyunjin isn’t actually gloomy. He’s more anxious than anything. There’s a bit of concern and sadness sprinkled in there, along with a notable spoonful of happiness and excitement that predictably comes from how overjoyed he is to finally see Seungmin again in this abominable concoction that is Hwang Hyunjin, but the overall mood he’s feeling right now is pretty negative. Still, he tries. He tries to come off bright and excited like he normally does. Seungmin, at the very least, seems to appreciate it. Even if he’s unresponsive, he doesn’t look quite like he wants to jump off the face of the earth as much as he used to. 

Which is… an improvement? It’s an improvement.

But even through such a bland interaction where only Hyunjin is talking, it’s somehow never uncomfortable in the way he expected it to be, and he’s reminded of why he missed the younger so much. Being with Seungmin just felt _right_. The silence was never suffocating around them; quietness just sort of existed in this weird enigmatic way, and they could just swim around in it like a lazy river. 

And Hyunjin missed just his _presence._ He couldn’t have cared if this was the most awkward and ridiculous moment between the two of them because he just misses Seungmin _that much._

He missed the smiles too. The unhinged kind that crept out whenever Seungmin forgot to act modest, letting the grin stretch from cheek to cheek and allowing his eyes to take the lead, his brown eyed gaze curling upwards first. He missed the feeling of the boy being close to him, where it felt like neither of them could enjoy a quiet nights sleep if they weren’t near each other because of shy touches through layers of cloth and blankets. 

Although now probably wasn’t the best time to be remembering these things.

“You should eat, you know.” The younger says eventually, the smallest hints of mischief in his voice. “Your food is gonna get cold.”  
  


“You just don’t want me to talk so much.” Hyunjin pouts, jabbing at his stir fry overly aggressively. A ghost of a smile creepus up Seungmin’s mouth, and internally Hyunjin erupts with excitement. 

“Nah, don’t stop. I like it this way.” He says, looking down to hide his face. 

“Then talk to me! I’m the only one saying anything here, and you know damn well that I _suck_ at this kinda stuff.” Hyunjin whines, throwing his hands up in mock annoyance. Seungmin looks up rolling his eyes, and finally, _finally,_ there’s some trace of honest joy on his face.

“What do you _want_ me to say?” 

“The news, school, work, your favorite color, the weather,” _Whatever happened in hospital,_ Hyunjin thinks to himself. “I don’t know, I haven’t talked to you in a WEEK, there HAS to be something to talk about!”

Seungmin raises an eyebrow in amusement.

“Let’s see. The world is on fire but that’s nothing unusual, uni is exactly the fucking same, I thought Felix was supposed to be somewhat functionable in the kitchen unlike the two of us, but I was proven wrong after we almost burned down the bakery - thank god he’s not working right now - my favorite color is purple, and the weather…”

Seungmin looks upwards. They’re sitting under a tree at some small park just outside the hospital. Sunlight streams through the dying leaves, and it makes his face look like shards of golden gold foil against a beige canvas. He smiles.

“I really, really hate it.”

Hyunjin blinks in surprise, tilting his head curiously. 

“Why’s that?” He asks. Seungmin frowns.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Well, do you have any other riveting conversation ideas? ‘Cause I sure as hell don’t.” Hyunjin replies. 

“I guess.” Seungmin shrugs before looking up again. “It’s autumn, right? It’s supposed to be chilly and cloudy right now, not all warm and cheery. I kinda wish it was raining.” 

“You like the rain a lot, don’t you?” Hyunjin observes amusedly. Seungmin smiles, nodding earnestly. Suddenly, nostalgia overflows the younger’s face, and his mouth presses into a thin line, conflicted and confused with himself.

“I remember the rain the most. You kind of remind me of the rain. Everyone else in my family hated it, except for me and Hyewon, and even then she ended up bringing an umbrella everywhere with her after a few years.”

Hyunjin winces slightly at the younger's mentions his sister.

“It was the only thing I had, the only thing that belonged to _me,_ because I was always alone when it rained. It’s weird, I must have been really dumb as a kid. The rain falls on everyone, but sometimes when nobody was around, I’d close my eyes and pretend I had my own little cloud, where the water would touch only me. I think that’s why I liked autumn so much too, because it rained a lot.”

“Speaking of which…” Hyunjin offers quietly. Seungmin’s smile drops for a short second before he quickly rewinds his expression. It's an interesting habit that he's noticed the younger has whenever his feelings become too genuine, the guise of calmness and serenity briefly displaced by a second of heightened emotion.

“You’re good at beating around the bush, Hyunjinnie.”

“Aren’t you doing the same right now?”

“Touche.” 

“You didn’t talk to me for a week, Seungmin. No texts, no calls, nothing. I was… worried.” He murmurs. Hyunjin can’t even make himself sound angry or annoyed. He just sounds… sad. Lonely. Desperate. He hates how pathetic his voice comes off because this conversation probably doesn’t mean anything to the boy sitting in front of him. What if he’s just a bystander, another obstacle in this rigorous and tedious journey of life that he has to get through? 

But he can’t help it.

Except Seungmin deflates in his chair, and he looks genuinely apologetic and disappointed with himself.

And it doesn’t make anything to make Hyunjin feel better either. If anything it just makes him feel worse about himself.

“I’m sorry…” Seungmin mumbles. Hyunjin quits trying to pretend, dropping the stone-faced act before reaching across the table, gently thumbing over the knuckles of the younger boy in what he'd describe as a really pathetic attempt to soothe him. It seems like it works though, and Hyunjin regains a little bit of his lost pride knowing that at least some part of him can bring comfort to Seungmin. 

“It’s just… I just felt like shit. And I was busy. Felix caught the stomach flu so he couldn’t go to school or work, and I had to man the bakery AND convenience store all by myself.” The boy chuckles bitterly to himself. “It’s kind of like a running gag for me, isn’t it? It’s like if I don’t get less than seven hours of sleep per seven days, I’m just not Kim Seungmin for that week. I evolve into my shitty and moody final form when I’m sleep deprived.”

“Seungmin…”

“But you’re right. Or well, you didn’t really try to prove me wrong but you’re right. I’m sorry Hyunjinnie, really, I mean it. I’ve been… I’ve been such a bad friend, a bad person. It’s just… I hate that it sounds like an excuse, but there were classes and there was work, plus Hyewon’s injury and just… it’s a lot.” Seungmin sighs, running a hand frustratedly through his hair before frantically waving his hands after seeing how downcast Hyunjin looks by now.

“But don’t, um, don’t blame yourself, if that’s what you’re doing. You do it all the time, soaking up all the guilt like a sponge even when you're not the one at fault. Please don’t…do that.” He finishes awkwardly but sincerely. He’s finally looking up to meet Hyunjin’s gaze, his eyes wide and trembling with unadulterated nervousness and guilt. Hyunjin takes a breath to try to calm himself, but the pressure in his lungs only makes it worse. He pushes forward though; he needs to apologize to Seungmin, make things right in what is already a strange situation. 

“No wait, you can’t do that thing as well. It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong either. I mean, yeah... it would have been nice if you could have sent me a text saying you were okay, but you had your reasons. Nobody can blame you for that.” Hyunjin sighs, rubbing his forehead. “I’m sorry, I just thought… I thought that after you ran out on us after I came on screen for that ad, you were angry. I knew I should’ve been more honest- should’ve told you earlier. God, Seungmin, I don’t even know what I was thinking. You would’ve seen me in some series of a shitty drama eventually and I probably would’ve just ended up hurting you because I kept the truth from yo-”

“Wait, what?”

Hyunjin pauses. 

His brain trips for a second, and suddenly all that fear from before is replaced by blankness and empty traces of bewilderment. 

“The… ad that came on the TV right before you left? Last week…?” Hyunjin continues cautiously. Seungmin’s brows furrow in equal confusion. 

“What ad?”  
  


The air around them stills, as if God or whatever deity that created life is overlooking them and pressing pause to digest some big reveal. There’s no people around and yet it feels like the clouds, the leaves, and the grass around them are leaning in to get a better view. Even then, Hyunjin feels weirdly isolated. 

“I-I… I thought you ran out after you saw me in an advertisement. It was for a soft drink company or some shit, I don’t know. I just remember you running out after I came on screen.” Hyunjin says dumbly, as if he needs to clarify that what he’s saying is true. Seungmin’s brows furrow even further in confusion. His lips are pressed into a thin line, as if he’s deep in thought.

“I never… saw the TV. I got a phone call that day, from Jinyoung. He’s one of Hyewon’s caretakers, and the one who told me about her injury. That’s why I ran out so suddenly.” Seungmin replies, his phrasing just as careful as Hyunjin’s. “I never saw an ad. Hell, you could tell how fast I ran out of there, I left my bag behind and everything. It’s probably still in your apartment, assuming you haven’t thrown it out already.”

Oh.

_OH._

_OH GOD._

So Hyunjin’s just fucked himself over.

But then Seungmin is smiling, and it’s knowing and calm and Hyunjin is _so, so_ confused.

_“_ Hyunjin, I don’t know how else to tell you this, but you’re a _fucking celebrity._ You know that it wouldn’t take too long for me to eventually find out about your acting career, right?” Seungmin muses, almost to himself as he stares Hyunjin down, his words and thoughts for both himself and the older. Hyunjin can practically see all of the dots that are finally coming together in the younger’s head. It’d be amusing if not for the overwhelming embarrassment and, frankly enough, _anxiety_ that comes from seeing how Seungmin will react.

And shit, he feels like an idiot.

“I’m sorry, Seungminnie.” Hyunjin mumbles guiltily. Surprisingly, the other smiles again, shaking his head slowly.

“To be fair, I should’ve noticed something sooner, especially after I met Chan hyung. And… it’s okay. I get it. Everybody has secrets to keep, I suppose. I wonder what your reason was.” Seungmin says quietly, looking back to the familiar large grey building in the distance. The way he says it makes it sound like a rhetorical question, like he’s already thought of a list of potential reasons. And so Hyunjin says just that.

“You already know why I did it.” Hyunjin sighs, looking up. 

“I don’t think of you any differently.” Seungmin answers softly. “Or at least, I don’t...I don’t think I do. You’re still the same dramatic and ridiculous Hyunjinnie that I see every Friday. Besides, your job isn’t something you should apologize for. I found out about a week ago actually. Felix ran into my room screaming with his phone in his hand. We watched some of the drama you just finished a few weeks back. We… weren’t really talking then, but you know I would’ve treated you all the same, right?”

“So um,” Hyunjin coughs, desperate to change the uncomfortable subject. “What happened back there, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

And so Seungmin (begrudgingly) tells him, seemingly also eager to shift into any topic that wasn’t Hyunjin awkwardly kept secret. He tells him all about his sister, why he’d disappear on Saturdays, why he worked two jobs, why he always had to be around Hyewon. It wasn’t just the love that two siblings shared, it was the borderline desperation that they had when they were younger to _stay together._ It haunted Seungmin even now, and Hyewon would be haunted by other ghosts if Seungmin wasn’t there to keep her calm and safe. 

“I mean… I never _had_ anything. Even if we were just kids and each other's company didn’t matter, I feel like she gave me so much when I was younger. It felt like I had to return everything two fold, and I did it willingly. It wasn’t until I met you… or it wasn’t until recently did I realize how bad it got. Do you know how ridiculous and pathetic this feels, feeling like the only thing in the world that truly belongs to you is the weather? It makes me feel so small. Worthless. Insignificant.” Seungmin smiles, although there’s this sour and conflicted twist to it that makes him worried. 

“Wait, when you met me? What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks. The younger blushes suddenly. 

If he wasn’t interested before, he certainly is now.

“I-it’s nothing. It just took me some time to realize that what I was doing was hurting me and that our relationship was starting to get unhealthy.” Seungmin stutters. His eyes are locked intently on the bottom of the takeout box in front of him, as if he’s all of a sudden intrigued by a stray piece of leftover chicken. A grin spreads unconsciously across Hyunjin’s face, and even after he realizes it’s there he can’t do anything to stop it. 

“You know, sometimes it’s really easy to tell when you’re lying.” He teases lightly, propping his chin up on his palm. 

“Wh- Hey, no it isn’t! And I’m not lying!” Seungmin scoffs, feigning the incredulous undertones. It only makes Hyunjin smile even more out of amusement, thoroughly enjoying the way the red spreads even further across the younger’s face.

“Mmhm, right. Continue.” Hyunjin drawls cheerfully. He’s pretty sure it looks like he’s squinting from how much his eyes are smiling, but he can’t bring himself to care. Seungmin huffs, his lips pouted like a petulant child.

“I guess,” He mutters hesitantly after a brief pause. “I guess after I met you, I felt different. Remember when we saw each other again, almost a year after the first time we met? I wasn’t lying then, you know. I really don’t get to talk to people on campus because it always feels like there’s a ticking time bomb that’s screaming at me to rush from one place to the next, and I haven’t made any friends in so long.” Seungmin says quietly, his voice almost a whisper.

“Except then I met you, and… I don’t know, it might’ve been a number of things. Maybe it was how easy it was to befriend you, or the way you were always so kind and warm to me, or the way you’d always be standing outside of the store every Friday, or how you were the first person to ever make me feel better after I felt like shit, but for the first time in my life it felt like I finally had _someone_ that belonged to me. Or at least finally there was a different person that I could exist for.” Seungmin pauses, the ambiguous smile on his face turning soft as he lowers his head to stare at the hand that Hyunjin still hasn’t bothered to move away from his.

“But you were comfortable to exist for. There weren't any strings tied to us. Even if we never could really _do_ things together, with just that room and the blanket on the floor and... just _you_ made me realize that you and other people were whole and complete in this way that I could never be. You were this whole other universe that made me feel so disconnected from the reality that I thought I knew because I just liked that feeling of someone being there for me so much it felt unrealistic.” Seungmin admits, almost as if he’s ashamed. Hyunjin listens in shock, his eyes wide. He doesn’t really know how to respond, even if he hates how shameful Seungmin sounds. “I’ve… I’ve never even had anyone to… listen to my problems before? Not until you and Felix. It was so nice and comforting, I never realized that there was a way to get that metaphorical weight off my chest.”

“That might be why I started thinking differently around Hyewon.” Seungmin laughs lightly despite how conflicted he seemed previously. “I never questioned myself before and never questioned how easily I tired myself out for her. We’re family after all. Even now- I mean, isn’t it only right to the edges of the earth for someone you care about? Hyewon was hurt, and I should be thankful that _any_ of my efforts are paying off because it seems like she’s getting better. But I still hated her, and somewhere along the lines I think I started to hate myself too. I had that taste of what I thought was freedom, and I couldn’t forget it. I thought that this was unreasonable, that it was unfair for me to have to work so hard for her. My jobs are for _her_ , this education will eventually pay me back so I can pay _her_ , I visit her so she can sleep well without nightmares and without any hallucinations, the list goes on. Do I ever get a break? Even if I never get to exist for myself, do I ever get a chance to stop?”

“And the worst part is that it isn’t her fault either. Even when I know she doesn’t mean to be like this, I _don’t have the willpower_ to be as patient as I used to. Then I get angry, and then I start blaming her, but then I remember I can’t blame her so I blame myself, which makes me angry, and the cycle continues. I don’t even know anymore, I’m just so fucking confused and exhausted.” Seungmin sighs finally, burying his face frustratedly into his hands. Hyunjin reaches across the table to gently pull them away from the younger’s face, smiling as sympathetically as possible. Seungmin thankfully returns the smile. 

“Hey, it’s okay, take a breath. And um… thanks for telling me all that. Really, I mean it.” Hyunjin says softly. 

“Heh, I’m not exactly the most normal if you haven’t noticed.” Seungmin says weakly “But I think I’m doing okay though, right? I’m ‘passing’ fine, whatever that means.”

But Seungmin being out of the ordinary kind of makes sense in a way. Seungmin’s gone through things that are anything but ordinary. Extraordinary is such a strange but oddly fitting way to describe him.

The word seems like it’s used in the wrong context a lot of the time, Hyunjin realizes. It’s always used to describe things that are grandiose, things that are big and tall and magnificent and egotistic. When really, extraordinary is just a word for Seungmin. He exists in a place outside of the ordinary. He isn’t grand or spectacular, he’s enamouring and dazzling in more quiet ways; whimsical and intriguing in a way that makes you want to study him after you’re finished staring. 

He’s a scientific phenomenon, like an occurrence that only happens once in a blue moon, because you don’t really run into a Kim Seungmin every single day. He’s bizzare and freakish and curious and _fascinating_ like that, because he makes Hyunjin want to be _Hyunjin_ instead of whatever character he’s given in a script. 

  
  


_______

The cold air on the way back home is inviting and crisp in the way that it is when he’s around Seungmin. He missed this feeling, this satisfying chill that swallowed them up like an ocean. The two of them are back to doing normal things again, like making pit stops at playgrounds they shouldn’t be allowed on and taking turns balancing on the sides of sidewalk curbs. Like the cold air, this familiar feeling that Seungmin brings with him is welcoming.

And it’s nice because they’re back to talking about mundane things again. It’s like that week of emptiness between the two never happened. Hyunjin listens like he always does to Seungmin’s 2 AM thoughts on questionable baking recipes that he wants to try and Seungmin laughs at all of Hyunjin’s nonsensical jokes with the same nasally laugh. 

“Have you ever dated before?” 

Hyunjin stops dead in his tracks, his mind blanking. The panic that he’s starting to feel is comedically contrasted by how nonchalant Seungmin’s question is, the younger continuing to meander forward without even realizing that Hyunjin is frozen behind him. 

“Um, kind of, a long time ago. Why’d you ask.” Hyunjin coughs out awkwardly. Seungmin continues, his voice still innocent and unknowing.

“I don’t know, Felix won’t stop talking about this one guy he’s obsessed with, so it’s starting to rub off on me.” He chuckles lightly. 

“Actually, Hyewon got me thinking about it too. It’s kinda scary to think about; liking or caring about someone so much you’d do anything for them. Somewhere along the lines, you both get twisted and ugly on the inside. I guess it just makes me really hate the idea of getting into a relationship.” Seungmin muses, almost to himself. He turns to Hyunjin suddenly, and he feels the need to straighten his back and keep his eyes forward.

“What was it like for you? You know, dating someone.” The younger asks, his eyes wide and curious. It’s odd, it’s not exactly like Seungmin is holding a knife to his throat and threatening him to spill all of his incredibly riveting tales of romance (read: literally one dating experience), but he still can’t help but feel nervous.

“It was… just some girl I liked back in high school. We uh, we never had the official titles and everything, but we went on a date here or there. We don’t really keep in touch.” Hyunjin mutters. “What about you?”

Seungmin snorts, as if that was the funniest thing he had ever said to him (which is mildly offensive, seeing as Hyunjin likes to think that he’s got a pretty good sense of humor and has likely cracked better jokes before).

“Nope. Honestly, I don’t even remember half of my entire academic career, pretty lackluster if you ask me. It was fine in the end, but Felix still thinks that it’s, like, the worst crime you could commit. He tried to set me up with a guy the other day, but it didn’t end up working anyways.” Seungmin says passively. Hyunjin chokes on air at that.

Well, he certainly wasn’t expecting that.

“Fuck- Sorry, what?” He coughs, clearing his throat unnecessarily loudly. Seungmin raises an eyebrow.

  
“Uh yeah, it didn’t work out. It’s not like everyone has as much game as you, Hwang - I’m a popular and ridiculously attractive actor - Hyunjin. Although I probably shouldn’t say that; Chan warned me not to stroke your ego before.” He replies. 

And fucking hell, Hyunjin’s never felt more humiliated. He keeps stumbling over his words, coughing unnecessarily loudly, and now Seungmin just called him attractive. He feels the sudden urge to turn into one of the puddles that are forming on the curbside.

But also, Seungmin got set up with a GUY before, which doesn’t necessarily mean anything but still, and he just called him ATTRACTIVE, which AGAIN doesn’t MEAN anything but STILL.

“You… think I’m uh, attractive?” Hyunjin asks as slyly as he can, his voice instead coming off as weirdly low pitched and crackly. The younger looks like he’s trying to stop himself from laughing.

“Take it as more of an objective statement rather than a compliment.” Seungmin chuckles, side-eying him. 

The younger starts joking about Hyunjin’s dating life, how he’ll have a platter of people served up to him wherever he goes because apparently he’s just that magnetic. Seungmin’s giving him nothing but joking praise, yet even throughout the comedic ambiance that the boy is trying to create, the only thing that Hyunjin can feel is pain. Pain at how alone he really feels in this job, pain at how much he really can’t bring himself to care about the people he works with, pain at how much it fucking sucks to listen to Seungmin pair him up with a bunch of imaginary people he’s never met when all Hyunjin could want in the world was to be paired with _him._

And maybe it’s because he’s done with learning how to be genuinely in love with Seungmin so he can play pretend on screen. Maybe the characters that he plays are finally rubbing off on him and he can’t stop himself from doing something that’s ridiculous and stupid and cheesy and _any_ other word for a really bad decision, but….

“We’re here.” Seungmin says softly, looking up at the door they’re standing in front of. 

… the atmosphere is perfect. There’s a clear, dark sky littered with stars staring down at them, the air is silent, and it’s just the two of them, left together in this lonely, lonely city. The idea already feels like a bad project proposal sitting bitterly on the end of his tongue, and yet he knows that even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

“This feels like something you’d probably act out.” Seungmin says dryly, the hint of a smile threatening to spill across his face. “You’ve probably done something like this before. A lady is standing here, and you’re either head over heels and about to confess, or you’re a fucking idiot and you turn her down because she isn’t the female lead.”

“Shut up.”

Seungmin blinks in surprise and turns to him, taken aback by Hyunjin’s serious tone.

“Excuse me?”

“Just shut up. Stop… stop talking about who I’m going to date. Stop talking about those people like you know for sure I’m gonna bone them. Stop making it sound like I’ve got all of this game that I don’t have.” Hyunjin stammers quietly, nervously. His body tenses up, and he can’t bring his eyes away from the concrete ground beneath him.

  
“Hyunjinnie, I-”

“I like you, Seungmin.” He blurts suddenly. 

And this frozen feeling that he gets feels so familiar, so _fitting_ in this moment, and he can’t help but think that the world always presses pause whenever he’s around the younger. These few seconds in time are no different, the brevity of the situation feels like it spans a short eternity instead. He’s finally worked up the courage to look Seungmin dead in the eye, and he’s briefly reminded of how easily he had fallen for his soft brown gaze; how quickly he learned to love the complete stranger he had met on some dark street during his darkest hours.

“I...I really, really like you. A lot. And I have for a really long time.”

But then the indifferent expression on Seungmin’s face shifts, and the world’s record player resumes. He hears the evening sounds of the city loud in his ear again, the uncomfortably vivid feeling of the wind battering against their freezing faces. The younger’s eyebrows furrow, his jaw tightens, and his eyes start to get glassy. There’s no way to describe the expressions that are evolving over the younger’s face because it’s like there’s just _too many_ faces to explain. There’s happiness at first, but it disappears before Hyunjin can even blink, as if Seungmin just couldn’t stop the feeling from coming over his face before he hid it. Fear then follows, with anxiety and then anger trailing close behind. 

It’s not until Seungmin stumbles backward does Hyunjin begin to worry, start to contemplate if he just did something very, _very_ bad; something that would be catastrophic for their relationship. What if he’d been reading all of these signs the wrong way? The casual touches that felt a little more intimate than they should have been, the whispered words that held more weight than anything else he had ever heard before, the short moments where it felt like they could see tiny miracles inside of each other's eyes,

  
Were all of those little moments between the two of them meaningless?

And he can’t help but let his heart breaks a little (a lot) when he sees the sadness and the regret that’s looking back at him. Seungmin looks like he’s trying not to cry, and even with all of his willpower Hyunjin can’t stop himself from stepping forward to hold the younger.

Except Seungmin stumbles back even further, holding a sleeve up to his head to hide his face.

“Seungmin?” Hyunjin calls weakly, reaching out with a limp arm. The younger flinches backwards, and he does the same, as if he’s been burned. “...Seungminnie?”

“No, stop.”

He pulls his arm down, his eyes slightly red, and there’s tear streaks marking the sides of his face. 

“Y-you can’t just… tell me all of those things… and then hurt me like this.” Seungmin replies shakily, his voice frail and pained.

“Wait, Seungmin-”

And then he’s gone, just as quickly as he had come back into his life.

It hurts. 

This sudden loneliness that comes over him.

And the guilt too, because Seungmin has been on the verge of tears before but he’s never cried. At least not until now. Even worse, Hyunjin’s the reason for it.

He thought that finally seeing the boy again would make him happy, help him stop feeling so restless.

But now, after that short taste of what it was like to have Seungmin back in his life, to see him run away again hurt him more than he could ever imagine. He’s confused and he’s in shock and he’s starting to panic and this _hurts more than he expected._

Especially after he had just confessed.

  
  
  


_________

  
  
  


“All right, NOPE, that’s enough. Give me that. Get back on your ass and stop fucking around.”

Felix is seething, sternly hauling Hyunjin back onto the couch with a rough tug of the arm before snatching the bottle away from him.

“Give it back, I wanna be drunk mannn.” Hyunjin whines, making grabby hands at the bottle like a petulant child. Felix strides back to the kitchen and makes a point of slamming the refrigerator door ridiculously loudly after stuffing all of the alcohol away from him.

“Uh, you’re acting like you’re already drunk, you sad excuse for a human. Also, it’s, like, barely an hour past noon. Get a grip.” Felix replies with a pinched expression. “You haven’t even drank anything but if a police officer saw you in a car right now, you’d be locked up.”

When Hyunjin tries to stand up again, Felix holds him down, bracing his shoulders with surprisingly large amounts of force. When he finally stops struggling, the younger lets out a noise of content, stepping back a step to give him some room before placing his hands on his hips frustratedly.

“Why is it,” Felix says slowly and accusingly. “That every time you run into the _slightest_ inconvenience in your life, you run away and guzzle a pitcher full of hard liquor. You should be god fucking thankful that Seungmin is out right now, ‘cause if you saw you right now, oh lord.”

“Because that’s the best form of problem solving I have.” Hyunjin mutters, picking at a stray piece of string that’s sticking out from the sofa beneath him to avoid Felix’s squinting eyes. He feels like he’s being scolded by his mother or something, with Felix acting all imposing and scrutinizing, and he doesn’t like it. It’s a dramatic shift from Felix’s classic happy-go-lucky attitude.

Damnit, all he wanted was to see if Seungmin was here.

Maybe if he were smarter and didn’t announce that Seungmin had rejected him before waltzing into Felix’s apartment, he would’ve had a better chance of actually downing a drink. Of course, Hyunjin’s long term planning skills aren’t quite there yet, so here he is.

“Oh stop acting like a child, you can’t just turn to bottles every time you want to forget something. He turned you down; Okay, so _what_? You did nothing wrong, you did what you had to do - you did what you WANTED to do, and you can move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea or whatever.” The younger declares.

“It wasn’t whatever though.”

Felix stops, his eyes widening slightly in surprise at just how small Hyunjin’s voice sounds as he stops himself from talking. 

“I...I thought… I really thought he liked me back.” Hyunjin muttered meekly. “I just thought that everything would work out in the end. Maybe I was too affectionate, or too unrealistic, or maybe I was reading everything wrong. I just… missed him so much and everything came out before I could stop myself from opening my mouth. I fucked up, I didn’t want to tell him that way. Or maybe I did. I remember thinking that the timing was right, but every time I think back to it I only feel regret. There weren’t even that many words but they still came out too fast.”

There’s absolute silence for a few seconds before Felix sits down beside him and pulls him into a close hug, resting their chins resting on each other’s shoulders.

“You like him a lot, don’t you. More than I realized.” He whispers, patting the back of his head soothingly. 

And all of a sudden, it’s like some emotional threshold is reached and the mental gates inside of his head are opened to let the words and emotions flow freely. He can’t quite bring himself to cry; despite how much it hurts him every time he remembers how Seungmin had looked with watery streaks against his face, the tears just won’t come. He lets himself talk instead, letting the limits he places on his words disappear and not forcing himself to elaborate on anything he doesn’t feel is necessary.

“He said I hurt him.” Hyunjin mumbled quietly, his voice shaking and tired. “I don’t know how, but he said I hurt him. And then he just… left. Even after all that time I spent waiting for him. I thought we were on speaking terms again, and I didn’t understand why that made me so happy even though I didn’t know why we never talked for an entire week. I don’t know how him knowing about my feelings hurt him, but it just made me regret telling him so much.”

Felix sighs, moving backwards to grab a tissue, dabbing at the tears that he didn’t know were forming on the sides of his eyes. The younger smiles at him warmly, tilting his head downwards to get a better view of Hyunjin’s face.

“I’m sorry I was rough with you. I get it, this means a lot to you. I think it’s just the best friend senses that are getting in the way - I care about Seungmin more than you, after all. But you haven’t dated anyone past high school, and even worse - or better - you’ve never felt this strongly about someone. I know that you want to feel better, and I want that to, but you have to trust me when I say that _this."_ Felix gestures vaguely at his figure. "Isn’t the way to do it. You need a better way to find remedies to your problems and maps to your miracles, and I can tell you for sure that there certainly aren’t any shooting stars in beer cans.” 

In this quiet and enigmatic atmosphere, he finally feels a bit more at peace with himself. There isn’t any pressure on his chest. It’s just silence, him, Felix, and these fragmented memories of a brown haired boy that he’s come to love too much for his own good.

“You’re still such an idiot.” The younger chuckles after a few minutes of soaking up each other's presence. Hyunjin frowns and pulls back.

“I’m emotionally unstable right now, asshole. Now is not the best time.” Hyunjin pouts.

‘You’re still the same stupid kid, you know?” Felix continues in amusement, laughing at the way the older's nose scrunches up. “I remember just how many escapades you’ve had in your wasted rants, and I can confirm that you haven’t changed a bit. You’re still the same kid who’d chew tin foil ‘cause you thought it’d give you superpowers, the same kid who peed himself in front of the class ‘cause you were too caught up in a meaningless game of tag to use the washroom during recess, and you’re still the kid who traded university for parental ignorance and a mediocre acting career.”

Before Hyunjin can reply to this uncalled for attack on his reputation, because seriously, he’s ABSOLUTELY offended that Felix is bringing up these BASELESS accusations right now, the younger cuts him off.

“You’re still the same stupid kid that half-heartedly dated your first and only high school sweetheart without a care in the world.” Felix says, almost knowingly. “You never liked her too much, I think you mainly did it for the experience. She probably knew you liked her too, but maybe you had a silver spoon down your throat ever since you came out the womb, or maybe there’s just some fairy godmother that follows you around wherever you go because that girl still liked you back _unconditionally_. Her heart still broke when you dumped her, and no matter how guilty you felt, she probably wasn’t as lucky as you.”

He smiles, grabbing Hyunjin’s hand and rubbing calming, feathery patterns over it.

“I’m glad you met someone like Seungmin, someone who’s willing to say no to you no matter how hard it is. You’re too likeable to let someone NOT have a crush on you, Hyunjinnie. You do stupid things for stupid reasons, but for some reason people just keep running back to you because they can’t help themselves. Seungmin did too you know.” Felix’s chuckles when he sees how Hyunjin’s eyes widen, how his cheeks flush. “You might think you were the only one pining, but when you looked away, his eyes would be locked on you and nowhere else. It looked exactly like one of the drama’s you acted in. Never thought I’d seen it in real life.”

When Hyunjin finally gathers the courage to look up again, for a short second he feels at peace, or at least he’s doing something right for the first time in a while. Felix is smiling so brightly now, as if every feature of his face is upturned and exuding content. He almost looks proud, and yet there’s this underlying worry and sadness to his expression, like he’s familiar with the things that he’s trying to communicate to Hyunjin.

“What do I do?” Hyunjin asks quietly. “I’m just… so confused, and not just because of Seungmin.”

“There’s a difference between someone not liking you versus rejecting you, you know. And… I don’t think he rejected you because he didn’t like you back.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?”

Felix sighs, the frustration returning to his face. He pauses, seemingly lost deep in thought as he contemplates with himself before opening his mouth reluctantly.

“Do you wanna know how I’ve been trying to get Seungmin to be more… socially active recently?”

  
  


_

  
  
  


What time is it?

Actually, what even is time anymore?

These are the things that Seungmin likes - nay, can’t _stop_ himself from thinking about near closing times. The current topic is 'time', and he comes to the startling conclusion that time doesn’t exist and is just a social construct made by the design of top one percent (wow, what an innovative idea!).

Here’s the thing, after years of taking the night shift at the convenience store (actually, excruciatingly-early-in-the-morning shift makes more sense), Seungmin’s body has become accustomed to being energized and ready to work during the time where the night turns to day in the earliest hours of morning.

On the other hand, the bakery is interesting in that he actually doesn’t need to stay that late. Felix takes the morning shift, which goes all the way until the afternoon, and Seungmin switches off with him right after he finishes classes that day until around an hour or so before midnight. It’s a nice change of pace, except his body is having a seriously difficult time adjusting. By six or seven in the evening, he’s absolutely spent, nodding off while he’s trying to knead batter or (badly) decorate a cake. 

His coworker has already left, and the empty and silent atmosphere he’s swimming in feels like a convenient blanket that’s come to wrap him up in a bundle of exhaustion and fatigue. Now is totally is a good time to start dozing off, right?

And so unsurprisingly, as he’s waiting for these damn brownies to finish baking, he dozes off with his head on the counter. The warm waves pulsating off of the appliance and the chocolate undertones that waft through the dry air do little to help how badly he wants to close his eyes.

_

  
  


Seungmin wakes up when the bakery is lit by moonlight, the ebony walls and floor highlighted by stars and milky galaxy paint. He rubs his eyes blearily, feeling both a bit disoriented and a bit...warm?

As he comes to, he feels a blanket wrapped around him, the cloth weighing down lightly on his frame. 

At least at first he thinks it’s just a blanket. Instead, when he comes to his senses, he finds his face planted smack dab in the center of someone’s chest. One of the taller’s arms is wrapped protectively around his shoulders, keeping the blanket secured around him while the other is busy tapping away at his phone.

“Hyunjinnie?” Seungmin grumbles groggily, unintentionally snuggling closer to him as he mutters unintelligible nonsense into the thin fabric of his shirt. Hyunjin makes a small noise of surprise before chuckling and gently petting his hair.

“Morning, sunshine. I came to pick you up. I found you asleep in the back on one of the desks, so I brought you out here to make you a bit more...comfortable. And I locked up the store for you too. You gotta be more careful in the future Seung, makes it easier for creeps like me to sneak in.” He grins cheekily. 

Seungmin mumbles in a half-assed attempt at a reply. He can’t help himself; this warmth feels just like before, when he was standing in front of the oven, except it's _so much better_. It’s soft and fuzzy and wraps around him making him feel so safe and small and it feels _familiar._ In all honesty, he barely even registers the arm around him, nor does he care about the identity of the guy who he’s practically cuddling with right now. All he knows is that this guy is comfortable, so his common sense and logic can jump off a bridge for all he cares, peer pressure and all.

So when he DOES finally come to his senses (or when he finally realizes who he’s nuzzling), he makes a dramatic show of jumping back as far as he can in surprise while letting out a distressed yelp.

Except his attempt at putting space between him and Hyunjin utterly fails when his foot catches on the edge of a chair, landing him on the floor with his arms splayed out like a starfish and accompanied by an unsatisfying thump as his back hits the ground.

Smooth.

Ignoring the mildly caught off guard but still amused expression on the older’s face, Seungmin power-walks back to the counter, his arms held firmly at his sides and his eyes trained on the old tiling on the ground to hide the blush that is undoubtedly blooming across his face.

“Still ignoring me?” Hyunjin says softly, his voice joking yet cautious at the same time as he approaches Seungmin on the other side of the table. The younger does his best to occupy himself with the cash register, the pastry displays, _anything_ he can get his hands on because he’s just so out of it and can’t even remember what he has to do right now. Is he closing? Does he have to prepare anything else for tomorrow? What time is it? Why is it already three in the morning? Was he really out for that long?

And also, what the hell is Hyunjin doing here?

Apparently, he says that last thought out loud, and it only spurs another laugh from the older.

“Like I said, I’m here to pick you up.” He smiles easily.

“I can go home by myself.”  
  


“You know you can’t.”

“Felix normally picks me up.” Seungmin sputters. Hyunjin shakes his head, almost triumphantly. 

God, if Hyunjin’s face wasn’t that cute, he would have totally punched him.

“Well, we both know Felix is out with the stomach flu, so here I am, your knight in shining armour.” The older catches his lie easily. He makes a mental reminder to suffocate Felix when he gets home and to teach him how totake a fucking hint.

With that, Hyunjin nonchalantly reaches over the counter and wipes away a stray dab of whipped cream from the side of Seungmin’s lips. 

Fuck, fuck, _fuck._

The gesture is quick, over in a matter of seconds, but like with almost every interaction with Hyunjin he finds himself watching everything happen in slow motion, as if some sick part of him wants to enjoy this moment and draw it out for as long as possible.

If his face wasn’t red before, he probably looks like a fucking tomato now. He’s supposed to be AVOIDING this asshole, not let him touch him and make him all flustered and stupidly enamoured.

Even more, it doesn’t help that Hyunjin looks criminally good right now. Not that he doesn’t look effortlessly put together most hours of the day of course, but with the way that loose fitting white tee hangs elegantly on his shoulders and how snug those black jeans fit against his thighs, Hyunjin looks positively ethereal in this lunar lighting. It doesn’t even look like the older _tried_ to look good, he just _does._ Looking good is simply a permanent state of existence for Hwang Hyunjin, apparently.

Or at the very least, he looks good in comparison to the work pants and dirty apron that Seungmin is wearing. Suddenly, he’s feeling a lot more self conscious. 

So like always, Seungmin looks away, trying to hide himself from the boy that makes him heat up, the boy that’s been stuck in his head for the past week like a repetitive song. The memories themselves repeat like a broken record too. the way Hyunjin’s face twisted in despair when he ran away is imprinted into his brain like hot iron branding, and it's as if his heartbroken expression is a reoccurring dream that he's forced to watch over and over again in the rare hours he gets some sleep.

Even thinking about Hyunjin’s confession made his insides twist both beautifully yet strangely. He hated how much his heart had stuttered, how many flips his stomach had taken, how much he _liked_ that feeling of knowing that this boy who made his heart flutter might have swallowed a butterfly too.

He hated how much it hurt him when he realized that this boy who he thought finally belonged to _him_ actually belonged to the entire world.

But even with how ugly he feels on the inside, how painful looking at Hyunjin is-

“Can we talk?” The older boy asks tentatively, reaching out again, this time to gently clasp one of Seungmin’s hands in his. His tone is careful and curious rather than nervous. “About…. I don’t know. About everything.”

\- Seungmin realizes just how bad he has it. Hyunjin could rip his heart out and tear it to a million shreds before mailing one piece to every person in the country, and he’d still never be able to say no to him.

“Let me change into something less suffocating.” He mumbles.

  
  


_____

  
  


And this is how Seungmin ends up sitting across from the boy that it seems like he’s always trying to avoid, not because he dislikes him but because he likes him too much. There’s a few pastries and two glasses of iced espresso between him and Hyunjin on the table, but none of the food in front of them compare to the sweetness in the older’s smile.

Which does nothing to help Seungmin’s hammering chest.

He doesn’t understand how Hyunjin can still grin at him like this, how easily the boy can sustain the one-sided conversation that Seungmin is trying so desperately to keep bleak and plain. It’s like he’s willing to pretend that the previous week never existed, and for a second Seungmin almost believes him.

Except he can’t, because _of course_ Seungmin is just too bad at forgetting things, particularly when Hyunjin is involved. 

These barriers, these prickly barbed wires that he keeps around his heart, are what he uses to convince himself that this is for his own safety. 

And so eventually, even the bland replies come to a stop, leaving the two of them suspended in an uncomfortable purgatory of silence as Hyunjin makes numerous attempts to keep their interaction afloat. He lets out a frustrated sigh after Seungmin refuses to open his mouth, the younger playing absentmindedly with the straw of his coffee as he stares into it like a bottomless brown abyss. 

“Why do you keep doing this, Seungminnie?” Hyunjin finally asks, his head falling limp in an almost defeated manner. “Why do you keep ignoring me?”

When he finally sees just how tired Hyunjin also looks, how small and pleading his voice sounds, the resolve that Seungmin can barely muster cracks a bit. Still, he keeps the mildly aloof and neutral facade, replying evenly and calmly despite how much his voice feels like it’ll crack. 

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” He replies weakly. Hyunjin scoffs.

“At least the first time you did this, you were honest.”

“What, am I not allowed to reject you?” He asks hotly. Hyunjin raises his head again, the smile back on his face. It’s less blinding than before though, the sides stiffer along with a bitter quirk of the lips.

“I was so ready, you know. Nobody ever made me feel like this. Nobody ever made me nervous or blush or laugh or fucking want to _cry_ like you did. It wasn’t until the first time I thought you might’ve looked at me in a special way did I realize how much I liked you.” He says suddenly. Seungmin stays silent, unable to stop his eyes from widening slightly.

“I would’ve never blamed you for saying no to me. I still don’t. But I just… I don’t know. I had this feeling in my gut that you might’ve liked me back, maybe just a little. I didn’t want to tell you the way it happened, but it just came out because I couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take hearing you talk about us like we were some impossible thing that could never happen.” Hyunjin says, almost angrily. “I’m used to rejection, but to me, it’s always been a one-way street kind of deal. Whenever a company turned down my audition or when a director didn’t want me to play a role, it was simply because they didn’t want me. There wasn’t any other catch.”

The anger in Hyunjin’s voice fades near the end, shifting into something that resembles sadness laced with traces of nostalgia and happiness. It’s enamoring to Seungmin, how the older boy can recount these seemingly negative events so honestly and kindly, but then again, most things about Hyunjin can keep Seungmin in a trance.

“But… someone helped me realize that rejection isn’t always that simple. Maybe it is during casting for a show or series, but in real life it’s a bit different.”

Hesitantly, Hyunjin reaches across the table to clasp one of Seungmin’s cold hands, the one that doesn’t have a death grip on the cup of iced espresso he’s nursing. 

And _god_ does Seungmin want to rip his hand away, to soothe it from the burning sensation that crawls across his skin in the most delightful way possible when the palms of their hands touch, but he can’t. It’s too enticing, and he hates himself for how easily his self control dissolves when a certain Hwang Hyunjin is involved.

“So… just answer me honestly, _please_ , and i fucking hope that whatever I’m assuming is wrong, but did you turn me down because you don’t like me, or because of something else? Was I really just the pining idiot in our weird little drama? Did I read all the signs wrong?

It’s a ridiculous notion, that he can’t like Hyunjin back, but his fear and anxiety is always logical, and maybe he’s just trying to convince himself that this idea of being unable to date the older is stupid because some little part of him wants so _badly_ to believe that it’s true.

“Idiot…” Seungmin mumbles quietly after a small and suffocating eternity. “I’m letting you hold my hand now, aren’t I? Even if I rejected you, I don’t think I’d ever be able to downright say no to you.”

And with how bright, how _genuine_ , Hyunjin’s smile is now, it’s almost enough for Seungmin to forget how hesitant and scared he had felt after he ran away from the older that night. For a few seconds, as the tension in the air shifts to comfort, Seungmin lets himself feel guilty as he basks in the unadulterated attention and warmth that Hyunjin is radiating.

It seems like the older is feeling the same thing, for he lets the two of them sit without any words exchanged anymore; no haphazard attempts at conversation or desperate trials of maintaining friendship. They both enjoy this feeling too much after feeling like they’ve been walking on eggshells around each other for so long, and Seungmin doesn’t even try to complain when Hyunjin leads them outside, never letting go of his hand.

It isn’t until they reach the bus stop does Hyunjin finally say something again.

“So why did you say no?”

Seungmin looks back to him, their fingers still linked together. He hates how sudden the break in silence feels, but he can’t keep avoiding Hyunjin like this anymore.

“It’s stupid…” He replies, his voice barely above a whisper. .

“All the better.” The older grins. He can’t stop the scoff that leaves his mouth.

“Because,” Seungmin starts, a dry and bitter chuckle leaving his mouth. His voice is quiet, like he can’t bring himself to hear the words that he’s saying. “I was hurt. It’s just… it’s like I said, you were this one thing in my life that felt like it belonged entirely to me.”

The grip around his hand tightens wonderfully, the sensation rushing the blood in his body to his arms. It makes him feel all light and fuzzy, the way Hyunjin’s paying attention to him like he’s some rare jewel found nowhere else on planet earth. It’s completely conflicting with what Seungmin had just said, and the next laugh that leaves his mouth is only genuine for how ironic he finds it.

“But then I found out about what you do for a living, why you’ve all of a sudden been on all of the screens that I walk by ever since I began avoiding you, and it sucked. I wasn’t - I _couldn’t_ be mad at you. I had no reason to, and even if I did, I’d never be able to bring myself to be angry with you. And honestly, at first I was fine. I thought it’d be unrequited, like whatever the second lead feels in romcoms and TV shows. I thought I was the only one pining, and that I’d be able to get over it after enough time. It would’ve been difficult,” Seungmin smiles, turning completely to Hyunjin now, his hands letting go of the older’s. “So difficult. You made it that way for me, Hyunjinnie. It’s so fucking hard to pretend like nothing ever mattered to me, that you were just some vague memory that wasn't important to me, but I would’ve been able to forget you eventually.”

“Except I couldn’t. You told me you liked me, _liked me back_ , and for a second I was so, so happy.” Seungmin grinned. “But then I remembered. There’s so many eyes on you Hyunjinnie.” 

The smile on his face disappears. “So many people who love you, _idolize_ you. You had just told me that you belonged to the entire world, and it felt like I lost this one thing that was finally all mine. I think that’s why it hurt so much more when you confessed to me.” 

Hyunjin has stopped smiling too, his arms limp at his sides and his shoulders slumped. There’s a blank expression on his face, or rather he might be hiding the emotions that he’s actually feeling. 

“I turned you down because I was hurt.” Seungmin repeats quietly. “It had nothing to do with anything you did to me, it was all just me. I just… couldn’t be happy if I knew that this one thing in my life that I thought was mine belonged to so many people, and because of that I’d never be able to make you happy either. You’re so kind, Hyunjinnie. You deserve better than a fatigued and morally questionable mess of whatever the hell I’ve become.” He can’t stop the breathless giggle that leaves his mouth, the sound more as a way to defuse the tension in the air and the sadness that’s slowly bubbling inside of him. He keeps the grin on his mouth, his eyes still turned upwards. He wants this to be easy for both of them, but mostly because he doesn’t want Hyunjin to feel hurt or betrayed.

“Do you like me?” Hyunjin asks suddenly.

The silence that follows is more than enough of an answer.

“I can’t completely turn you down like this, you know.” Seungmin sighs defeatedly. “I’d feel like shit.”

When he finally has the courage to look up, he can’t quite make out the look on Hyunjin’s face. His eyes are swimming with mirth, and it’s a weird amalgamation of confusion but also realization, like there’s been this massive puzzle that was being constructed in Hyunjin’s brain this entire time that had finally been completed.

He’d explore the expression further, but in the moment, all he can think about is how alluring Hyunjin’s eyes are.

Which isn’t what he wants to be feeling right now.

“So please, tell me that you’re okay with me rejecting you, for real this time, because I don’t think I have the willpower to do it by myself.” Seungmin asks quietly. He lets Hyunjin hold his arms again, letting his head fall against the older’s shoulder as if he can’t bear to meet his gaze when Hyunjin says that it’s alright. The silence, the _judgement_ , that follows afterwards is deafening.

“No.”

“What?”

Seungmin looks up, his mouth slightly agape in surprise. Hyunjin had been so quiet this entire time, and he almost took it as a silent agreement to everything he was saying.

Except apparently he’s either really bad at reading people or Hyunjin’s just horrible at understanding social cues, because the next second the older is leaning back to cup his face, his hands gently cradling his jaw. 

Hyunjin is so bold right now, his movements assured and confident as if he knows exactly what to do and exactly how this is making Seungmin feel. He knew it was a bad decision to admit that he liked Hyunjin back (and he literally didn’t even tell him??), but at the same time maybe it wasn’t the worst conclusion that he could have come to, if the butterflies in his stomach were any indication of that. 

“You’re selfish,” Hyunjin whispers teasingly, his eyes mischievous and loving and full of so much _warmth_ that it makes Seungmin want to _cry._ “Keeping things from me, but also yourself. I like you, and you like me. I want to date you, and I think you feel the same way, no matter how much you keep trying to convince yourself otherwise. Give me a chance, just one, to convince you.”

“N-no!” Seungmin yelps nervously, but despite how opposed he tries to seem, he can’t bring himself to move too much, afraid that Hyunjin might put down his hands. He can’t bring himself to admit that he likes how safe he suddenly feels, how light he feels with all of those negative emotions from just a few seconds ago erased by merely Hyunjin’s touch.

“Then give us some time. I can wait.” The older replies quietly. “Just… think about it. I won’t force you to do anything.”

With that, the bus turns around the corner, and Hyunjin moves his hands down to Seungmin’s shoulders, his gaze still hooded and kind. 

He can’t bring himself to look away, not even when Hyunjin leans in to press the softest kiss against his hair.

As the vehicle begins to drive down the street, Seungmin finds himself unable to tear his gaze away from the silhouette standing at the bus stop, Hyunjin’s smile still bright and visible despite the darkness of the city’s slumber. 

  
  


____

  
  
  


“What do you mean you set me up with someone?!”

Seungmin shrieks into the phone, ignoring the panicked reassurances spilling from Felix on the other end. This is quite possibly the _worst_ turn of events that this evening could have taken.

_“Oh my GOD, WHY are you freaking out, it literally isn’t a big deal, no need to get so excited.”_ Felix jokes despite how anxious his voice sounds. 

“Shut up, I am NOT excited. I am the OPPOSITE of excited right now; you’re gonna give me a heart attack. And why won’t you even tell me who they are! What the hell happened to consent and getting people’s permission before making decisions for them?! I mean it’s not exactly like you cared about permission before, but this crossing, like, seven different lines. Go suck a dick.” Seungmin replies in a high pitched and nasally tone. He’s beyond annoyed at this point, and if he looked at himself in the mirror right now he’s sure that there’d be smoke pouring out of his head like some bizarrely animated Disney character. It wouldn’t be a surprise if the customers in the bakery could hear him from in the janitor’s closet.

_“I actually do have a dick appointment in five-ish minutes so I gotta go soon. And this is different! It’s a blind date, telling you who it is will just ruin the fun.”_ Felix croons cheerfully. The sound of a hairdryer gently blowing in the background is mockingly loud in his ear. _“And seriously, calm down. Trust me, he’s a nice guy. Weird, but nice. He’s uh… I know I said this about the last one too, but he’s just your type? Should be. I don’t know, I just got a feeling about this one. It’s a miracle waiting to happenokaybyeChangbinishere-”_

There’s a final click followed by a long beep that permeates the eerily quiet atmosphere of the closet, the ominous sound almost akin to some terrifying audio cue in a horror movie that’s marking Seungmin’s execution. He doesn’t even get a final word before Felix ghosts him, and he’s left twice as confused, angry, and emotionally volatile as he was two minutes ago.

What a wonderful way to end off this shift.

And because Seungmin is a stubborn brat, he petulantly decides that no, he ISN’T going to ruin an already exceedingly average evening by going on a date with some stranger. 

Especially when Hyunjin is still on his mind, like a stupidly catchy song that gets stuck in his head. His voice is on repeat in his ears, and it’s like his face is tattooed on the back of his eyelids every time he closes them.

He puts in the extra effort when he’s making the macaron batter so that a little bit of dough splatters just enough to stain his apron more, and _maybe_ he sneezes a bit too hard when he was making the banana bread just so that the flour powders his nose slightly. The last batch (unfortunately) gets contaminated with all of his bodily fluids, but it’s a necessary sacrifice to get his point across. If he’s going to turn this guy down, he’s going to make sure he looks revolting enough for them to regret coming into this godforsaken bakery in the first place (which shouldn’t be hard seeing as he looks like shit most days anyways).

  
  


____

  
  
  


A momentary sense of serenity floods over Seungmin’s body when the clock hits twelve, marking the beginning of all of his twilight zone escapades. There’s only fifteen or so minutes until his shift is over, and if he’s lucky, he can bolt out of the bakery before this random mystery date waltzes in. 

(Also, what kind of date tries to take you out at midnight? That sounds more like a crime waiting to happen rather than some romantic getaway).

The bakery is almost empty at this point, save for the one old grandpa who frequents the establishment during the strangest hours of the day. He times his leaves precisely, leaving exactly six minutes before closing time on every Monday and Thursday of the week. It’s impressive, and it keeps Seungmin occupied for the last bit of the working shift as he busies himself with setting everything up in the back room for the next day.

There’s two ringings of the chime by the door in the next minute, one when the old man leaves and another when someone else walks in. An overwhelming feeling of dread fills his gut as he braces himself, preparing to deliver a few harsh and blunt words to Felix’s mystery man before walking home alone.

Taking a deep breath as he closes his eyes, he pushes through the door.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t know what Felix told you, but-”

His breath catches in the back of his throat when his gaze catches on a familiar pair of dark brown eyes, curling upwards into a satisfied but nervous eye smile. 

Hyunjin is standing awkwardly in the center of the bakery, dressed in all black with his hair styled upwards to show off his forehead. He’s shifting sheepishly back and forth between both legs as he holds out a bouquet of ambrosia and tulips and _fuck_ he looks adorable.

“Hey.” He says quietly, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Y-you… what are-” Seungmin stammers, his eyes widening as they dart between the older boy and the flowers. Hyunjin smiles softly, reaching forward to guide the younger's hands to their stems.

“I gave you some time. And… Felix thought you had given it enough thought too, heh.” He chuckles nervously. “Uh… surprise…?”

“Did Felix… are you supposed to be my date?” Seungmin asks. 

“Yes? Are you… disappointed?” Hyunjin asks back, unable to hide the slightly hurt undertones in his voice.

“Oh fuck no, that’s not what I meant.” He replies in panic, relief flooding his system when he sees Hyunjin settle. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.” 

A grin stretches tentatively across his face, and he can’t stop it from growing larger when Hyunjin returns a toothy smile.

“I’m also surprised. It’s a Saturday, Seungminnie. I was worried you wouldn’t be here.” He says as he takes a step forward, the faint smell of his cologne and washing detergent filling Seungmin’s senses. They’re standing so close at this point, the only thing keeping them apart being the bouquet that Seungmin is holding onto as if his life depends on it.

But Hyunjin is right. He shouldn’t be here right now; he should be at the hospital, taking care of Hyewon and stopping the nightmares that plague her sleep. Seungmin has people that he needs to take care of, not extra shifts that he signed himself up for.

He’s only visited Hyewon once ever since they fought, and that one time was charged with a cold atmosphere and blank stares. He remembered the distant, almost regretful look on her face, and he had a feeling that he probably looked quite similar. There haven’t been any calls between them ever since then either.

Except unlike before, he doesn’t feel any regret. The guilt and the remorse are still there, but it’s like these two people that are bonded for life are talking little steps away from each, slowly but surely separating like oil and water.

Like right now. He’s making a choice, the choice to skip this weekly checkup with Hyewon to make it bi-weekly instead so he can take an extra shift at the job he wants so desperately to keep, and not just because of her. Soon it’ll be monthly. Then maybe one day, Hyewon will be strong enough to realize that she can make it throughout the day without needing Seungmin by her side, and that permanent loneliness will be a good thing.

And even though he can’t quite forgive the things that he’s gone through for the past few years, the things that she had put him through, he wants to remember this better version of her instead. Rather than keeping the memory of the girl who told him to fetch her paycheques to pay her hospital bill, he’ll keep the fonder version of Hyewon who told him to fetch her pinecones to make her potions.

He still has unfinished business though, and he’s planning on changing that right now.

“Yeah, I’m… trusting Hyewon this time. I wanted this time to myself. Actually, I was a bit disappointed when I heard about this date when Felix called me. I thought I was gonna give up a night of freedom, but I think it’s convenient that it was you who showed up instead of some guy I didn’t have feelings for.” Seungmin giggled. The older draws in a sharp breath at the last sentence. 

“I thought about you a lot, Hyunjinnie.” He continued. Hyunjin’s eyes widen at Seungmin’s words, and suddenly he feels a hand wrapped around his. Unlike before though, it’s warm in a comforting way rather than making him nervous. It doesn't feel as scorching as it used to, and he lets himself enjoy how kind and sweet this gesture truly is rather than tearing Hyunjin’s hand away from him because he’s too afraid of feeling so much. 

“And um, about what you said. I just wanted to thank you, above all else. For being that one real thing in my life, that one thing in my life that finally belonged to me even if you actually belong to the whole world. I guess you could say that you’re the reason why I’m working a midnight shift at the bakery instead of sitting at the hospital.” Seungmin finishes quietly, hoping that his genuine feelings are shown in his voice, that Hyunjin understands what he's trying to convey. He fidgets quietly with the bouquet before he’s engulfed in Hyunjin’s arms, his face naturally finding a place against the taller’s shoulder.

“Don’t thank me, Seungminnie.” He chuckles. “I should be thanking you for giving me a place in your life.”

_______

They end up walking side by side outside in the more solemn streets of downtown once Seungmin changes into something more comfortable, the sounds of the city filling the ambiance between the two of them to keep them from falling into an awkward silence. The rhythmic passing of cars make the world seem rehearsed, and the unrelated and incoherent whispers from faceless people lock the two of them into a comforting dip in reality that feels purposefully crafted for just him and Seungmin. Hyunjin keeps trying to catch glances of him, smiling when he sees the younger’s eyes glued to the bouquet.

“You keep staring at them,” Hyunjin observes amusedly. “Were they really that great of an idea? I’ve got better tricks up my sleeve, you know.”

“I’ve never gotten flowers before. Hyewon was always the one to get them.” Seungmin smiles, whispering more to himself than to Hyunjin. “They’re pretty.”

“You’re prettier than any flower.” He replies cheekily. 

Yet despite the joking undertones of his little quip, he can’t seem to hide just how much he means those words, how much he thinks the beauty of a garden pales in comparison to a boy that doesn’t even need to try to look pretty. It's embarressing and cheesy and dumb in all the right ways, and Seungmin can't help but feel the same way, too flustered to give anything more than a flushed groan as he buries his head into the older’s shoulder to hide the red that’s undoubtedly marching up his face.

“This was kind of Felix’s idea, you know.” Hyunjin laughs. “He told me about the shitshow that Rowoon was, and I thought… that I should take you out on a proper date this time.”

He pauses, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to stand in front of Seungmin. He likes the way Hyunjin’s eyes look right now; unsure, a bit anxious, and so, so hopeful. It reminds Seungmin that he might not be the only one between the two of them that had been overthinking whatever _this_ was between the two of them. 

And unfortunately, he knows too well how he wants to answer. 

“What do you think about that?” Hyunjin asks quietly.

Tell him no. Tell him it’s an awful fucking idea.

“I’d really like that.”

Fuck wait go back. Rewind. ABORT.

This is NOT what he wanted to say to Hyunjin.

“I really like you too.” Hyunjin smiles before catching himself. “Wait- shit- I mean, like, I’d really like going on a date with you too. I don’t actually like you. Well I mean I do, 'cause I’m taking you on a - well I - because you know this is a date and all, but I don’t LIKE like you, well I mean I DO, it’s just….fuck you know what let’s start over. I’d really like that too.”

But after seeing Hyunjin get all nervous when in actuality it’s Seungmin’s whose heart is doing somersaults in his chest, for the first time in his life, he doesn’t mind how fragile his resolve can sometimes be.

A laugh naturally blossoms from Seungmin’s throat, and despite how grumbly and red Hyunjin is as he drags him away from the bakery with their fingers intertwined, he knows that the older is suppressing a smile as well.

  
  


_____

  
  
  


No matter how much past-Seungmin might criticize him for doing this, he has to admit that _being_ being with Hyunjin is pleasantly easy.

Or perhaps natural is the more accurate term to describe the dynamic between the two of them. It might be because the things that they say to each other sound exactly the same, but the air between them feels alive in a way that it never could have dreamed of being when they weren’t holding hands like this. 

Hyunjin takes him to a small hole-in-the-wall diner just a few minutes away from the bakery. It’s quaint and cozy, complete with the chipped walls and creaky steel chairs that feel cold in a way that buzzes you awake through your denim jeans. There’s barely anybody around them, only a drunk couple in the corner of the room and an old lady who’s busy frying something that looks suspiciously overcooked. Seungmin hopes it stays as empty as it is.

And Hyunjin seems to know this too. As long as nobody looks too closely, Hyunjin’s identity is aptly hidden, his attire unassuming and his face hidden by his hood. It’s nice, because even though the people in this restaurant don’t even care about them, the thought that only Seungmin can see the way Hyunjin smiles so sweetly, as they lean towards each other to chat quietly, is comforting. With the fatigue swimming in his body laced with the sugar highs of baked pastries that he sneaked throughout the day, he tricks himself into thinking that this smile of Hyunjin’s is only for him to see, even if for only a short while. He locks it away, stuffing it into a metaphorical treasure chest before swallowing the metaphorical key. 

At one point, Hyunjin lifts up a spoonful of food to Seungmin’s face, making an exaggerated ‘ah’ face as his lips curl upwards with impish intent. He can’t help himself but raise an eyebrow in curiosity, although he lets Hyunjin feed him easily.

“What’s that all about?” Seungmin asks as he chews, covering his mouth with one hand, the other one currently occupied as the older toys with his fingers.

“I don’t know if you’ll say yes to date number two, so I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I land that second proposal, no matter how cheesy I get or how much I have to humiliate myself.” Hyunjin grins, reaching across the table to gently wipe away a stray piece of rice from the edge of Seungmin’s mouth. The skin that he touched feels hot and fiercely alive even when Hyunjin pulls away.

“Wh-”

“Has anybody ever told you you have really pretty lips?” Hyunjin interjects, tilting his head in mock curiosity. There’s a mischievous glint to his eyes, as if he’s having fun stoking the burning sensation in Seungmin’s gut. “All of you is really pretty though.”

“Using the same tricks again… I thought you had something different up your sleeve or whatever.” Seungmin rolls his eyes. 

“Well, it’s cause I think you look the best when you’re blushing, and you blush a lot when I touch you.” He replies slyly, a smirk growing easily across his face. A cough erupts from Seungmin’s mouth at the sudden reply, and the coy look on Hyunjin’s face slips off easily before reverting back to the familiar, worried expression that is too genuine for his own good.

  
“Shit, wait, I’m sorry, was that too much? I was joking. Fuck wait, Seungmin I take it back- n-NOT the y'ou being cute when you’re blushing' part cause you are! I just… I’m sorry.”

“ _Yeah,_ that was too much, you moron.” He seethes with no actual bite to his words. 

But he stops him before Hyunjin can sheepishly put the spoon back down.

“I mean, I never said to stop.” Seungmin mutters, looking to the side. The older’s face immediately brightens, and Hyunjin gratefully resorts to feeding Seungmin the rest of his meal.

They stop by the convenience store next, like they always do when the clock borders between Saturday and Sunday. The sky is mysteriously clear a few hours past midnight, and when they look up, they see the stars together for the first time.

“Look,” Seungmin says quietly, pointing upwards with his free hand. “Spot any constellations?”

“Definitely not Virgo.” Hyunjin grins, looking beside him to meet his eyes. The memory of when they first met flashes through his mind, and a breathy chuckle leaves his mouth.

“No shooting stars either. Guess I was wrong the first time we met too.” He sighs in mock defeat. Hyunjin reaches over to pinch his cheek teasingly.

“We’ve got the rest of the night.” He whispers.

Seungmin opens the store for them (“Once a lawbreaker, always a lawbreaker.” He muttered as he eyed Hyunjin’s all-black attire). They raid the store of all of the nonperishable items because to Hwang Hyunjin and Kim Seungmin, the law is a fictional idea that doesn’t exist at two in the morning. It all fits perfectly on the rickety table they find themselves sitting at just outside of the store, and Hyunjin’s already flipping popcorn kernels into his mouth before they can settle down. The sound of food being ravaged fills the air quickly despite how recently they had just eaten, combined with the exchange of random thoughts and intimate details about the finer parts of life. It’s nice to know that they can be as loud as they want without the city hearing a word.

They naturally move back to the alleyway in the back of the convenience store, the same place they had met so long ago. A streetlight stands just a few meters away from them brightening a small circle in an inky street. They find a spot in pitch black, sitting on the ground close enough to each other to see the other’s features despite how dark the world feels tonight.

____

  
  


“Are you...I don’t know,” Hyunjin asks cautiously after a short break of silence. “Worried about your sister?”

Seungmin hums quietly.

“I think a bit. When I woke up this morning I was nervous as hell, and I couldn’t focus at all during my shift. I think some lady was about to throw a pie she just bought in my face ‘cause I was taking so long to get her order down.” Seungmin chuckles. “Kinda like a clown. Fitting.” 

The laugh that Hyunjin lets out is tinkly and warm, and when he turns to look the younger in the eye, he knows that the only thing his gaze is showing Seungmin is undying fervor and attention. 

_“_ Maybe this is why you mess with my head, _”_ Seungmin says. _“_ Because no matter how much I feel like I can’t be with you, you make it so easy for me to trick myself into thinking that the only person in your little universe is me. But I think you helped with that. A little.” The younger seems as though he's trying desperately to hold back a smile. Fortunately, Hyunjin catches on.

“A little?” He smirks when Seungmin looks away to hide the blush. It seems like he just has that effect on him. He won’t ever admit it, but it makes Hyunjin proud that Seungmin seems to turn red so easily and often when he’s around him. 

“A lot.” He mutters under his breath. Hyunjin barks out a hearty laugh. “I don’t know… it’s just, I feel like I don’t have to worry about school or Hyewon or all of the other shit in my head whenever you’re around, or maybe you just make it really easy to pretend like none of my problems exist. It’s probably for the best, or at the very least it’s convenient. You wouldn’t like me too much if you knew how I was most days of the week.” 

Seungmin pauses, looking expectantly at Hyunjin. There’s an indescribable sort of mirth and confusion that begins to swirl at the bottom of his gut, and he feels the need to right a wrong that he should have fixed long ago.

“I do like you though.” He replies quietly. “We never talked too much about your problems, but they still existed, Seungminnie. I knew that. I’m just glad that I had some role in helping you feel a bit better, because you helped me feel better about myself too.”

Hyunjin shuffles slightly on the ground to move in closer, grasping Seungmin’s hand again.

“I would have learned to love any version of you.” He continues. “Any character I played on screen, any person that I decide to be in real life, we would have fit together anyways.”

His heart begins to burn like it used to whenever he was overly affectionate or transparent with his feelings without thinking about them before throwing them out so carelessly. It feels like a jar of fireflies being set ablaze in his chest, or like a vignette is being placed around his vision. The younger lets out a dry scoff, looking down at the puzzle of their intertwined fingers.

“My life sounds like some lame set up for the humble and hardworking lead in a rom-com. It’s so fucking stupid the more that I think about it; how directors and people who’ve never been in my position romanticize this kind of living. I wish my life really WAS like the way it’s portrayed on the big screen. I’d work hard only when there were eyes on me, and I’m guaranteed the happy ending that always happens after a five-year time skip. All of a sudden I'd no longer in debt, I'd have a stable job, and some rich, one-dimensional stranger would love me. All of my other problems would be solved.” Seungmin sighs flatly, thumbing over the skin on the back of Hyunjin’s hand. “But it isn’t.”

And he’s right. Hyunjin remembers one of the first roles he took on when he was just starting in the industry. It was a high school series, just like any other cliche thing that you could find on the market. The female lead was exactly like the archetype Seungmin described; the archetype that Seungmin begrudgingly thought he was. 

But these feelings he has for Seungmin, this anger and itching that builds up inside of him whenever he sees Seungmin get hurt or cry or feel sorry for himself isn’t because he pities him or because he thinks Seungmin is pathetic in a glamourized way. It's like he feels bad for him, the type of sympathy that makes most people think “I can fix him.” 

It’s because it hurts him too, or makes him want to cry or feel sorry for both of them. It’s because seeing Seungmin sad makes Hyunjin wither and depress on the inside too. 

“Did you think that would ever turn me off from you?” He asks after a long period of prolonged silence. Seungmin looks back up at him, confused.

“What?”

“Was that really your attempt at saying you wouldn’t live up to my expectations or something?” Hyunjin asks, a smile crumbling out from him as he moves his face closer purposefully. He likes the way they’re positioned now; even with Seungmin’s flustered sputtering as he gets too far into his personal space, he’d argue that this “personal space” is a comfortable place for him to be.

“I don’t get what you’re saying.” The younger mumbles.

“I’ve pined over you for so long, you idiot. I stayed for two years, I had plenty of chances to distance myself from you if I wanted to.” Hyunjin chuckles. “Hell, you made that especially easy with how often you ghosted me. But I still waited, didn’t I? Every time I was left alone, I always tried to find you. I think that says enough about how I feel about you, don’t you think?”

Seungmin stares at him in silence for a few seconds, an unreadable veil over his gaze before his eyes turn upwards, crinkling upwards beautifully like a piece of scrap paper filled with draft ideas. For once, there’s no second thought or hesitance to his movements as he rests his head against Hyunjin’s shoulders, the pads of their clothed knees bumping against each other as he curls into himself.

“It does. This is… nice. I feel like only some imaginary boyfriend would have been able to comfort me like that, but I guess you just proved me wrong.” Seungmin sighs. Hyunjin makes a small noise of curiosity, shifting his head to look beside him.

“Come again?”

“Shhh, let me pretend to have a boyfriend for a few more minutes.” The younger grumbles drowsily, as if he isn’t bothering to filter any of the things he’s saying anymore. His eyelids fall shut in content.

“Why have an imaginary boyfriend when you have me already?” Hyunjin asks shrewdly, hoping to get a response from Seungmin.

“Well, we aren’t dating.” He replies easily. Hyunjin huffs, squinting his eyes at the younger.

“What does your imaginary boyfriend look like? And if I’m just supposed to be some stand-in for him, are you trying to insinuate any of this isn’t real?”

“I’m convinced it isn’t. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m thinking this is too good to be true, but in a few minutes I’m gonna be waking up and I’ll find out this was all a delusional dream. So let me enjoy it for a few minutes.” Seungmin hums, completely oblivious to how Hyunjin’s eyes narrow even further.

Alright, time to get serious.

With the minimal strength that he has in his fatigued state, Hyunjin pulls Seungmin up and into his lap, jarring the younger awake with a startled yelp as he reaches out to Hyunjin’s shoulder to regain his balance.

“Then you can spare a few seconds and tell me what he looks like.” Hyunjin stares straight into his eyes. The life and nervousness is back in the younger’s eyes again after being torn from his drowsiness, and for a second Hyunjin wonders if Seungmin will clam up like he always does. 

Except he doesn’t, and that comfortable and dopey smile that has Hyunjin so _fucking_ whipped is back on his face in a matter of milliseconds.

“Well,” Seungmin starts. “He’s got this big ass smile that goes all the way across his face and these big goofy ears. He snorts when he laughs, and when he’s happy, his eyes turn upwards into these adorable little crescents, kind of like mine, except he looks a lot better. He has dark hair, almost pitch black, and he dresses like a criminal half the time, but it doesn’t matter because he’ll look good regardless.”

“He’s my little secret, someone that I can only go to once a week after precise and scheduled timing. He has this little drawer in his apartment that keeps just my clothes, and even though he has a bed, every time I stay over, he’ll roll out this ratty old blanket to keep me company on the floor.” He smiles, absentmindedly brushing away a stray piece of hair falling into Hyunjin’s eyes. “He makes me feel less lonely, and even if he belongs to the entire world, sometimes he makes me think that I'm the only one who exists in his.”

An ephemeral period of silence follows shortly afterwards, and in this stilled atmosphere that almost seems separate from the world, Hyunjin can do nothing except marvel at the lines and curves of Seungmin’s face that truly shone brighter and more beautiful than any practiced scene he acted out. The younger stares back, eyes wide like a doe caught by a speeding car, and Hyunjin thinks that he can see himself in Seungmin’s eyes, like some cheesy line he had probably rehearsed for a series he couldn’t bring himself to remember at this moment.

Yet despite how perfect every scene Hyunjin was in, how rehearsed every frame he acted out was, or how practiced every word sounded as it left his lips on screen, he still felt that nothing could come close to being as imperfectly beautiful as the unrehearsed love he had for Seungmin.

“I have an idea.” He says suddenly, his eyes hooded and hazy as his gaze moves downwards. He swallows unconsciously, looking back up.

“Can I hear it?” Seungmin asks airly, the fatigue in his body still visible by the paleness of his skin.

“I want to kiss you.”

For a split second, as Seungmin’s eyes shoot upwards and the sleepiness evaporates from his form, Hyunjin wonders if he’s overstepped another barrier like he always does. The younger buries his head against his shoulder, and he prepares himself as he loads up another apology.

But then Seungmin leans backward suddenly, a guilty and embarrassed quirk to his mouth with his eyes cast downwards. 

“I like that idea.”

And before he knows it, their lips collide.

It’s nice. It’s strange as well, of course. It’s a little sloppy, a little lopsided, a little unnatural. But god, unnatural never felt so good. Maybe it was because his entire life, unnatural or “not allowed” was something he was taught to feel bad or wrong about. This might be wrong, really wrong, and he knows it. His manager would order nothing less than an execution for him if a picture of this got online.

But locking lips with a guy, or better yet Seungmin? It made natural seem like a fucking loser. 

And in this moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care about the cars speeding by or the other sounds of the city that indicate how alive it is. Right now, there’s electricity sparking between every touch, igniting against the surface of their skin and their lips. For all they care, only the worlds of Seungmin and Hyunjin exist right now, and no amount of noise from the city could match to how alive he feels.

Natural was so tame, so obedient. Natural was the little boy who grew up in an old and broken down house, the little boy who only knew films and photographs growing up. Natural was the normal kid. Natural was the straight kid. Natural was him, at least whoever he was trying to be or whoever he was trying to show off on screen.

Unnatural was wild, so brazen. Unnatural was the older boy now who ran away from prying eyes as soon as the camera’s turned off to play with bottles of addicting poison and boys who set fire to the butterflies in his stomach. Perhaps unnatural was the weird kid. Perhaps unnatural was him, or at least whoever he really was inside when Seungmin brought out this colorful palette of life from the deepest chasms of Hwang Hyunjin. 

And it’s nice. Just him and Seungmin, sitting on the ground at midnight outside of a convenience store with a streetlight shining to the side of them. It’s like a spotlight, except it’s not on them because they aren’t the star of the show tonight. 

He likes it like that. When the world is like this, when the glistening lights of downtown are like the seven billion people of the earth, number seven billion one and seven billion two are in the shadows, alone and content with being all alone. 

When he’s obscured from the world like this, he feels assured that little mistakes like him and Seungmin are still a secret.

Because after this moment, and all of the moments before, it’s nice to know that Hyunjin isn’t the only mistake out here. 

Seungmin pulls back a short eternity afterward, his eyes glazed and twinkling as he breathes in deeply. He shyly covers his face, raising a pair of hands that are covered by a sweater that’s too big for him. Hyunjin smiles, gently moving them away to stare at his blooming face.

“Okay. Um. Hi.” 

Hyunjin barks out a laugh, leaning forward to press another short kiss to the younger’s reddening nose. It doesn’t seem to help to stop the color from spreading, but he doesn’t mind. Has he mentioned he thinks that Seungmin looks especially pretty like this? In case he hasn't, he thinks Seungmin looks especially pretty like this. 

“Cute.”

“Shut up.” Seungmin whines, weakly slapping the side of Hyunjin’s arms.

“Soo… have I been promoted from imaginary boyfriend to actual boyfriend?” He asks, reaching up to cup the younger’s cheeks, and Hyunjin briefly thinks that he wishes he could do this more often. He likes the feeling even more than the first time he held the other so gently. 

Seungmin looks almost begrudgingly to the side, pouting his lips unintentionally.

“...Congratulations, I guess.”

Hyunjin laughs, letting himself kiss the younger again without much resistance for good measure.

And for good luck too.

Unbeknownst to them, a shooting star passes by above them.

Nearly two years ago, Hyunjin was looking for a miracle in his acting career.

But if there’s one thing he would want to tell his past self in this moment, in the alleyway behind the familiar midnight convenience store,

He’d tell him to look closely at this soft-eyed boy with fluffy brown locks who had fallen into his life like an asteroid, and realize that miracles were closer than they appeared.

  
  
  


_______

  
  
  


The sun is rising by the time they decide to leave the convenience store, their stomachs full and their heart's satisfied. As Hyunjin packs as many assortments of instant ramen and coffee milk his bag can hold, he hears the light pitter-patter of something falling against a glass surface.

When he looks outside, he sees water droplets dripping down the sides of the store windows. The rain brings a few hours of morning dew, promising the growth of city flowers and perfuming the dusty concrete jungles of Seoul with petrichor.

He moves to grab an umbrella before his gaze falls on Seungmin, the younger boy’s form hunched over as he stares listlessly out into the empty streets outside. His face is drawn in lines of content, and there’s a satisfied droop to his eyes as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. 

After a small minute of deliberation, Hyunjin puts down the pale pink umbrella by the cashier stand, opting to hold onto Seungmin’s hand instead. He’s never seen someone else look so happy to walk out of a store with one hand empty and the other pocketed into someone else’s. As the light tapping of rain is felt from the tops of their heads, Hyunjin smiles as he watches the way Seungmin’s face contorts into an expression of true peace and tranquility.

They walk in silence for the rest of the journey to Hyunjin’s apartment, never feeling the need to exchange more than the warm glance or the occasional light giggle here and there whenever the content that they were feeling bubbled too high. This atmosphere is too enjoyable for them, and they stand outside of the building even after they arrive to prolong this period of serenity.

And it’s funny to him, because this setting is far from ideal. It’s a bit too windy, too chilly, and too cloudy for either of their likings. The air bites at their freezing skin, and the rain feels more turbulent than before. 

Yet despite it all, Hyunjin, in all of his acting experience, has never been in a scene that was more perfect than this moment. Even as his teeth begin to chatter slightly, he regrets nothing. Seungmin seems to take notice, turning to look at him before looking down as Hyunjin shoves their connected hands into the pocket of his jacket.

“Is it too cold for you?” He asks teasingly. 

“Nah, I’m all good. You’re my little sunshine, keeping me warm even with all of the storms.” Hyunjin replies cutely. Instead of responding with embarrassment or shoving him away or with a sarcastic remark like he normally does, Seungmin just smiles, shaking his head slightly in mock disappointment.

“You know what’s so stupid? Even if you’ll never belong completely to me, I would have dated you anyways. I like you too much for my own good, and I’d be willing to live off of even the little scraps of you that you leave behind.”

“You don’t have to worry, Seungminnie.” Hyunjin whispers, raising his arm to breathe warm air against the younger’s hands. “You only belong to me, and I only belong to you. Nothing will change that. It’s our destiny or whatever.” 

“Oh boy, you’re already making claims of soulmates and destiny, and you haven’t even been over to my place yet. Has playing the lead in so many drama’s rubbed off on you? Are we gonna be married after a five-year timeskip? Am I gonna be rich then?” Seungmin asks jokingly. Hyunjin smiles, the humorous undertones of the younger’s voice completely missing him as he leans in to press a soft kiss against his mop of messy brown hair.

“That can certainly be arranged.” Hyunjin mumbles against the side of his head. He smiles when he feels how Seungmin heats up.

“That wasn't really the answer I was looking for, but I’ll take it.” Seungmin replies indignantly. A warm chuckle bubbles from Hyunjin’s chest naturally.

“We’ll be happy then, Seungminnie.” He says softly, leaning backward to gently cup the younger’s face with his hands. “I don’t know how we’re gonna look if we were to travel five years into the future, but we’d be happy. I’d make sure of it.”

His body feels wilted and only half present. The caffeine and the adrenline in his veins are the sole entities that are ensuring that Hyunjin is still barely functioning.

Oh, plus a whole lot of Seungmin. 

He feels awake and _alive_ because of Seungmin. Caffeine could take a long walk off a short cliff, because nothing could ever make him feel more present in reality than this grounded force of nature that is Kim Seungmin. He makes the wind blowing through the empty city streets and the rain falling from the sky seem like works of fiction, the only presence that feels truly present being the two of them in this bustling city. He realizes that even if the streetlight never gives him a spotlight, this one person, who belonged wholly to him, would devote all of his attention to him expecting nothing in return, and he would do everything and anything to return the favour.

Hyunjin knew that the younger loved the rain, for it was something that belonged only to him.

But for the first time in forever, he’s happy that he was the one who Seungmin decided to share the rain with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys wanna hear a really funny story?
> 
> So I finished this chapter approximately a week ago (?) and I had it saved as a draft. I figured I'd just wait until I had the time to edit it (just cause I'm a bit busy right now, so I'm sort of swamped with work), but a few days ago I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THE UNEDITED VERSION. So naturally I'm like OH FUCK and I try to quickly copy and paste the entire thing into another draft after deleting the previous one but it converts really weirdly. Like, literally ALL of the spacing is messed up, and I don't have a safe back-up because none of the edits I did were saved onto the original google doc.
> 
> At this point, I think I'm totally screwed, except GUESS WHAT: I had a separate computer that had the previous draft open on a tab that I forget to close (WITH ALL THE EDITS AND SPACING). Thank the LOOORRRD. 
> 
> Anyways, cough, did you catch all the subtle insults I threw at myself? This entire time I’ve just been hitting myself over the head with a baseball bat. Great plot writing, you fucking moron.
> 
> Ugh push and pull relationships are so FUNNY to write AQEIFHSDOF hope it wasn't too painful to read.
> 
> Anyways, despite how messy of a piece this was, I hope you like em apples (is that how the saying is used?). It was fun! It’s a needed break from a longer piece that ended being an equally long piece. Thanks for sticking around if you did. Again, I hope you enjoyed despite the haphazard nature of this thing, and I really appreciated your read! Hopefully I’ll be back with something a bit more creative. Next up is... Minsung? Or Changlix? Who knows?
> 
> <3


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